I received Divorce Remedy in the mail today. I waited until my kids were in bed to start reading. My W is working overnight.
I was struck by the section on "well meaning friends and family", as it seems all of W friends are influencing her to leave me. She has became extra close to her sister in the last month and a half. Her sister, mother, and BFF's were the first to know that she was unhappy. I found out 2 weeks after her sister.
She has distanced herself more and more from me as time has passed, especially after my meltdown this last Sunday in which I broke most, if not all, of the 37 rules (my second meltdown in 5 weeks). My attempts to get her to talk to me about what is going on and how she feels have both backfired big time.
She is off tomorrow and I will be home after 5pm. My D:13 informed me that W told her that she is going to stay at her mom's house tomorrow night. Obviously, this is to avoid me and avoid talk. Since Sunday, I have been giving her space. Her working Monday and Tuesday overnight has certainly helped with giving her space and time. I have processed Sunday over and over again. I realize my mistakes and hope to not repeat them. Maybe her staying away is best right now. I would not leave the house as she wanted. I instead told her she should leave, since she is the unhappy spouse. I have not given up the master bedroom. She has either been working overnights, I work one overnight a week out of town, and she has either stayed at her sister's house or her BFF's (last weekend). We really have not spent any alone time in the last 5 weeks. When the kids are around, we seem to get along superficially, although she definitely has an iron clad wall built up. She has tremendous will power and has not budged one bit. No sign of affection, emotion (except she did cry on Sunday when I told her she needs to be the one to leave the house and when we talked to the kids to let them know we are having problems with our marriage), wanting to talk, wanting to work on it.
My thread "A Few Questions from a Newbie" dives into the mistakes I have been making.
I didn't make it too far tonight into the book, so perhaps my question will be answered as I get deeper into the book.
What do I do about the influence her friends and family have on her wanting to leave? I am 100% confident that they are only hearing her narrative about how unhappy she is, how I made her feel that way and feel they are telling her to leave me to be happy. In my two meltdowns, which were started as attempts to get her to talk and open up to me, I let her know that I thought divorce would make more conflict, upset the children's lives, our lives, and would result in no one being truly happy. I believe she has her mind made up to leave me as she can only say she doesn't want to work on our R, "is done", doesn't love me, is not attracted to me, doesn't feel intimate towards me. She can only bring up negatives when we talk about our marital history (I realize trying to bring up happy moments is breaking one of the 37 rules, but I went ahead and made the mistake in both meltdowns).
Any advice on dealing with the friends and family issue? Before finding this forum, I was talking to her sister. Her sister was being supportive for the first week - telling me to tell her to love her (even if she doesn't say it back...keep telling her), tell her I am here for her, tell her it is something we can work on, be supportive, give her time and space, etc. Her sister will not talk to me now. Won't answer texts or calls. I know it is recommended to not contact her friends and family now. But still, I would like to tell her sister (her biggest influence) my side of what is going on.
In my thread, it was suggested that I just stop talking altogether about any issues. I know I am supposed to wait for her to talk, but I am feeling her get farther away.
Any advice for where I am at right now?