V is for Vanilla 21

[Vanilla]

As. Py and PP

Thank you for posting. At the moment I am limiting my time on the board as I concentrate on health and business. Once I am in the swing of my new regime I can begin to post a little more again.

I find I often need to do quite a bit of mental work before I post so it's demanding for me, although I think very good for my self development. I am fascinated at the moment by the language aspects of that which we say. It's a new area of study I shall be following through. I shall probably read more than I post for a while, my thinking is developing a little. I sense a period of consolidation and repair coming.

It's funny how personal growth seems to come in spurts.

Diet and particularly sugar metabolism is my current investigation, in depth. I spent some time looking at 'plastic' fats so called trans fats and related molecules. That was a couple of years ago and as a result I switched to coconut oil and butter. I use homemade humus instead of spreads now.

I need work, rest and play!

No news on the WH front, the longer we have NC the calmer my life, it's going back a little and also moving forward. I just want WH to stay away forever and I am going to do all in my power for that to be my reality. I wish him well, I want the best for him.

Z, if you are reading my thread, I have been thinking of the difference between our WH , and they are not so different. I think it is our perceptions which are different. I remember the bad memories, the trauma as bigger and more vivid than the cute, funny, attractive vulnerable WH that I thought I was marrying. His image as an abuser stands to block the other. You write as if you see only your WH face and not him as a whole, that sweet face is close to you, I wonder if you morphed that image in your mind into the dupers delight with cold eyes and as it approaches project it backwards, I need to think this through but I think WH feels close to you.

I decided to push the image of WH away from me, and the sound of his voice. I don't want him in my life so I mentally push his image away and I no longer listen to his voice in my mind. I have turned his volume down. I often sit with my music in my garden with the headphones on and when I take the headphones off I still see the tv but the music is silent, the players are like fish opening their mouths without words. All I hear are my own thoughts and the birds singing together with the general domestic sounds and the countryside around me. I no longer hear WH ranting, spewing and accusing.

I have literally 'pushed' his image away, by walking through the pain I have left him behind. That WH is stuck in his world and mine has moved forward. His eyes are dead and unsmiling, like the walking dead in my mind he is disintegrating. Even a juicy fat maggot is too nice for WH.

I dreamed I saw WH in a coffin, but the lid was going on and I couldnt see if it was he. I remember thinking this is a charade WH is fooling everyone, he isn't dead, he's just waiting to return. I guess that's my mind telling me to be on guard, I don't want to live my life on guard so that's my next job to stop hyper vigilance.

Am I sad? Yes, still sad, and I have much repair work.

Dawn I am running along that road to greet you and deciding walk awhile chatting in the sun, linking arms sharing confidences and having Molly joyously bouncing.

My mind is rested, I consider I had a lucky escape, my abuser has no interest in spending the effort to penetrate the boundaries I have put in place. And my breeze block tactic (a development of grey stone) which builds a dull wall behind me is working for me.

Peace for every one of us today

V