PP's New Adventure (5) - Filing & Moving Forward

[Azzork]

I think the hardest part of this week so far has been having a little bit of hope return to me.

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy, good buddy. But a little bit of hope isnt a bad thing, I think.

Go easy on yourself the next couple of days - sounds like it was a big weekend.

[PigPen]

Thanks Azz, it was a big weekend. And no it hasn't been easy since she left. My desire to undo a lot of DB'ing and reach out is very strong right now. The desire to go word by word through what she said and analyze is it also there (believe nothing I know).

It's just how my brain works, it wants to solve this problem. I know that it can't and the only thing I can do is keep it focused on improving me. She gave me some kernels of truth that I still need to work on and I am.

I'm telling you though, it was much easier when I thought she was just keeping my dog from me and was living in a spiritual fantasy land. The pain of being with me is still larger than the pain she's going through now so we're going to stay apart. Maybe forever, but who knows.

So far this week I've gotten a lot accomplished at work and am making headway on stuff that is overdue so at least I feel like momentum is back on my side in my non M life.

I'll take that over where I was 4 months ago any day.

PP

[PigPen]

Eh. Rough night of dreaming about my W. Haven't had that in a few weeks. In it she was explaining to me that although the last few months of our M were our most communicative, it was just too little too late. And then she handed me D papers.

Since the above appears to be the truth I can't say much else about it. Would rather have dreamed of something more pleasant but today is a new day.

Been thinking a lot about the idea of subjective reality and how what each partner in an M feels is real to them. This is a big step as my past pattern has been to argue about what is "true" and "not true". This week I've really been opened up to the idea that what is true for one may not be true for the other but there's no real point in spending time and energy trying to change someone's view of their own experience.

This past weekend my W told me that she left because my issues were escalating. In my experience, they were actually getting better in our last six months as we connected more. However, in her experience they were not. I spent some time on Monday upset about this arguing with her in my head. Now I see that it was simply her experience, based upon her own feelings, biases, and how she saw things. I had my own experience that was simply different. While she can't convince me that mine is wrong, I can't convince her of the same. It was different for both of us.

Probably sounds like emotional intelligence 101 to most folks on here, but it was a big realization for me.

Have a great Wed everyone.

PP

[Wonka]

Yep, you got this right: respecting one's POV regardless if you agree with it or not. That is the key in DBing.

You're doing so well in your journey of self-discovery, PP. I enjoy watching you "grow up" here.

[Vanilla]

I am enjoying seeing yo grow and develop in front of our eyes....

V

[asitis]

Good job. I've found I have to have some realizations a number of times before I finally really realize it. And sometimes you have to sit with some changes before you realize, Oh, there is still X & Y & Z that I'm doing that I probably shouldn't or probably should evaluate. And sometimes it is that the other person had to draw our attention (intentionally or not) to something by making it painful enough that we couldn't stop looking at it.

You're doing well.

[ep0215]

You are doing so well PP. I agree with asitis.

[PigPen]

Thank you Wonka, V, As and Epo. I appreciate your comments.

I'll share with you all that I wanted to run around today and tell everyone I know, "You know what? No one has the same reality! Everything that is real to you could be completely different to someone else. Yep, it just hit me a day or two ago. Yep I used to argue about this a lot in my M but now I get it."

I felt like a dork being all excited about this. Of course I want to reach out to my W and let her know that the pain she went through this past weekend gave me a deep and heartfelt lesson. One that I'll carry with me. I believe this would make her happy to know.

But I'm not going to say a word. Or write the email I now want to write. Or send the text that I now want to send. Or mail the darn letter. Or have the skywriting airplane write the "PP had a breakthrough you're probably going to want to hear!" message over her house.

Fortunately I have you all I can share this with.

[asitis]

It's worse than that. When couples endure stressful relations for a period of time their hypocampuses actually shrink. The hypocamus is central to the creation of memories in the human brain. I lot of couple arguments can be attributed to the hypocampus being effectively crippled by stress responses. You've heard the couples argue, you did this, no I did not. Both are entirely certain that their version of events is absolutely, positively correct. One or both may be faulty. The one member could be remembering something that happened the day before the exchange in question. Or both could be piecing a little bit of this and a little bit of that together.

It is one of the reasons why arguing with a spouse about what happened is usually not a good idea. Attend to the emotional needs being expressed instead.

BTW, London cabbies have very large hypocampuses. I can't remember whether it is the result of their having to memorize the map of London or it is self-selection. Odd trivia of the day.

[Elly4]

PP, you've done a lot of thinking this week. Good for you. I think as we have these realizations, they propel us a little further along the DB path to a better self. Thank you for sharing the process on here as it is always helpful to read what others have gone through or realized.

BTW...your statement that you want to run around telling everybody about your realization just made me juxtapose you on top of Woofie running in a meadow. Just so you know.

And Asitis, love that trivia!!!!