Few Questions From. Newbie

[EricT]

Vanilla answer Sandi - that makes sense to me now. I did not understand why it was important. I
don't know if you caught it, but I did tell her last night that if she is unhappy, she should be the one to leave. I told her I was happy with my wife, life, home, and kids. Everything under my roof is why I wake up and go to work. I love my family. I told her if she is unhappy, leave and go find happiness. I then asked her what it is she is looking for, what is missing. She kept saying she couldn't pinpoint it. She did not like it when I said she should be the one to leave if we are to separate.
I will shield my kids from this as much as I can. I do not want them or expect them to carry this burden. I am more than capable and willing to run the household as she figures out what she wants. I think although the conversation was heated (I brought all the heat), it did make her think of what she stands to lose. I did make her think of the effect it will have on the kids and daily life. She cried when I told her to leave. It was her first display of emotion.
Today, I did not come home until I new she was about gone. She texted me and asked me if I would be home in time to take s:8 to football. I did not reply. Just came home as she was leaving. She initiated talk. I was going to just go inside and get S ready. She said I texted you. I said sorry I just now got the text. I was talking and just got off the phone. I was not rude in my tone. I just let her know i was busy (I was talking to my mom venting, but did not share that info).

[gonegrl]

Eric, you are doing really well. Stay strong. Stay calm. You are getting excellent advice here.

[mutatio]

That's the way to do it Eric. Kind, compassionate, polite yet firm and strong.

[EricT]

I need help to get through the day. Last night, my d:13 told me before bed that she feels like she is going to have to pick sides between me and W. I asked her what she means. She said when you guys divorce I feel like I will need to pick sides. I said we have not decided to get a divorce. She said mom has decided. She said W and W sister has told her. I said W has not told me that. D:13 says she wishes I would be more supportive of mom. I said I am doing everything I can to stay married and want W to be happy. I don't know what W and W sister has told my D:13.
I did not tell daughter this, but I'm thinking my W has done everything she can to avoid telling me what is going on, won't tell me how she feels, won't communicate with me unless it is child related. I think the fact that I over react, beg, argue my case, and plead with her to work on our R and M, she is avoiding all serious talk.
I am not sure I can support her decision to leave me. How do I show her support without giving her the go ahead? I have told her I am here for her and want to work on our R and M. I want to keep this together and she is putting all her effort into making sure it can't happen.
W worked an overnight last night and works another overnight tonight. Wednesday she is off and I anticipate either total avoidance or the big BD.
I am not sure what to do or say at this point.
Having a fight with her Sunday certainly has not helped. I did all the talking and tried to get her to open up. It didn't work. She just kept saying she didn't know why or when she stopped loving me, would not tell me if their is OM. Told me we are done. She does not want to try to work on anything.
What am I to do?

[EricT]

I do not want my children dealing with our adult issues. D:13 has showed very little emotion about this. S:8 has been crying quite a bit. I am a mess myself. I have not really talked to them about specifics. I just tell them I love them and so does mom. I tell them I am trying to keep us together and that I love their mom.

[EricT]

Can I please get some vet input? Anyone?

[Cadet]

I do not want my children dealing with our adult issues. D:13 has showed very little emotion about this. S:8 has been crying quite a bit. I am a mess myself. I have not really talked to them about specifics. I just tell them I love them and so does mom.
I tell them I am trying to keep us together and that I love their mom.

Here is the thing - kids respond well when their parents are happy and whole.

So you need to re-think all of this.

FOCUS on YOU not the marriage or your wife.

If you were on a plane that lost oxygen you have to put your own mask on first and save yourself or you will be no good flailing around trying to save someone else when YOU cant breathe.

Does that make sense?

How are we going to save YOU?

[sandi2]

IMHO, kids need to feel secure. When adults are using the D word, it scares them to death. They want to know how it will effect their world. Your D13 already thinks it means choosing between her parents. How does a kid do that? Just assure her that both of you love her and she will not have to decide who she loves more or who she believes is right or wrong. That's too much pressure for her. She may be worried if she'll have to go to another school, move away from her friends, give up certain activities, etc. That is what teenage girls think about.

Kids need to see Daddy keeping it together emotionally. That is just one of the reasons I come on so strongly about men not loosing it in front of children. Daddy is suppose to be the rock, their leader, their provider and protector, the solid foundation for their home and if he is scared and crying and not knowing what's going to happen.....imagine how that affects them.

I think the fact that I over react, beg, argue my case, and plead with her to work on our R and M, she is avoiding all serious talk.

That's the message we try to get through to the LBH.

I am not sure I can support her decision to leave me. How do I show her support without giving her the go ahead? I have told her I am here for her and want to work on our R and M. I want to keep this together and she is putting all her effort into making sure it can't happen.

Why on earth do you think you have to show her support in this decision? Listen, you don't have to "support" anything you are against or that's wrong.

Stop thinking like some soft, passive type, "yes dear" husband! Start thinking like an individual. Stop telling her you are there for her. She has to stand on her own legs, in order to experience what she thinks she wants. Understand? Instead of being a big fluffy pillow for her and kissing her boo-boo, let her fall down. It's called tough love. If you don't have it, you'd better find it b/c if there's a third party involved, you are in for a terrible time.

Having a fight with her Sunday certainly has not helped. I did all the talking and tried to get her to open up. It didn't work.

That's right, talking doesn't work at this point. So, what do you do if you can't talk your way out of this? That's what we are trying to tell you.

She just kept saying she didn't know why or when she stopped loving me, would not tell me if their is OM. Told me we are done. She does not want to try to work on anything.

If she won't tell you if there is OM, then I would suggest to you that there is one. Don't ask her again, and don't go berserk. Maintaining your cool is essential in getting her back, if that's what you want. Would OM be a deal breaker for you?

Don't ask her again about why or when she stopped loving you, okay? That doesn't work. You see, everything is different now. You can't get her to open up and discuss things like you did in past times. She has changed. You have to use a new method now.

What am I to do?

Please read my threads about wayward wives.
Keep your mouth closed about being always being there for her. Don't try to talk her into staying. Remain calm. Do NOT break down in front of her or the kids. Go off by yourself to cry. Do not beg or ask for forgiveness at this point.

What works is to show your inner strength by remaining calm and cool, and by not reacting to her bait. Act nonchalant whenever she talks about leaving. Let her go. Let her leave! If she leaves, it doesn't mean she'll never come back. Do not show her your fear. Pretend to be confident, even if you don't feel it.

Know what you want. If she has cheated, do you still want her? Are you willing to live in an open marriage? Could you forgive her if she ended the A (if she's having one)? Many men are so focused on just keeping her from leaving or getting a D, they don't really examine the rest. That's why some LBH's become the WAH, once the WW returns.

For now, don't worry over what to say. Don't say anything.

[Flight]

My W likes to repeat: "In a NORMAL relationship, the husband is the one to leave. A REAL MAN would have enough self-respect to not be a hanger on. If you really loved me like you say, you would give me my freedom"

I used to talk about that being unfair, etc. I just finally said, "In a NORMAL relationship, people have the maturity to honor their committment to their marriage and to work through their differences. This is YOUR choice. If you want to leave, there's the door"

[mutatio]

Sandi2's post is on the money, follow her suggestions.

The only thing I can add is all our support for you, hang in there.