Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

I know from talking with & reading about other abuse survivors that it is incredibly painful and confusing. I also know I can't really know, as I haven't experienced it directly, so I don't want to diminish what you are feeling. Still, I want to answer some of your questions.

Is there something wrong with you? No. Absolutely. Not!!! Part of the reason abusers get away with it & the abused doesn't put a stop to it is largely a combination of brainwashing manipulation of the abuser & socialization by a culture that normalizes male privilege & aggression, female subordination and neediness and need to complete themselves by finding the appropriate man. Just think of all those stories in pop culture where women need to be rescued, are dependent, and are thankful that they have a strong, aggressive, domineering man who protects her from the other strong, aggressive, domineering, but not as nice man. Think about the role models in your parents & other relatives. What did they teach you about what the proper role of a woman is, especially about a good woman attends to the needs of her man. Even if intellectually you rejected that, it is almost certain you internalized some of that view.

The abuser exploits that socialization. The abuser is learns to get their needs met by manipulating the abused in a way that allows him to sustain that. This won't be the first abusive relationship he's been in, and very likely he learned at the knee of an established master. There is a lot of skill built up over time. The manipulation does re-wire neuropathways that contribute to the victim staying and struggling with all these confusing thoughts even after they've broken away. So, no it is not your fault.

Now does that mean that there isn't damage that needs to be addressed and healed? No. In a sense, there now is something that interferes with you leading a life of fulfilment and happiness. It is the lingering gift of the abuser. The good news is that the brain is surprisingly plastic, and those neuropathways can be rewired with therapy, the healthy support of others, and time.

So, give yourself a break on feeling confused & even a bit crazy. You aren't. You are recovering, and that will take work and time.

Be gentle on yourself and don't add self-blame to the pain you are already in.

And, thanks for all your help over on my thread. I appreciate it a lot.