PP's New Adventure (5) - Filing & Moving Forward

[PigPen]

Want to do a bit of journaling here. I've really been thinking about yesterday and the gem that I missed, but then caught from my W.

"You never trust me, you never trusted me in our M"

When I asked how I could show her that I trust her, her reply was "Start believing me when I tell you things."

This is a big deal for me, and she's correct in it. I want to use this and learn as much as I can from it since it's a sticking point in my own growth. There were a number of times when I not only ran what my W said through my own insecurities, but flat out didn't believe what she was saying. Or both. Or a combination of both.

After we had a miscarriage, her sleep was terrible for a few months, truly messed up due to the hormonal upheaval of the whole thing. I felt awful for her, she moved into our second bedroom so that she wouldn't keep me up, and any movement from me wouldn't wake her up if she was lucky enough to fall asleep.

After the miscarriage a few months went by and I asked if she wanted to try again. She told me she wasn't feeling up for it yet, and needed two more months - I was totally cool with that. Two more months went by and she was sleeping better, but said she wanted to feel better first, still cool. Then two more months. Then two more months, now I thought something else was going on.

It got to the point where I said I thought she didn't want to have a baby. She insisted that she did and that when she was pregnant, her whole life shifted away from wanted to be a business woman to being a mom. Since I never saw that part or felt that part, I told her that I didn't believe her. My gut just said that she was relieved that we had miscarried and that she didn't want to try again. We actually never did try again and any time that I brought it up she would say that our M wasn't in a good place for it.

I would tell her again that I thought she didn't want to start a family and was using issues in our M as a means to not go through with it. (this was not true, what she brought up was legitimate but was more than I could handle changing. definitely my fault on that one)

In hindsight, this was very unsupportive of me. It's tough to admit, but I even accused her of not sleeping as a subconscious way of putting distance between us. If she didn't sleep, she could sleep in the other room. Truthfully though, this is what my gut was telling me. Not my head, my gut said there was more to the issue than just sleep, or hormones.

My W said opposite but I didn't believe her. I want to change that, or be more open to believing things that may not make sense for me or feel true to me at the time. I know that NMMNG's are very co-dependent and I was as well. But I'm asking myself now if it runs deeper than that.

Any thoughts?