From over here, your wife still looks to be a very immature and dependent personality. A roommate... Shouldn't either be offering opinions on how to handle you or her money. A bf, still even. If she is soliciting or taking such advice, I would think she is still a little girl with her hand out asking someone to lead her through her life. But hey, good news is now she's realizing that can be the source of arguments people besides you!
If you were asking for thoughts on your first question, mine is, what haven't you already laid out for her? If it's not new? She doesn't need to hear it again. If saying it, writing it the first time didn't bring you closer, saying it or writing it the second time probably still won't. You're just going to have to look at another reaction you probably don't want to see or hear. Save yourself the pain. I think DR means not pursuing, and I have a feeling you're laying it all out the way you think you want to, it is going to be pursuit.
And she is with another man, so double no.
I think you will serve yourself, and any chance of reconciling your marriage, by being you who has excepted her actions and is moving on with his life. Friendly, lighthouse, rock, whatever. Let her start a R talk if she wants to. Just enjoy the time with her however you can and keep your dignity in tact.
I'm going to be a friend for a second - these are the voices that keep me strong:
TLEE, you loved her, and that is OK. You did more than most men would. She is running around lost, she has hurt you numerous times, and she is with another man. Why are you getting yourself so twisted up over this? How can you possibly think about pursuing her after all of that? Let her go, let her be the one to come crawling back to you. if she doesn't, it is her loss, and that is the biggest thing you need to show her when you see her. Go heal from this, and find a lady who knows how to value you.
You and me have a bad habit of trying to polish turds, calling things wonderful and magical when it was in fact held together by duct tape, strong and mostly our energies. I am not saying your WAW is a turd, but the situation definitely is.
What will you really get out of laying it all out there - one more time - that the first ten times haven't given you? It's not a smart ass question, what do you think is different now, what is she going to hear that is going to be new and different? What are you going to have to hold, to inspire any trust, even if she does say "ok, TLEE, yeah." You guys have done that. Why would this time be different? You lead her back like a pouty nervous little girl, she takes your hand for a while, then runs away again.
If she was sitting in your living room right now, and the day after, and the day after, how would you really feel?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
