Summer of Growth and Acceptance - Part 2

[V2pt0]

Painter,

Yes, I think he knows I am on stronger ground and he also does not know what I am going to do. Will I call his employer or not. He said he would just tell them I am his soon to be ex-wife. He has lost control of the situation and feels in a corner.
--------------------------------
So, we ended up having another long conversation yesterday. I had texted him to say I wanted to talk before I would proceed with D and he said ok. He came over unannounced versus calling which I thought was interesting. I expressed my concerns about trying to do this on our own when he is clearly still harboring a great deal of deep emotions. I said I worried that he is not making a decision with a clear mind. He somewhat agreed and eventually did say he was not sure he was making the right decision.

I am not sure how it happened, but we started talking about our R. I think he instigated it by bringing up the packing up of his things. I stopped him straight away and focused on how it impacted me. I think I started by asking if he ever stopped to think how having an A would make me feel, especially all of the lying and bringing it into our home. He said he did not see any harm because he was out of town, so I said oh, so you did not think you would get caught. Did he know how much that hurt me? How painful it was that he did not even bother to say I am sorry or show any remorse or show any compassion or empathy. That often I felt I was married to a narcissist. He finally said he was sorry for hurting me.

This lead to other R topics. Instead of just validating what he was saying, which I did do, I decide to share how our marriage was for me. How lonely I felt, how hurtful it was to sacrifice 12 years for his education as an investment for a better future for us only for it to turn out that I was only investing in him. He seems to be in denial, which I am sure is from A, about how much of a factor his education was in our M. He had totally forgotten how it impacted the first 3 years and how hard it was between him working fulltime and talking close to full credits. How we never saw each other and how hard that was on a young M. He got real quiet and just nodded. We talked about how all he could focus on last year was how I did not appreciate that he would make some meals, yet I was coming home in tears due to work issues, feeling the pressure of being the only income, and all I wanted was a hug and he barely acknowledged what I was going through. That the only thing he can focus on is what he was not getting. I said what you got was three degrees and loving support from your wife when your own family was not supportive. For the first time in the last five months since DB, I saw him shed some tears. He tried to hide it and then went upstairs to use the bathroom. I just focused on my feelings and how this all impacted me from an emotional perspective. I was certainly emotional throughout.

I know this so not what DB calls for, but I actually think I might have been able to get him to realize how much we were both hurting, how he was doing things that were painful to me, and how maybe he is being a bit too selfish. It certainly was a 180' from what I had been doing that did not seem like was working. He did leave and stay elsewhere, but it does not mean he was not left having some things to really think about.

Now I plan on going a bit dim and let him think about what he is doing. Have my Meetup tonight, which I am looking forward to after a very emotionally draining couple of days.