Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

Going through all of your posts, I might have missed it but did you ever detail your marital history? You say all the things went downhill after her first A. That's usually not the case. What were the problems and was was your part in the downfall? Not saying you were the reason for her A, but just be brutally honest with your contributions.

Yes, I've thought about all of that, and detailed some of it in previous posts. I can summarize here, and have been working on all of these issues. Basically, I took her for granted, in many ways.

1) I didn't really "listen". I would hear her but had a bad habit of trying to offer suggestions rather than just hear what she had to say.

2) I didn't help out around the house or with kids nearly as much as I should have. She probably felt like a single mom a lot of the time.

3) I didn't respect her time. We would make plans, and she would be sitting on me waiting to leave, sometimes for up to an hour, while I finished up something else I was doing. Usually something not very important, such as watching a show.

4) We slept in separate bedroom for the past 7-8 years. This wasn't malicious on my part. She had a snoring problem, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't sleep next to her with that going on. It started out as me moving to the couch most of the time, but then got to the point she just slept in another room. I think this was a BIG issue for her. How badly I wish I had just bought ear muffs or tried to adjust to it.

5) She felt like I didn't respect her. Now, that isn't true but I know it's how she felt. Like I didn't think she was smart or capable, at least compared to myself. Part of that is low self-esteem I believe, but I should have done more to make her feel better about herself.

I think those are the big issues that I can identify. There may be more in her mind, but since she has refused to talk about it, hard to say. I have tried to correct every one of those issues in other relationships in my life, and feel that I am doing pretty well.

Sometimes I'll catch myself about to say something negative or snarky, and quickly eat a STFU smoothy. I respect everyone's time now and make sure to be early any time I've made a commitment to be somewhere. I make a concerted effort to really listen to people and hear what they are saying, all without passing judgement or offering advice, unless they specifically ask for it. I'm completely taking care of all the housework now, doing dishes, laundry, making meals, etc. I make an effort to talk with each of my kids every day and comfort them, boost their self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.

There isn't much I can really do about the history with separate bedrooms, other than commit to myself that I will never allow that to happen again when I am in a committed relationship, whether it be with my current W or another woman. It was mean, disrespectful, and one of my biggest regrets.

Other than what I listed above, of course I'm working hard on GAL activities, hitting the gym regularly, trying to get the house in tip top shape, spending time with my kids, etc. I feel like I've come a long way in the past few months, but need to keep working on it so that this all becomes part of who I am. I never plan to be the man I was again; I don't like that person and can understand in many ways why my W didn't like him either.