I totally get where you are at, I've been there ... done that. I was in a bit panic mixed with a healthy shot of disbelief. I could not understand how 24 years was gone 'just like that'. Throughout this whole thing the more I worked on me and things I wanted to change the better off I was. Then last year it just seemed to click. I wanted her happy ... if that was with OM, alone, whatever I wanted that for her knowing it would not involve me any longer.
Earlier this year, I told the mediator and the lawyer I did not want divorce, however at that point I no longer wanted the M we had either. I understood the many mistakes I made, owned them. Call it what you want ... faith, insight, detachment .... deep down I felt at that time I would divorce and move on, that being said I also told them I felt W needed this to happen, I felt she was stuck and the paper was the only way she would finally be set free to start searching for what truly was making her so miserable .... and these things were not me, OM was not the answer, those answers only she could figure out.
Heavy this MLC thing is not for the faint of heart ... you do have to just go on about your business, live your life and do your thing. Hurts like heck .... she may never come out of it thats the bad part of all this. I was convinced my W wouldn't at one time. Heavy she needs this to continue on her way, love her enough to set her on this journey and continue to love from afar .... The way I looked at it, I spent 24 years with W, not all good, but not all bad. Being D was not going to change my day to day life ... if anything I had hoped W would find peace, seeing her in that state, was just as painful as the sitch itself.
No one knows where this will go, you can only control you, play this hand you have been dealt. Let her be for now, things are going to be moving a bit with the added pressure of the pending D, you need to become the stable force you always have been and weather yet another storm.
