Few Questions From. Newbie

[sandi2]

IMHO, kids need to feel secure. When adults are using the D word, it scares them to death. They want to know how it will effect their world. Your D13 already thinks it means choosing between her parents. How does a kid do that? Just assure her that both of you love her and she will not have to decide who she loves more or who she believes is right or wrong. That's too much pressure for her. She may be worried if she'll have to go to another school, move away from her friends, give up certain activities, etc. That is what teenage girls think about.

Kids need to see Daddy keeping it together emotionally. That is just one of the reasons I come on so strongly about men not loosing it in front of children. Daddy is suppose to be the rock, their leader, their provider and protector, the solid foundation for their home and if he is scared and crying and not knowing what's going to happen.....imagine how that affects them.

I think the fact that I over react, beg, argue my case, and plead with her to work on our R and M, she is avoiding all serious talk.

That's the message we try to get through to the LBH.

I am not sure I can support her decision to leave me. How do I show her support without giving her the go ahead? I have told her I am here for her and want to work on our R and M. I want to keep this together and she is putting all her effort into making sure it can't happen.

Why on earth do you think you have to show her support in this decision? Listen, you don't have to "support" anything you are against or that's wrong.

Stop thinking like some soft, passive type, "yes dear" husband! Start thinking like an individual. Stop telling her you are there for her. She has to stand on her own legs, in order to experience what she thinks she wants. Understand? Instead of being a big fluffy pillow for her and kissing her boo-boo, let her fall down. It's called tough love. If you don't have it, you'd better find it b/c if there's a third party involved, you are in for a terrible time.

Having a fight with her Sunday certainly has not helped. I did all the talking and tried to get her to open up. It didn't work.

That's right, talking doesn't work at this point. So, what do you do if you can't talk your way out of this? That's what we are trying to tell you.

She just kept saying she didn't know why or when she stopped loving me, would not tell me if their is OM. Told me we are done. She does not want to try to work on anything.

If she won't tell you if there is OM, then I would suggest to you that there is one. Don't ask her again, and don't go berserk. Maintaining your cool is essential in getting her back, if that's what you want. Would OM be a deal breaker for you?

Don't ask her again about why or when she stopped loving you, okay? That doesn't work. You see, everything is different now. You can't get her to open up and discuss things like you did in past times. She has changed. You have to use a new method now.

What am I to do?

Please read my threads about wayward wives.
Keep your mouth closed about being always being there for her. Don't try to talk her into staying. Remain calm. Do NOT break down in front of her or the kids. Go off by yourself to cry. Do not beg or ask for forgiveness at this point.

What works is to show your inner strength by remaining calm and cool, and by not reacting to her bait. Act nonchalant whenever she talks about leaving. Let her go. Let her leave! If she leaves, it doesn't mean she'll never come back. Do not show her your fear. Pretend to be confident, even if you don't feel it.

Know what you want. If she has cheated, do you still want her? Are you willing to live in an open marriage? Could you forgive her if she ended the A (if she's having one)? Many men are so focused on just keeping her from leaving or getting a D, they don't really examine the rest. That's why some LBH's become the WAH, once the WW returns.

For now, don't worry over what to say. Don't say anything.