PP's New Adventure (5) - Filing & Moving Forward

[PigPen]

PP

You have time, the precious gift.......

Use it

V

I will V, I promise. This week is a big one. I'm not consumed with anger over Woofie, and am throwing myself into some big projects. I have a potential TED talk invite lined up for December and am making my pitch to them on Friday! Would be a huge game changer for me with my next business step.

Time is on my side...yes it is!

Big hug V.

PP

[PigPen]

Want to do a bit of journaling here. I've really been thinking about yesterday and the gem that I missed, but then caught from my W.

"You never trust me, you never trusted me in our M"

When I asked how I could show her that I trust her, her reply was "Start believing me when I tell you things."

This is a big deal for me, and she's correct in it. I want to use this and learn as much as I can from it since it's a sticking point in my own growth. There were a number of times when I not only ran what my W said through my own insecurities, but flat out didn't believe what she was saying. Or both. Or a combination of both.

After we had a miscarriage, her sleep was terrible for a few months, truly messed up due to the hormonal upheaval of the whole thing. I felt awful for her, she moved into our second bedroom so that she wouldn't keep me up, and any movement from me wouldn't wake her up if she was lucky enough to fall asleep.

After the miscarriage a few months went by and I asked if she wanted to try again. She told me she wasn't feeling up for it yet, and needed two more months - I was totally cool with that. Two more months went by and she was sleeping better, but said she wanted to feel better first, still cool. Then two more months. Then two more months, now I thought something else was going on.

It got to the point where I said I thought she didn't want to have a baby. She insisted that she did and that when she was pregnant, her whole life shifted away from wanted to be a business woman to being a mom. Since I never saw that part or felt that part, I told her that I didn't believe her. My gut just said that she was relieved that we had miscarried and that she didn't want to try again. We actually never did try again and any time that I brought it up she would say that our M wasn't in a good place for it.

I would tell her again that I thought she didn't want to start a family and was using issues in our M as a means to not go through with it. (this was not true, what she brought up was legitimate but was more than I could handle changing. definitely my fault on that one)

In hindsight, this was very unsupportive of me. It's tough to admit, but I even accused her of not sleeping as a subconscious way of putting distance between us. If she didn't sleep, she could sleep in the other room. Truthfully though, this is what my gut was telling me. Not my head, my gut said there was more to the issue than just sleep, or hormones.

My W said opposite but I didn't believe her. I want to change that, or be more open to believing things that may not make sense for me or feel true to me at the time. I know that NMMNG's are very co-dependent and I was as well. But I'm asking myself now if it runs deeper than that.

Any thoughts?

[DifRent]

PigPen, first of all, CONGRATS on the TED talk possibility! How awesome is that? I have to admit, the first thing that ran through my mind was, "PP's wife doesn't find this even mildly impressive? If I had that kind of opportunity, my W would probably consider coming back to me, because she'd be so impressed and proud. These kinds of things turn her on. But if that's the reason she'd come back to me, would I want her to come back to me?"

Of course not... sigh.

Anyway, being open to things that don't make sense to you... doesn't this whole DBing thing sort of put us in that place all the time? It's not really about believing such things so much as it is about being open to them, and validating that your W believes them (even things like your dog who eats poop being spiritual). I can see where your W is coming from based on how you reacted to her reactions following the miscarriage, and more importantly, so can you. So I think it's just about listening without judgment, and being there for her when she wants to talk. You don't have to "believe" the things she says necessarily, especially where there is so much turmoil and broken trust and you're headed for a divorce. But you can refrain from defending your own POV and just listening with an open and curious mind. Harville Hendrix is really good at explaining how to do this with our spouses using the Imago dialogue. If you're not familiar, you might want to look him up.

Hugs, and hang in there!

Dif

[PigPen]

Thank Dif, I don't think I've checked in on you in a bit, but appreciate you stopping by and lending me support and your thoughts.

My W was happy for me re: the TED talk, she's always been very supportive my expression. We were actually an amazing team that way - doing vision boards together, shooting YT videos for each other, brainstorming together - it was a blast. The only thing I couldn't get her to do was read what I wrote. I believe she wanted the same level of intimacy I would put on paper when I spoke with her and didn't want to hear thoughts I was willing to share with the world but not with her. Oddly enough I would talk about anything in a public speech or an article, but would clam up at home.

Thank you for the recommendation of the Imago dialogue. I'm going to look that up for sure. Listening without judging is a big one, but more than that I think it's about accepting that what's real for her may not be what my defense mechanisms are seeing.

I'm really having a hard time with the fact that I saw her for the first time in 4.5 months yesterday and hurt her feelings. I feel like I blew a great opportunity to showcase how much I've changed, but that blunder did the opposite. I spoke with my IC today about it and he said that when you burst someone's story - i.e. the story that she's created around our dog - it reveals the emotions underneath that they're using the story to cover. That it was more about her feeling like since I didn't believe her she was going to lose Woofie. Either way, I'm still upset about it.

DB'ing is still teaching me so darn much, and all of it stems around this idea that "change doesn't happen without change". Now I get why so much time is needed for all of this. Why a month or two months, or 5 months just doesn't cut it. Here I am 8 months since BD and am still learning about big issues that were an issue in my M. Learning that I haven't changed as much I thought I had, nor as much as I still can.

Big hug Dif,

PP

[asitis]

I hope that you get to the point where she is ready to work on your M and you can tell her all this. I'd hold off for now, as she is just making some moves back into contact with you, but I suspect that moment will come. There are so many of those kinds of talks I want to have w/ my W when/if the time comes.

You can also write it down in a letter (hand written on nice stationary) and store it away for a later time if you think you would struggle to get what you want across in person.

We learn a lot about ourselves, both our mistakes and weaknesses, and the way we really want to be, out of all this.

[PigPen]

Thanks As, I hope we both get the opportunity to have these talks. The idea of letters hand written letters would be a powerful one. I journal everyday and talk to people about it.

They always ask if it's ok to type. If possible I tell them to write it out. There's something much more powerful and meditative about having to slow down and think and watch your pen scratch across the paper.

Hope your meditations have been going well. I've been slacking on cushion time lately. Gotta get back on that horse.

PP

[asitis]

That and when it comes to an important letter to your W, put it on good paper with the best hand writing you can muster. No substitute.

Meditation fluctuates. Don't miss a day, but especially when I have the kids, I'm lucky to get in 10-15 minutes. When I'm at the apartment not only can I meditate, but I've got the full ritual of incense, a chant, and some time to read. On the other hand, kids can sometimes be a practice in and of themselves: there are 6 paramitas (vehicles to take you to the other shore - i.e., enlightenment) and the paramitas of patience & compassion get lots of practice even if the paramita of meditation does not.

I found that at the beginning, and any time I got out of the habit, setting an alarm on my phone at a usu. convenient time every day helped a lot to get back into the habit. The alarm goes off, and even if I can't sit right then it reminds me that I want to in the next couple hours. Worked well for me.

There are other kinds of meditation besides sitting as well: esp. walking. But you can turn almost any straight forward activity into meditation if you approach it right. Still, I've not found any to be a substitute for sitting, but they work in a pinch & are a good compliment.

[PigPen]

Woke up thinking about my W this morning, more so than I have lately. Her visit has stirred up so many feelings in me. I can resonate with those of us on the board that still have a good "relationship" of sorts with our spouses. It was definitely easier for me to detach when I was angry about not getting to see my dog and making her out to be evil. This morning I just missed my friend.

Instead of wallowing in it, I turned off all electronics, meditated (thanks As), journaled on the power of sexuality in creativity (I've got boatloads of one since there's been no coffee as of late), and then got to work on some projects. Feels good to be making things happen as opposed to wallowing.

Made my pitch to a speaking coach for the TED talk and she asked me to go deeper with it. That's the plan for the day, to live as if my life were as I want it to be in six months, to take the same actions as I would then.

Peace to everyone on the board today.

PP

[Wonka]

PP,

TED talk??!! Wowzer...that's huge. I do hope that you're invited to do the talk. Funny, last Sunday night I watched 60 Minutes where they had Chris Anderson on the program where he talked about the origins of the TED talks and his vision of how TED evolved. I was very interested in hearing about the history behind TED talks.

Not seeing your W for almost 5 months and then seeing her stand in front of you is bound to stir emotions. If you didn't feel a thing, then I'd worry about you.

I think you've achieved a great victory in getting W to see the importance of sharing Woofie. Seeing that the sky didn't fall down when you had him and returned him back in 100% perfect condition will soften up W's heart. Just keep your head on straight and not try to grab an inch for a mile. Let it be.

Slow and steady. I have a good feeling about your sitch.

[PigPen]

Thank you for your continued support Wonka, it means a lot even without your literary guidance. I'm still pondering how writing emails that said nothing that I "wanted" to say have improved my position with my W. That and how I make the kinds of changes within myself that are real and long lasting.

The TED talk should be clarified, it's a TEDX event, not the big TED talks. I'm not there yet, but it's on the bucket list.

I think the hardest part of this week so far has been having a little bit of hope return to me. Seeing my W and hearing how well she's doing, and how complementary our experiences are only makes me want to be with her more.

I hope that it does the same for her, even if she's not yet showing me that. I really do hope that seeds were planted, that even though I upset her, she's knows that I know it and made the correction the next day.

Am going to have a call soon with my DB coach and will put together a further game plan.

Thanks again.

Big hug,

PP