I don't really think its 'confusion' per say ... just more an observation, I learned (ok uR is watching .... ) I am learning to stay out of that MLC noggin the best I can, not trying to figure her out nor what she is processing as honestly .. not my circus, not my monkeys.... I am just trying to steer clear of certain tents and worry about my own cages.
As far as her recalling what she has done and all that, given the current state of her memory thats a given, but its ok. Not everything needs to be rehashed and gone over, nor am I at a point anymore that I need closure on things she did/said. There are things however that are still 'out there' that I do feel should be talked about and dealt with ... but as the vets have said .. now is not that place of is this the time. I am sure it will come out someday, its nothing that has me stuck at the moment ... as currently I am in a pretty solid place to be honest.
It hit me today while I was walking around the facility. I am pretty darn blessed. Before all this hit the fan ... I was just stuck in a M, was not happy with the M, my job, my family was just 3 people in a house, I was all about work, DJing, and seemed always in a hurry. Now.... I really love my job, starting year 3 here this month and its been nothing but upside since I have come here. I have a decent group of friends, we play softball, football, and starting up a Fantasy football league. I have a buddy who I hired here, we just talked today about Harley rides on the weekends and meeting up to ride together to the softball games. My W is doing much better than this time last year ... she still has her journey to walk ... but I consider myself lucky to be at this point, to have that chance at the least.
Speaking of which ... forgot to add in my last post. So W has been all over the trip, planning and all that, she always loved to plan things like this ... she takes over and I would let her ... this time I never allowed her to just 'do it' .... she tested here and there wanting to stay an extra night at 'X' but I reminded her I initally planned this trip, was flexible in some areas but the whole point was time up near 'Y'. This lead to later in the day... she is still looking at properties ... if you all recall we got into it a few weeks ago about this her 'window shopping' places that were not in what I considered a 'safe' price range. And by that I mean if she loses or changes her job, (happened in 2009) I do not want to have to pull DJing 3 nights a week again to cover. My job I am at is paying much more than I used to make, we could buy a house in what I consider to be a moderate price range. So now she has been showing me places more along those lines. At this point I have nodded my head here and there, telling her this time I plan on using my VA loan (Just as I was going to do when we divorced) and told her VA will give us an approved list and from there we would have to figure things out but I told her I did not think we were 'there' just yet. She pressed on why I felt that way .. I just gave her 'the look' and she got a bit defensive and said "I told you I am committed to this, what else do I have to do?" ..... I STFU there but did think ... hmmmm rings on for starters, her FB page is still blocked and has her maiden name (Not important but bugs me, social media wise you would never have known we were married even before BD .... an issue for me but not high on the priority list) ..... I simply told her #1 she needs to be employed for a year before we can apply ... and well yeah .. #2 just 5 months ago we were scheduling D meetings my apologies for not feeling we are 'there' .... she took this well, I was a bit thrown I even had to explain it.
Anyways ... I am taking tomorrow off, Sick day .. use it or lose it ... figure an early check up, Harley ride ... and continue to move things into the garage.
