Hopeless in NYC

[mahhhty]

What is the latest?

[eclipse]

Well, that was interesting. So I signed up for a sports training program, and it starts tomorrow. Just got a call from the W asking me to pick up D from camp tomorrow because she has to work. When I told her that I can't because I already enrolled and had no idea, she nearly blew a gasket. Apparently I'm supposed to just be available any time she needs my help because her work schedule isn't fixed. I did promise to help out more with D because mother in law has cancer and can't do much, but why does this imply that I'm not allowed to have a life at all? And even when I said I would come up with something and call her back a bit later, she still sounded pissed. WTH?

[mahhhty]

Of course she would be pissed. Why didn't you just expect that. She will only see her perspective she doesn't give two shits about yours. It doesn't matter that it is last minute. You are inconveniencing her.

Start developing better validation techniques to defuse those situations.

[eclipse]

I was going to take D on a little out-of-state trip during the two weeks in between her camp and the upcoming school year. When I told the W last week, she said she would also like to take her somewhere. I didn't think anything of it at the moment.

So today, she sends me a text mid-day asking if I had some time to spare so she could tell me something. I agree, but feel nauseated by the possibility that it would be about the divorce again. Lowe and behold: she wants me to join her on the trip she was planning. Of course she very clearly threw in that it's not meant to be a romantic getaway, but I figured why not--sounds fun either way, so I casually agreed and said I'll talk to the boss about taking some time off. Let's see where this goes.

[eclipse]

Backlog: two days ago

To plan our upcoming trip, the W invited me over to her place for the very first time. She must've been particularly upbeat that day because she asked if D and I were hungry and suggested we order an old family favorite for dinner. The restaurant messed up our order, but instead of getting pissed as in the past, I just went back and had it replaced. Nice. W decided to give me a tour of the place...looks nice, I can see where that child support money went. She seems rather pleased with herself, probably fishing for a compliment on her eye for aesthetic, so I gave it to her. After we eat, we get down to business planning the trip. All of a sudden, as we're browsing around on her fancy new laptop, she blurts out "so, are you still okay with having an open marriage, because that's pretty much what we have now." I felt really uncomfortable, so was trying to think of something to say when she follows up with a story about how one of her recent dates took her to see some fancy performing arts show and how nice it is to have the guy pay for her. I'd ask why this needs to be inserted, but ahead of any such concern I remember how she would frequently chastise her own BFF for using men to pay for expensive dates (hypocrisy much?). At some point she mentions how she dropped out of therapy a while ago but needs to go back to get hooked up with Paxil.

After we finish booking, the W had to run off to work, and as I'm tying my shoes, she again asks if I like the place and then mentions that if "somehow" things would work out between us, maybe I could move in with her (she knows I've been looking for an apartment). I thank her for the offer and off I go with D.

[eclipse]

Well, W finally confessed to having an affair. I'll detail the specifics of how we got to this later, but that's not the important thing right now. There is something very wrong with her. She's talking about trying to fix the relationship, but it's very mechanical the way she talks about it. Her mood varies a lot, but only between neutral and depressed. She says she understands why I acted the way I did, but then switches to blaming me once again. She alternates between how I've done a great job turning things around and taking credit for all the positive changes (it's all thanks to her leaving). There's a lot of swaying back and forth, and from what I've read in the affair boards it kinda sounds like she's still at it. But I don't think that's what's going on here. My entire life I've always had very weak intuition and was poor at reading people, but I have this deep, sickening negative feeling from talking with my W right now and I know in my gut something is horribly wrong...much worse than just an affair.

[mahhhty]

Eclipse,
Keep us posted. This could be a turning point in your story. Her suggestions make me believe she wants to turn it around. But realize this progression has been seen by others on the board. The spew is still running validate and go slow and she may come around to some remorse. Validate and STFU.

Good luck.

[eclipse]

I haven't been able to work ever since W told me slept around. It's just constant anxiety and a feeling of disgust. I've managed to block it out for the most part, but the images creep in sometimes, and I feel sick to my stomach. First migraine today in over half a year.

So W and I had breakfast the other day. She was acting really sweet and said she's not afraid to touch me anymore...even gave me a small hug. It felt so strange--there was warmth, like a sense of belonging, but at the same time pain and distance. We ate in the car and talked. Some of the things she said were weird though...

She hated how I used to work so much, but now when I tell her I want to cut back to make room in my life for friends/family, she seems vehemently opposed and says everyone must work hard because that's how life is. 180. She said she made a mistake in telling me to reconnect with my mom and sister and that she doesn't like or trust them and I shouldn't either. 180. She says we should get a babysitter to watch D so we can run off and spend lots of time together. 180. What is going on? I feel like she's trying to recreate the life she ran away from. Then she told me about some happiness group we should attend on the weekends. Huh? She's mapping out our time already? How did she flip so quickly??

I feel so lost and confused, mentally and emotionally. IC isn't helping with that at this point. Did I mention the W thinks we need a marriage counselor?

[Vanilla]

Eclipse

I can't get the measure of WW at all. It's very backwards. It's like she is 'leading' taking charge and frankly that should be you.

I sense as you do that there is something in the background. Let it unfold in time and hold back and observe. I am unsure but it could be a number of things and a couple of my thoughts I hold as they are very difficult thoughts to express.

I am not sure about the going away part with WW as I am unsure it's too soon and you aren't as strong as I think you could be. I have a niggle about it.

V

[Vanilla]

Oh dear Cadet another double negative!

Should read:

I am unsure. It could be a number of things. I am keep my thoughts as yet I have no explanations that I understand. Some of my thoughts are difficult to express and I am uncomfortable.

Apologies eclipse, perhaps Sandi or Wonka can help on this.

V