Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

Well... we're back. Today is the first day back to a regular routine (we arrived back home sunday night but H took off Monday to work on getting things unpacked & done around the house).

So that is 17 days of being around each other (with the kids) without many of the daily stressors and I think it did us some good. I think it gave us a good opportunity to have fun together and reconnect (as well as we could w/ kid distractions). I think there has been quite a bit of progress in this time... all the affection that we had found for each other while working through the affair (but lost when things fell off the track) is back. He says I love you on his own & started saying it on his own.

He has made several little comments that have been meaningful... one time we were in the car & he fixed something for our little boy & our little boy was surprised he'd fixed it. H says, "Daddy can fix a lot of things." Then he turned somewhat to me and said, "I wish Mommy thought so." I took this to mean that he wants to fix things and he is maybe feeling a little uncertain to whether I believe he can.

Another time we were in the car and one of the kids was saying something was Daddy's favorite. He then said, "No, Mommy is my favorite, then you guys, then the dogs.... " This is significant because during our affair recovery time while working with the marriage counselor, I had sent him an article about how you should put your partner first ahead of your children. It listed many reasons why you should such as the couple came first before the kids & you need to take care of that so the marriage will last, etc. I sent it to H & he read it & agreed that the article made sense but he said he didn't know if he'd ever be able to make that transition. And this fact has been painfully obvious as he puts them first in so many day to day things. I will also admit that when they were babies & toddlers, they were put first ahead of my h by me... and I put h on the back burner. I have apologized for this as I now see how detrimental this was. But even when we were in marriage counseling, he was doing it only for the kids. So... I think him vocalizing this shift, even if he is not 100% feeling it, is a positive thing & a sign that he is moving in that direction.

We have not had any relationship talks such as discussing what has happened & why or whether or not he is maintaining contact w/ the OW. I have not had any indication that he is communicating with the OW during the past 17 days.

I have been really worried about getting back to the real world & talked some with my IC yesterday about this. I feel better about it today & so far have been fine and I have not been getting myself all worked up about what he could be doing while he is away. I do have the sense that there will be hard days to come but for now I'm focusing on the positives.

I mentioned a few things about His Needs, Her Needs to him during our trip & he began reading the book a bit in the car near the end of our trip. He seemed to be a bit more attentive after reading what he read and he even made a comment about how he hasn't been as good as he used to be about giving me attention.

So all in all, things are going pretty well. I am pretty sure we'll have more ups & downs & I am not all certain how to handle conversations that need to be had or exactly when to have them... but for now that is ok. I think we needed time to make lots of deposits into each others love banks and I think we need to focus on that for a little while longer. My IC thinks the conversation about contact w/ the OW needs to come when I am doing OK. I think I was looking for the relationship to be better to have that conversation but I can see how waiting until I have made improvements in myself would be more within my control and focus.

Any words of wisdom for this stage in the game are welcome.

So now it's back to laundry & house stuff and day to day stressors... which sadly includes putting one of our dogs to sleep this afternoon.