I come from the wake up school, stiff upper and all that. Do the time if you do the crime. Fog and MLC are addicted behaviours.
I struggle with seeing bad behaviour as mental illness, I read around and I sense a great deal of non Christain thought on other boards, expose the affair, it's good for OMs W or OW H to know, they deserve to know. Tell their bosses etc, embarrass the children, make them a target for bullies.
We aren't all in middle class Christain communities with religious leaders who back the wronged spouse. What worries me even more is the stand up be a man, lay down the law etc, or be a woman get sexy that's the issue etc. The world has moved on from those days, dads are often the better parent, OPs are often deceived too, affairs aren't always 'fog' but sheer damn selfishness and easy. Spouses acting in this way, act in this way because they can, and it isn't that we 'let' them or don't stop them or don't have boundaries.
There is no doubt in my mind that WH will move on, whether he has regrets or concerns, is his responsibility, mine is to heal and grow, and to make damn sure that I am WH bullet proof. I don't get hoovered back in with fake promises. Fool me once........
I don't have kids, and having children I think that makes a sitch so much harder, WW will be in your kids life forever, and hence in yours. Your WW has moved far away to avoid the flack, I suspect she knew it would happen. There isn't any way the 'get tough' and 'tough love' policies will happen, when the wayward just goes waywarding away to another location. It was absolutely clear to me that Joe was a loving man, a great dad and close to his stepchildren too. Your WW is missing out on a great deal and that is her choice to endure the consequences of her action. To go all that way to be with someone from the Internet is crazy, so part of it must be to escape from repercussions where she is.
That is WH, he hasn't nested here in this location, so he poops as he likes and then moves on to do it again. All I can do is say thank God he has moved on and smile for relief he no longer comes by. I am allowed to rebuild my life. It is surprising how the love and support from those around me is flowing my way. Suddenly there are stories emerging of bad behaviour. I don't have to be subject to it any more although I hear much. There is a relief in distance for me, although the wayward avoids self responsibility if they move away. For my WH there are no consequences and this reinforces that his behaviour works for him. There are hundreds of villages here, he won't run out of targets.
I think the days of calling an A out to heal an M are gone for most Sitches. If it works sometimes that great, as for me, I can't believe in lies, the truth is important.
Your WW as you describe it has returned to her roots, to be near her family. Are you aware of any previous connection with this OM? Or has he moved to be near WW. From another location? Is his D with him permanently?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/15/1506:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I come from the wake up school, stiff upper and all that. Do the time if you do the crime. Fog and MLC are addicted behaviours.
I struggle with seeing bad behaviour as mental illness,
V, I also believe in this. Since I am a recovering alcoholic, I am familiar with addictions. But we all still have choices. I made the choice NOT to drink anymore and do the work to stay sober. WW made the choice to lie, cheat and steal. She could have stopped and got help. She could have said we both need to go to counseling. She could have found a forum such as this to try and save her marriage just like our wonderful friend Sandi did.
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OPs are often deceived too, affairs aren't always 'fog' but sheer damn selfishness and easy.
I also have thought of this. I was deceived also when I met WW. She told me she was divorced. I know for a fact that she was separated for several years. But just found out a few years ago that she was actually divorced until we had been together 2 years. This time she began a new relationship while still married and pretending everything was fine. Her OM could very well be lied to by her also.
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There is no doubt in my mind that WH will move on, whether he has regrets or concerns, is his responsibility, mine is to heal and grow, and to make damn sure that I am WH bullet proof. I don't get hoovered back in with fake promises. Fool me once........
I feel the same way. V, you and I are both better off!! It is hard for us to see that before, but I believe that now. When I found this house in town to rent and the nice people to rent from, there was something in the back of my mind that said maybe God has a plan that I don't know about. I believe God saw what was happening and took me down this road. Because I found this house in town and because I have a great boss to work for and a wonderful community and friends, I am in the best position to care for my children. To be the Custodial parent.
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Your WW as you describe it has returned to her roots, to be near her family. Are you aware of any previous connection with this OM? Or has he moved to be near WW. From another location? Is his D with him permanently?
WW did return to her roots. But has had little contact with her family. According to stepson, she has only been there a couple times. Which is sad because her mom is very sick. I am not aware of any previous relationship with OM. Nor do I care. This all started after I found the links to the online dating site on her computer. She moved very close to where he lives. I have no idea what his situation is other than D12 said he was divorced. But who really knows!! There are so many lies being told, maybe he is cheating on his wife. Maybe I will get a call from his wife one day. I am don't know about the situation with his daughter. I am sad for her. Kids are the innocent victims in all this. To be honest, like I have said before, he can have WW. She is his problem now!!!
It feels so good to have my kids home. I am sad for S7 because he really misses his mom. I am setting up a appointment with counselor so I can talk with both kids and do it the right way. I will be explaining that I am filing divorce and I will also be explaining why. I will not bash their mother. But they need to know that I am divorcing because she left me to live with OM while we were still married. I have done alot of reading on this and I believe kids need to know the truth about why I am filing for divorce. They will always love their mom and I will always encourage that. I have no intentions of keeping them from her. But they need to know right from wrong. This is wrong. As they get older, they will be able to make up their own minds about the situation. But it won't be based on lies from me. Or me hiding the truth!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Actually he doesn't live close to them. She moved closer to him than her family. I have no idea what his story is. He is 8 years younger than her. And has a daughter. That is all I know. D12 said he has no where to live. WW said he has a house. Who really knows. Like I said, it doesn't really matter. My focus is on my self and my kids. But if kids tell me anything bad about this guy, I will be all over it!!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I felt so sad for S7 today. He went to play with one of his friends up the street. Friends mom took them to the pool. WW told her before she left that she was just going to help her mom and would be back. So she was asking S7 when WW will be home. S7 I don't think my mom is coming home. That just breaks my heart for him. I am so sad he has to tell other kids that and their parents.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thanks for clarifying for me, I was a little muddled about locations, I forget the US is much bigger than the UK!
It's a fact for S, it's a good thing he can say so in a straightforward way. You have done an excellent job for your S. he is not confused and is stating his belief and understanding.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Started out with S7 have upset stomach and bad cramps. Took him in to the clinic to be on the safe side. Turned out to be a stomach bug. I took my work home with me so I could be with him.
Went to open house for kids school later in the afternoon. Luckily S7 was feeling well enough to go. I could tell kids felt a little weird without mom being there. It is probably tougher seeing other kids with their mom's there. I talked to D12 after we got home. I told her I will do my very best for her and her brother through all this.
I did luck out at the open house. D12 wanted her own trumpet for band and pep band. I was trying to figure out how to afford to get her one. The instrument store that helps supply the school was there and I was able to buy her one with low monthly payments. Also if she changes her mind after a year, just turn it back in. They do a rent to own. I was very happy.
Told daughter last night that things are going to be tough and a little different but we will make it through. Good things are coming for us!! She seemed happy!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You're doing great being the rock solid parent to the kids. Trust me, they'll remember this for the rest of their lives and they probably will bring some of those memories during family holidays such as Thanksgiving, etc.
