LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

Now in the meantime, the puzzle to me becomes at what point do I move on w/ my life while still leaving that door open a tiny crack?

whats wrong with now? Isn't getting on with your life what you are doing? I have been having these conversations alot lately it seems. Life has not stopped around us. We haven't stopped either. Most of us here recognize that we are on a path of growth, and this process of grief simply evolves with us. So why/when does this path end? When is the grief over? Talking to both my Mum and my Dad, D'ed for over 20 years - it never ends - it just fades.

I'm not near there yet, as in my case there are some mixed signs still. I'll also admit that the lack of an A makes my sitch different. There is nothing that says that you have to wait patiently forever in hopes that they'll come back, or that this means the M is truly totally, irreversibly dead when you choose to stop waiting.

it is DEAD now. short of death - nothing is irreversible. forever, truly, irreversible, totally - IDK, maybe I am regaining my composure, but the greyness is creeping back in to my life. It has always existed. I forcefully superimposed black and white, binary interpretations and expectations. they were never really there.

So the question then is when have I reached that point. Obviously if I get in a committed R with someone else, I have definitely have to make a choice to leave the old M behind. But short of that, when for me is it OK to move on?

I would suggest, 2nd-ing Cadet's advice above - that you make that break BEFORE you start a new R. You are moving on now. You just can't see it because you are moving with it, and that is just where you are. It's like my kids hardly grow, recognisably, but my nephews - every few months when I see them they've grown heaps. A few months back were you even considering OW in the same light you are now? In a few more months I bet WE will think differently again.

I'm faced with a number of tough questions. Is it fair to get involved with someone else if I am still keeping the door cracked to my W because of the kids & my personal choice based on my beliefs and values? I recognize that temptation of an interesting, attractive, and interested woman will make some kind of calm, well thought out decision in the moment difficult. I don't know how I'll ultimately choose. I'll have to navigate that choice carefully. Even if I'm open about where I'm coming from, is it fair to this other person?

firstly, you dont need to answer any questions. I'm guilty of the same BUT ask yourself this (I ask d4 this all the time): What answer would you be satisfied with?

It probably isn't fair, BUT I will take the bet that if you OR I are in a position, in a R, where the emotional connection is even valid enough to possibly consider something of the magnitude of "leaving the crack open" - then I doubt we will be framing the argument this way in our minds. Consider you have a wonderful R, but it ends in 2 years. So does your W. Does this mean R with our W is off the table in 5 years time?

I know of a couple that R after 19 years! Both having M's and kids in between.