Snodderly- the author of the sermons. You never posted during my prior tenure here. However I read every post that I could find of yours. I hope that things are well for you. Frankly I am starting from ground zero, i am just doing it faster in round 2. I really screwed up a lot. I have control issues, and was angry that the husband that I fantasized about didn't come home. he put me through hell. I kept praying, I kept looking for the man I knew a husband was supposed to be. (roll eyes and laugh) and I just got used to living in hell when all of a sudden one day he became nice. I was suspicious and I told him so. I didn't believe it. Except it lasted. it lasted a couple of years. Then when things were just ok and not great anymore my father got sick and then died. I turned very angry, I decided that H wasn't worth the bother. I would look at all my old DB stuff and say "too bad" I didn't really care about much, not my marriage, or any other aspect of my life. I took care of the kids, but that was about it. My H started living a single life again and I got angry at him for that. Things continued to deteriorate. then one day he moved into the guest room. We didn't talk for a week and then he asked for a D.
That's the short version. Basically, I don't know how much of it is his MLC (if at all) or if it is actually all my fault.
So I am working on me. I am in counselling- not sure if this guy is the right one, but I will give him 12 weeks before I decide to move to another. I am praying. hourly. I have done my personal inventory and I am seeking forgiveness for my part. I have not asked his family or friends for help. I am doing a 180. which is the polar opposite of going dark. I have kept the kids away from the house for most of the last month. They have been here when I know he won't be, but otherwise they have gone to camp or stayed with grandma. I am not ready for them to come around and see or hear that their parents are splitting. I am hurting alot because I feel like the kids are going to suffer for my sins. While life is not fair, they are innocent.
*I know that the whole thing is not my fault. I am just not in a spot to criticize H.
