Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

V, let's see. I think we are getting somewhere because this is the difficult part that I believe is at the root of my struggle.

I simply am not sure that what I've seen and experienced is what it is.

Despite friends and family validating. It does help - to know that others firmly say no excuse. To hear others' tales of his dark side that came out after the accident, even publicly, people saying they saw it at board meetings and what have you. To hear our closest friends explaining the ways he lashed out at them even, having him tell my girlfriend to stay away from me...

V, here is where I think our H's ARE different. Yours was aggressive and abusive over nonsense. Mine was pleasant, aloof, okay with whatever I did or didn't do in my own space. He would even cite this in arguments if I complained at him - "Z, am I ever critical of you? You are the one unhappy with me all the time."

So, I do struggle with trying to see -

Was his a reactive abuse?

The time he pushed me off the dock - it was jealousy and ridiculous.

Strange, aggressive things he would say to me, the abandonment, physical intimidation - he never started anything, this is how he would react if he perceived criticism or disappointment. And not always. The hot points were conversations about career, our future - marriage and family, his medical case. Defensive aggressive. It's amazing I ever got married when I think of those fights. And the ones that were starting to develop over family. This is why I happen sometimes to think it was not simple abuse but personality disordered, borderline. I would get silent treatments or rages if I gave the slightest intimation that he was disappointing me or in the beginning, if he thought I was growing tired and thinking of leaving. The silent treatment lasted an entire airport and plane ride one time because I asked him what he thought to do about a job...his explanation was, "I just figured you were thinking of leaving me."

He never started anything.


Which is the mask? Or is he just messed up with issues, like anyone?

I go back and forth, A LOT. To the point I think I am guilty of that famous 'splitting' behavior sometimes.

A. My normal, wonder STBX: A bit lazy and without direction, but kind, thoughtful, reliable. Witty, graceful. Could be counted on for breakfast, looking out that I was eating, was there anything he could do for me? The guy that built things for me, lovely things. Was so proud of me, privately and publicly. Organized big birthday parties for me. So supportive and encouraging of my dreams. Capable of wonderful conversation, everything from science to religion. I admired his creativity, his unconventional look at many things.

B. My STBX, the sociopath weirdo Let's talk about red flags and inexcusables I should have noticed, perhaps?

The way he first would mechanically repeat things people had said in casual conversation, like a counselor, "So L, you're saying...". They'd screw up their eyes, and just say, "Yes...that's what I said." I noticed when we were dating that he didn't add much to conversations in general, just sort of absorbed whatever. With me it was different.

The way he would shift and morph into a child when at dinner parties anyone asked him what he did for a living. This changed post accident when he could proudly say, "I am recovering." Like a three year old telling its age.

The way he would over-react to things, as explained above. The anger, that was there before the accident. I saw it then. I remember telling a friend when we were dating there was a strange darkness in him I couldn't quite put my finger on. He would also over-react and panic in situations that left him looking like a frantic little kid, no one else understanding the urgency or drama.

I don't remember it pre-accident, but there was a lot of emphasis on people needing to be there for each other, him needing people to teach him about himself, his triggers...that I wasn't prepared to be a caretaker (well after he was walking and well), the talks about suicide, how he needed to depend on someone and couldn't trust me, couldn't trust I was looking out for his best needs. Of course this morphed into wanting to be with someone else that would make him happier, and that I was simply an unhappy person and he'd done his best to support me, but realized I was miserable and he couldn't change that.

The creep voice, I talked about it earlier in my posts. No one ever saw that dark slimy stuff but me. The father knows best personality, fine, people can and get rather self righteous. But that creep stuff, the talk about his little head in a guillotine basket, the defenses of violence in our society, hints 'before I hurt myself or someone else,' the time I saw him typing to a woman, 'come on A, you can talk to me about this, come on' when he clearly didn't want to talk to him about that...asking about her masturbation/bisexual life, it was all so creepy.

Fired from every job he ever had, basically for childish reactions to superiors, or just unbelievably stupid mistakes that cost the companies money and equipment. I hate to even bring this up, but all the witnesses that day saw him cross three lanes and rear end a stopped semi- full speed, in broad daylight. He could never say what happened.

The worst, the smirking/smiling thing. He almost seemed excited about what he'd done that night afterward, "H, what are you going to do about this?"..."Well Z, the real question I think, is, what are you going to do about it?" I still feel in my gut he was absolutely happy showing me how little he cared, finally free of having to pretend.

The Photos, Memories

Were we happy? Was my H beautifully calm, happy to stroll from shop to shop, interested in the things I was, dreaming dreams with me? Did he love me the way it seemed?

Or was he detached and aloof, happy to have something to do and someone to buy him lunch? Did he enjoy the acting of a man in love, the novelty of a fiance, a wife?

Subconscious v Conscious

V, I see it more as rational vs. emotional.

I know that many of these things he did and said were not remotely normal, but because of who I thought he was at CORE, I figured as he grew older and we grew our trust, it would smooth out. I always saw him in the past as my loving and at times, ridiculous, H.

Let the storm pass, talk about it, hope it doesn't come again. And in some ways, we really did work on many issues, but it was like wackamole...they just kept manifesting in sneakier or more disturbing ways. "H, no matter how upset you are, four letter words, name calling, insults, never appropriate..." So I would get the more creative, sublte, and psychoanalytical put downs. When he was no longer allowed to scream nastiness at me, he could still act exasperated like he was trying to explain to a stupid child what was wrong with them.

Rationally, I saw all of this. And said he is human, I am happy most of the time with this man. He's volatile and irrational sometimes, fine.

Because

Emotionally, I loved cuddling up under his big wing span, I found him beautiful and in need of a savior, I was so excited about building my life with this soulful, kind, creative man. I felt like the amount and intensity of love I'd felt with him justified whatever else may come, and I admired his interest in self improvement and 'introspection' after the neglect he'd experienced growing up. Emotionally, he could lift me higher than most men, whom I'd found somewhat boring.

I wanted to be there for him the way he wanted someone to be there for him. From the beginning.

Our Pattern

V, I think part of my struggle is quite consciously expecting this is just a bigger repeat of an established pattern. And maybe THIS time we will learn from it all and be ok and be happy, consistently.

The first time I broke it off with him, when he shoved me at that party, he first acted fine about it. Then, sulking, crying, "it doesn't matter now, does it?" when I tried to talk to him about what happened. Days later, he would put himself in front of me socially, at work, at I was rather cold and business. Then I reached out to him again and we had a good long talk and came to understanding how it would never happen again. 6 years ago.

The second time, I had a basket of laundry thrown at me and absolute nasty verbal abuse. Broke it off. Fine Z, "you're never interested in how we got here." "H, we've been through this before, you know that doesn't matter." He went out and about, looking well, happy, normal, adjusted, we'll be happier without each other. That got under my skin, made me question if I was in the wrong. And so I pursued. We talked, reconciled. With me convincing it did matter.

Our separation, he flipped me off after those two weeks walled away, was quite nasty. I told him to get out. Lots of crying/coldness. BD at MC. Total coldness. We decided to S. "Are we going to be ok, Z?" Crying. Hot, cold, hot cold. You guys know how this goes. But I pursued. No longer angry about his behavior, the EAs, the disrespect, man, I was going to DR this sitch. And sort of did and we pieced.

The day I confronted him, and he let the mask slip, quite pleased with himself. The day after, some laughter, some crying to himself. The day after, he presented me with a check for the money he'd stolen out of my account during that awful week, and when I asked if he would have given it back if I hadn't said something, I got the familiar, "Doesn't matter now, does it?" He did show up to a couple of events I was going to be at. I ran into him once. He walked around looking well as rain. But, I didn't pursue. My bestie said it looked like the biggest game of chicken he ever saw.

Finally that day in the cafe, my gut feeling was he was posturing over wanting the D papers signed. As soon as I agreed he got nasty about it and when I went to get it notarized that day, he pulled out one of the papers I wanted signed, and so we didn't. A week later he had a professional employed, 3rd party, and demanded my signature. I obliged. He then drug his feet for three months and was generally verbally abusive by text when i asked him why he wasn't signing and what needed to happen to get the show on the road.

My heart broke when I heard he'd told the paralegal, the mediator, others that he didn't want his divorce, that I did.

So I wrote him. Told him I wouldn't have had the slightest indication this wasn't exactly what he wanted. But if true, the path back I originally offered was the same. Counseling, anger management, and I would try to rebuild trust.

His response? Basically, "Z, I don't trust you, painful to hear from you, pointless to talk about it. I will not try to contact you." Just a sentence or two.

Sometimes I feel like if I would only pursue and tell him I can see his point, how I pushed his buttons that night, where I needed to be a better partner, we could still put this back together.

Do I want him back?

I would have said sometimes through the last 5 months, absolutely not.

Sometimes I would have said, I believe maybe...if he's hit rock bottom, if he knows what he's lost...maybe he wants to work this out, but bc of our pattern, is waiting for me to convince.

Rationally, I know this is not the case. I believe he used me, and is quite gone.

Rational me knows he is not a suitable life partner. That he has made not signal to ME that he wants to change, wants to be married. Hell with what he says to others.

Emotionally, I am still struggling to believe that the man I loved isn't in there at his core and we can't be together the way we were when I was happy, when we were making our great plans.

I just don't know how to look at it all in the rear view mirror. It is such a jumble to me.