I guess I didn't look at it like that I was looking more along the lines of feeling the emotions as they were there instead of just pushing them away I can say not pursuing these two days has given me piece of mind that I do NOT need to text him daily I can even wait until he is home to discuss kids money ect! I guess I didn't feel like I was pretending not to be angry I actually wasn't angry just sad! That was scary to me because usually I become angry and defensive. I felt it was good for me to feel the emotions and look at why I was feeling them and understand them! I guess I thought it was more about me looking at my feelings not basing them on his reaction maybe I was wrong?! Can you help me dig a little deeper Into the way I looked at it Zeus?!
I do understand the Old R is dead and right now there is no chance of a new R infact after talking to MIL last night I got a ton of insight into my own behavior it was not fun to hear but it was eye opening defiantly stung and have thought about it all day and what I need to do!
Thanks for clarifying 4. Yes, sitting with your emotions is absolutely on the right track. I'm sorry I misunderstood.
This is very new. It makes perfect sense that you will be hung up emotionally on this man, and that your emotions will be real. I support sitting with them, not denying them, and being there for yourself to provide comfort and companionship through this hard time.
The emotions get a voice, but what they DON'T get to do is run the show. That means driving your behavior, or even driving your thoughts all day long. Definitely experience your emotions and listen to them, but then at some point you can say "ok, I've heard what you have to say on that, I acknowledge your point of view, now I'm going to listen to another emotion that is giving me reasons to be confident and upbeat for a bit".
One thing I'd ABSOLUTELY recommend- as a break from the hard work- is the movie INSIDE OUT. It just came out in theaters a couple of months ago. (I just checked, it's still in theaters in my area). This is one of my favorite movies of all time now. Look up the reviews. It is a movie about the emotions inside this girl. Each one is a separate person, and they are all trying to influence the girl. "Joy" is the leader, and she tries to keep a tight leash on "sadness" so the girl is happy all of the time. Meanwhile she is fending off "anger" and "disgust".
There's much more to it than that, but I will tell you that both me and my best friend (who saw it separately) agreed it was one of the best movies ever made. Look at it as a GAL activity. At the same time it is extremely eye opening as far as how to understand yourself when you feel like something's not working right emotionally.
OK, keep up the good work, a tough of GAL is just what the dr. ordered so you are adding some fun stuff!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
pp I know nothing about meditating but I will look into it. I can do 10 breaths an hour though! I can not set an alarm at work I will have to see if I can set it on vibrate!
Zeus- I will start listening to my emotions and not just making them up as I go. I have heard many good things about that movie I will look into it for sure. I have plans for Thursday to take D7 and D8 to science center with a friend. Today I spent all day getting the stuff that needs done done. cleaning laundry dishes balancing our checking accounts paying bills ect. I am starting to get back into couponing again. I used to love doing it and I can do it at home but it keeps my mind busy.
I had another surprise this morning. Woke up to text from H
H: Have a great day please do not forget we havee that home visit at 4 (for daughter for preschool) I took out the garbage dishes soaking and laundry in dryer! Just starting the day for you!
M: thanks so much for your help I will get the rest finished up vacuum and cat box. I do need groceries today also! Dinner ideas? have a great day! (3 hours later)
H whatever for dinner
I need to get groceries today because the add cycle ends today and I only buy what is cheap and on sale!
His text made ME FEEL glad that he text me after 2 days of texting but again I did not feel this was a step in a positive direction. I felt it was a friendly act of kindness. It was a nice gesture but that was it! Normally I would get all happy and giddy about it but not this time. I controlled the emotion accepted it for what it really was and moved onto the things I needed to do!
Reading CD no more and had an aha moment! Thinking back through all my threads I have "played" the victim! He did this and that to me he hurt me ect! Guess what I hurt him also I made bad decision also I constantly fixed things pushed for change ect!
There are two strategies and they are not mutually exclusive.
To me meditating is inward focus, going deep into self, requires preparation and start with small time periods. Silence, stillness and peace. Emptiness of mind, freeing the spirit, space, breathing.
Whereas I see mindfulness as outward focus from a place of peace and is quiet observation, being in the now and aware.
It amuses me to read mindful meditation, it seems an oxymoron, but no doubt there is an explanation. I cant multitask it.
I involve myself in mindfulness at work, one can tolerate hours of it, and it can help concentration.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/20/1501:26 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Reading CD no more and had an aha moment! Thinking back through all my threads I have "played" the victim! He did this and that to me he hurt me ect! Guess what I hurt him also I made bad decision also I constantly fixed things pushed for change ect!
Nice. Yes, there are some roles that we can fall into. Rescuer/abuser is one. Rescue someone, then feel angry they aren't appreciative or keep needing more help and start getting abusive towards them. It sounds like you are the silent sufferer, taking on incredibly hurtful treatment thinking you'll be loved for it, only to not get the love you want and in turn become witchy about it.
So glad you're still posting here. Your sitch is miserable and won't change overnight, but change is possible. Stay on the road!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I just wanted to drop by and say thank you. You have been so brave in your description of you situation, your response and your willingness to take up advice and support for change.
Reading your sitch has triggered alot for me, and I am sorry if my tone and comments have come across as hard and unyeilding. This is the tone for which I use on myself when I am not being kind to myself about my sitch, my responses and feeling of powerlessness, my feeling of not changing fast enough.
You are doing well and gaining the insight you need. This is not the easiest of work to do. Zues has an amazing handle on this work, he understands the nauances of it more so than me. He is further in his recovery journey.
I am like you, slipping in and out of behaviours that are not helpful. Learning to put down control, to stop being the victim, "the silent suffer" is challenging. At the moment I am playing mini anthropologist. I now see the behaviours and conversations as they are playing out. I feel at times little control to intervene to stop it, but now instead of beating myself up, I take the stance of observing my response and interactions and attempt to find the triggering comment or event that has me engaging in these behaviours.
Anyway, I just wanted to say keep going. Keep reading, posting, keep reflecting, and most importantly keep loving you. For me this is a daily practice in not believeing every negative thing I think about myself. Even on this journey when we are take responsiblity for our role in the relationship with find ourselves in. The lesson is to be kind to yourself in the learning.
Lots of love and more light to you and children 4mykids
I can say not pursuing these two days has given me piece of mind that I do NOT need to text him daily I can even wait until he is home to discuss kids money ect! I guess I didn't feel like I was pretending not to be angry I actually wasn't angry just sad! That was scary to me because usually I become angry and defensive. I felt it was good for me to feel the emotions and look at why I was feeling them and understand them! I guess I thought it was more about me looking at my feelings not basing them on his reaction maybe I was wrong?! Can you help me dig a little deeper Into the way I looked at it Zeus?!