FIDO - Changing the Rules - Pt 3

[Calibri]

Reading your posts, the BC pills, the OM, all the 'she is
Bottom line, you are the one living like this, in an open marriage and it frustrates you ... you are scared of actually telling her ENOUGH and walking, heck I would bet a paycheck she would actually respect you for that move.

I think that's a concept I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around...that she'd respect me for making a decision to walk away. I think she'd just see it as further victimization...that I messed up her life and then just washed my hands and walked away...

Not that I think she's right, just I think that's how it would play.

So, I think you're both guilty of victimization. Your victimization just comes in a different form. Yours may not appear as victimization, because it isn't what society thinks of when they think victim. But I see it. Ialso agree with Sandi2 and see alot of co-dependency.

I also see two people, who honestly, are afraid of being the bad guy and pulling the plug on the marriage. Currently, the marriage isn't working for either one of you, but instead of having that conversation and separating, she wants to shriek and spew, and you want to have alot of talks.

I don't think she will ever leave because, honestly, why would she? With you, she gets to work her part time (?) job which facilitates her seeing the OM. She gets to have fantasies about the OM, kiss him, pine away from him on FB, and she has a husband who is sitting there and accepting all of the [censored] that she spews. Who continues to provide a roof over her head, and food in her stomach and INTERNET ACCESS to pine away over OM on FB. Who continues to sit and be cuckold. And the moment you talk (and key work here, talk) about it not working, leaving, etc - she knows what button to push. It's not trying hard enough/NH's parents were mean to me/abandoning me/i'm trying hard but I need closure/etc. etc.

And then you accept the blame and rationalize her behavior and wait. Seemingly for her to wake up. Or to realize what a great catch you are. Or for whatever. And she's not going to.

Because frankly, you're the little boy who cried wolf.

(and I mean that as respectfully as possible)

It's all talk and no action. You've been advised to leave several times. If only for a night. But you stay. And I don't know if it's out of fear, or stubbornness, or what.

But there comes a point where you have to back up your words with actions. As a female, I can tell you that if I were your W, and you were my H and were standing by me through all this -- including the BC BS? I would have no respect for you. Because it would appear to me that you had no self respect. I wouldn't want a man who would let me run all over him. Because I find it to be weak and unattractive.
And I'm betting that's how your wife feels. Why she can't get back that intimacy.

I really like you NH. I think you're a good guy - and I believe you do have the power to save your marriage, or to become a great partner for someone in the future. But you have to realize that your W is in fact playing you. And that you are facilitating the ability for her to do so. I know it's hard to view your W has someone who is sitting there, scheming and thinking, "oh, this would be a great way to play NH." I don't think it's a calculated thing. However, one can still play others without the intent to do so. I think it's human nature.

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At the end of the day - you have to honor yourself and take the journey that you feel comfortable with. It's easy for us to give advice because we don't live it and we aren't privy to your exact emotions.

I believe that you have to do what you can live with, and what you are comfortable with.

I hope you find the strength and clarity you need - for whatever path you take.