LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

it does - i wasn't suggesting that you were not moving on with your life per se, and I am not "ready" for a R or dating either but i am also not NOT ready if that makes any sense.

the moment that I meet someone who is irresistable, she will be just that. it has never been something I have planned or been able to in the past. i was single for three years when I met my W. I was always active in my own life, I was not ready OR not NOT ready. I just met her one day and that was that.

Vanilla would love all these double -ves.

[asitis]

Yes she would love those double positives.

No, I get what you are saying on the meeting someone like that.

I have had attractions, and women show an interest in me that felt really, really good. I recognized that no matter how much I think I'm in a good place, I'm still very vulnerable to that kind of attention & might mistake it for something else. If you read my last couple posts on my thread. W & I have an agreement that I'm 99% sure I can trust, that we will try to not go ahead and complicate things while we are trying to resolve the already complicated mess of a D. If someone comes along in the meantime. My plan is to let them know this up front. If they aren't understanding and able to wait, knowing that they are under no obligation, then that isn't exactly someone I want to be getting all hot and serious for anyway.

[Pyrite]

good to hear.

I'm envious - a WAW that relative to my W at least seems to be a pillar of reason.

My W isn't just in an A - it is true love according to her. They are planning a life together, well she is anyway.

[asitis]

And it is hard to really take to heart the advice that the A will run its course I'm sure.

Hang in there. I'd have a lot more difficulty if there were OM. I know I would. It is relief in a way that we both are relieved that we don't have to wonder. It is also hopeful that she knows it will hurt if I start dating. It is hard not knowing, but all the same it is not as hard as knowing there definitely is someone. I've been preparing myself and sitting with the idea of this, and I have to tell you, I know that I'm only intellectually prepared. It will still be a real kick in the gut if and when it happens. I hope I can be a strong as you and several others are.

[Pyrite]

i was a MESS mate. still am in many respects. you'll be OK. we all will. its just getting there that is rough. thankfully we have this community to help us through.

[Huddy]

I'm sure the OM's true love will run out when his visa gets refused. You're pretty tough on immigration in Australia.

[Pyrite]

sometimes it would appear so. The current conservative government in particular has adopted an abhorent position with "asylum seekers". I dont know anyone that supports it, nor anyone who voted for them - and yet they won!?! Oh hang on - yes I do know a few. they are all media brain washed baby boomers, who coincidently have the numbers, the financial clout, and the most to lose if the status quo is disrupted.

that said - i think he has a good chance. 100% chance if he knocks up the Mrs and fathers a child here. Also, I would rather the R burn out than him remain the distant love of her life that so sadly as deported.

[Vanilla]

Become addicted to limerence with these drugs:

1. Lust with testosterone / oestrogen
2. Romantic attraction and mope and moon with dopamine
3. Attachment - Mature "love" hormone oxytocin
4. The lust is need, the romantic attraction is longing, and attachment is devotion. Have all of these in large doses
5. Daydream, idealise and persue the object of your affections to exclude all else.
6. Enjoy the behavioural addiction, with three hormonal drugs.
7. Be irresponsible
8. Drink and make yourself available
9. Ignore your family
10. Never have your phone, FB, or laptop out of your hands

Take the cure (from NA):

1. Find a new dealer, distract
2. Go cold turkey, no contact
3. Burn it out, activity and GAL
4. A dose of real life, stay busy
5. Stop the flattery and excuses, take a hard look at yourself
6. Wake the dream, examine your love object, list their negatives
7. Go on the dole, be broke and cold, find yourself at rock bottom
8. Have real emotions like anger as you have lost a lot because of the addiction
9. Be condemned by the world, actually you really do care
10. Go into therapy and stay there

V

[Pyrite]

hey V, responding here now from old thread.

I can see how you avoided your 9 year old issue for so long. Largely you medicated it.

That I did. After I returned to Uni I effectively medicated, distracting myself through study.

Frankly I think Py you are lucky to only be in the IC chair. Years of self abuse can leave enormous Mental damage, hallucinations and paranoia. You are lucky, young man, (wags head sagely) to be a young father in recovery.

I am definitely lucky. Especially mucking around with huge doses of hallucinogens. In the extreme case I know a Japanese guy who last I heard could'nt tie his shoelaces anymore - after a single episode. My STX BIL is now psychotic after a brief stint, etc, etc. But in terms of the drug ab"use" I think I am way past recovery. Dealing with he underlying issues that were medicated - well - that is the theme of 2015.

Did the tumour operation cause the dancing eye to stop dancing? Has the scar faded?

The nastagmas only occurs at the extremes of looking left or right. But no, it is still there.

Can I ask did your parents ever help you or did you have counselling for this?

My parents - yes, they "helped". But counselling no. I masked it well and appeared at least to be over it I guess.

Bullying is sadly too common in schools, that is the responsibility of adults, a nominated school adult to check in. I hope it's mandatory now in schools as it is in the UK.

Yeah - I worry for my kids. Many initiatives going on to stop bullying not only in schools, but also the workplace.

This nine year point is vital, at the time you most needed acceptance, other kids saw you as a funny bunny. And you got seriously mothered by the older girls. It's a dynamic designed to create a kick away rebellion.

This is something I wasn't explicitly aware of until now, the age being a significant period in exactly the regard that clobbered me the most. Its funny, i have NEVER considered the older girls "mothering" as anything short of wonderful, but I suspect you are exactly right about the rebellion.
So now let's ask those questions of you about the 9 year old stage, what was the most harmful the operation, hospital treatment or the funny bunny stuff at school?

This is easy - the physical pain was easy in comparison.

Did you advise your mum who sounds amazing by the way, or anyone at school?

My mum yes. She was supportive etc. I guess the thing was that I put on a brave face so that she wouldn't worry.

In which ways psychologically did this need addressing?

And finally what have you done to address it?

I am still thinking about these things. In a sense it is clear that I needed acceptance. It was not possible for me to be satisfied or to feel that I was accepted by those that matter. I wasn't accepted by the majority of kids, and this wasn't something I could change. I suppose I knew this and just wanted time to pass and reinvent myself. I see now as I internalised and believed that I wasn't accepted, I developed unhealthy core-beliefs about myself and they subsequently became what I strived to disprove. The fact that I strove to a PhD in the hardest thing I could find (that still interested me) was I think in no small part due to this. In fact, I have always put myself last and what I WANT because in a sense IDK what I want. Maybe it is because for many years as a kid I wanted acceptance and I couldn't get it.

I am researching the physiological stuff so was going to ask was the tumour invasive and packed? you said 10% with surgery and the rest radio. So why only 10% or why 10% at all? It clearly left a scar that was visible, was that explorative and what did that scar mean to you then? what does it mean now?

IDK these terms sorry - i know the tumour was benign, but growing. They operated for 10% because they didn't know until then how much they could actually cut out. The neurologist I saw admitted that if it had've been 10 years earlier - i would be dead. If it had've been 10 years later - they would not have proceeded the way they did, and I possibly wouldn't have the issues with ataxia that I do now.

The scar was a huge deal when I was younger. So much so that my Mother went to see a plastic surgeon to ask what he could do. Basically he did manage disguise it to a large degree. Even still, I was self conscious about it. Now I don't really care. It isn't obvious at all. The scar, the ataxia, neural damage to my face - on occasions when I have discussed this with colleagues (recently because of my op) - they have never even noticed. I find this hard to swallow, but it is possible I guess.

[Pyrite]

hey V, coincidence - didn't know you were onboard.

i'm not getting your post - can you preface this a bit. Are you saying I need the cure?