Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[DifRent]

Yeah PP, the tough part is knowing that it has to run its course, that it has to get worse - at least for her - before it gets better. One thing I'm learning right now from my own end of things is that the pain I'm suffering has forced me to become even more humble and firm in my faith, which isn't extraordinary, by the way, but is leading me to a richer and deeper prayer practice, to genuine growth, and eventually a more meaningful life. We are shaped in the valleys, not on the mountaintops. I want to make all this go away, but I also don't want to skim the surface of a superficial life, and if I really look at our relationship in retrospect, as good and strong as it was, it could have certainly been better. Wake up call...

As for my W, I see how things are piling up for her - the guilt over what she's done that she tries to suppress but she just can't shake, bending over backwards to please the OW and convince herself she's the one, this month of moving into one house and renovating another in the projects, all kinds of complicated closings for her business this month but no solid leads on the horizon, the self-imposed pressure she has to be successful and make money, money, money - she insists over and over again how much she loves it, and I think she doth protest too much.

She's skating on the surface and has lost touch with the woman she was in Afghanistan, the one who wanted to come home to build a successful business with me, yes, but only so that it could support a SIMPLE life for us, rooted in faith and following God's will. She's trying to force a certain result she thinks will bring her peace in a very stressful way. It just won't work.

And so watching her deal with all this is hard, because of course I want to save her from all this - save the woman I love, anyway, not the monster I don't. I pray she doesn't have a stroke, but I also know that it's the pressure and the challenges and the difficulties that are what will eventually bring her to her knees. I want us to R, but much more than that, and even without that, I want her to R with God, with or without me. I want her to know peace and live the life she's meant to live. For sure, I know that what she has now is a busy but hollow existence. And all I can do for her is pray.

[CaliGuy]

Diff

Like you I found my faith go from where it was to ultra drive .... For me that was the last hidden secret to all this, one that truly allowed me to detach. I gave up my W and my M for lent ... Talking "God not sure what your plan here is , you've brought me this far, and I know you did not bring me all the way out here to drown. Please grant me the wisdom and patience to learn the lessons you want me to learn, and please take care of my W she is all yours"

I've given my faith story 3 times now, for whatever reason I believe God wanted me to touch certain people at certain times... I've been approached about this out of the blue often.

I think it was Jack who posted to me long ago, God doesn't always give us what we want but He always gives us what we need.

Diff I will tell you, had God answered my prayers on my timeline all this would have been for not.... It's becoming clear to me that I needed to learn some lessons.... But so did my W, these things did not happen at the same time for a very good reason.

You are walking this journey brilliantly

[HeavyD]

Caliguy and Diff

What a beautiful post about faith and trusting God even though we are not capable of understanding the plan He has for us. Faith. Faith that we where we are supposed to be, Faith that whatever happens we will be OK, Faith that maybe we can help others who are going through dificult situations.

I had coffee with a friend from my past that I have gotten a lot closer to, her W has breast cancer and we talked at length about how this has affected her, her family and just the emotional toll required go through it. I am grateful she felt comfortable enough with me to share. I of course shared my story which palls in comparison to hers but it was good to just share.

So, Faith. Thank you God for answered and unanswered prayers.

[DifRent]

Cali, thanks for all that encouragement to continue being faithful. Just after I read your post, she came in the door, talking about moving again for the umpteenth time. I have the Bible open by the front door, and she came toward me with what I can only describe as a troubled countenance and said, "You never used to have the Bible open. All this and sprinkling holy water around and - do you think by doing these things I'm going to all of a sudden see what a terrible horrible sinner I am and come back to you? You say I'm not acting like me, but this is not acting like you."

I just looked at her and said, "Well actually, it is like me. And it's about my relationship with God, that's all."

The real W knows this is "acting like" me. But when she lived here, I was always careful to tread lightly around her because she never wanted to feel pressured to do anything "religious." Even when going through RCIA and preparing for baptism, I was careful to let her take the lead so we could go at her pace.

So... why is she even bringing this up? If she thinks that's what I'm doing, and she's NOT going to be swayed by prayer, why does it matter to her what I do or don't do? Is it because it is somehow... affecting her??? Spiritual attack, midlife crisis, Jekyll, Hyde...

Before she left, she asked me if I needed her for anything.

Glad she didn't stay here to work, as the house feels more peaceful without her here. Hmm. Well, I did ask God for a small sign today that He's working on her. I'm guessing that was a bigger sign than I was expecting.

[PigPen]

I want us to R, but much more than that, and even without that, I want her to R with God, with or without me. I want her to know peace and live the life she's meant to live. For sure, I know that what she has now is a busy but hollow existence. And all I can do for her is pray.

What a beautiful statement Dif, what an absolutely beautiful sentiment. There is so much power in what you just wrote, both for you and for her.

There is so much more that you are doing for her than just praying though, you are being a rock. It may be "DB protocol" but who knows what powers beyond this board are directing you.

I was deep in meditation a few months back and had asked prior to sitting down what the purpose of this journey was for me. The sobriety, the individuation, the reconnection with true health and wellness. Where was it leading me?

The answer I got was not what I was expecting - it wasn't about me. It was about my W. This may not be detached but it came through my gut so I believe it. The download was that if I had fallen apart, if I had dived head first into drinking, drugs, and women, that my W would not have been free to do her own work as she would have been concerned about me.

From day 1, she's been shocked that I went to the light instead the darkness, but that day I heard that this wasn't about me, that the stronger I got the more she would actually pull away from me because she could - and more importantly needed to for her own growth. It was hard to hear but I was told that this was the deal I had made with her long ago in a time and space that I couldn't understand in my head.

Maybe this is the same deal you made with your W.

Big hug to you Dif,

PP

[Wonka]

Diff,

I want to comment about the Bible. I am puzzled as to why it's left open at the front door. And I don't blame W for picking up on it.

My grandmother is a Catholic and has Bibles at home. However, she does not leave them open or nowhere near the front door. I am wondering about your subconscious actions here.

I think it's best to keep things real and not leave those "small, hidden" messages around the house like that. To me, it seems a bit deliberate to stick it to W in an indirect way. If I were you, I'd lay off on this issue and back off.

[CaliGuy]

^ x2

Diff your faith is yours and yours alone. I know for me it was a serious 180, I did not do it to win my wife back, but it was an important part of MY journey.... AJM gave me some valuable advice concerning this. Your W wants nothing to do with pressure and judgement right now, those two things are stressors .... That open bible , yeah that will get her worked up, it's bad enough she feels the guilt as it is and has no idea how to cope with that, toss on some Fire and brimstone she will run out like that holy water is going to boil in her presence.
Faith is good, keep it for you.... Be extremely careful with this and appearing "holier than thou" .... I had that tossed my way a couple times

[DifRent]

Ah, well, I probably should have been more clear. The bible has always been by the front door, on a stand that she purchased and put there, with an Orthodox cross (her faith of origin) that she also purchased and put there. Nothing unusual about any of it, and the bible has also been open before - not most of the time, but sometimes. And since I do read the readings in the mornings over there now (we used to read them together on the couch), I just haven't bothered to close it.

While she's never wanted to be pressured about religion from the outside, she certainly did arrive here with her own articles of faith. You wouldn't believe how many Orthodox icons are on the walls and shelves - some gone now, as she slowly moves out. We were a very faith-filled couple, so for her to say this isn't me is disingenuous. My faith hasn't been a 180 - it's just being tested, and strengthened.

Although I am praying for her for sure, I'm not at all trying to throw extra guilt or anything on the fire. I'm just not being so careful about treading lightly, I guess, because she doesn't live here. I think she's just seeing things through these new eyes of hers - everything is about her, after all. Why shouldn't the open bible be, too?

[DifRent]

One other thing WW talked about while she was here: she wanted a timeline for us to settle accounts - canceling credit cards and bank accounts and planning for movers, etc. I know in the DB world, this is just part of the process, not an end to anything but what wound up being a bad relationship, and one that has to end in order for there to be any hope for a new one.

I actually just went through and drew up the list, figuring this might help me with a sense of closure as well. But instead, it just felt like a punch in the gut... this woman, who once wanted nothing more than for us to care for each other, to be one, to share our lives forever... how can this be possible? How could we be so in love in March, and so calculated and cold today?

I don't know, it just hit me hard for some reason. I've got my divorce care group tonight, I'll get past it. But this [censored].

[Zues126]

"You never used to have the Bible open. All this and sprinkling holy water around and - do you think by doing these things I'm going to all of a sudden see what a terrible horrible sinner I am and come back to you? You say I'm not acting like me, but this is not acting like you."

"No, I'm praying for you because I don't think you'll ever see that..."

Sorry, wishful thinking...back to detachment!