Overall, I'm doing very well. There are ups and downs, but the lows aren't near what they were even a month ago. I can't imagine going back to how I felt...curled up in a ball, sick to my stomach all the time, crying at random times, sitting in my car at work just to get away and sulk...it's all just very even keel right now.
Looking at your first thread, BD was in April of this year? So you're 4 months post-BD? If so then you're doing well because believe it or not you are still quite early in your sitch. Keep at it!
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I'm struggling with empathy and validation. I've read the "cheat sheets", books, and watched some YouTube videos on the subject. I just am not getting it right.
It might help to post a sample exchange here so we can critique it. If you show us exactly what she is saying and how your are responding we can help you a lot more then if we don't know. Eventually after you're read enough and received enough input you will hear one of us sitting on your shoulder and whispering in your ear every time your W says something that requires validation, LOL!
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W has agreed to MC, which we will start next Monday. I'm both nervous and hopeful.
It's too early in your sitch for MC. She's going to use it to justify her actions. My ex and I went to MC too early, she sat with her arms crossed for two sessions, then at one point the MC said "well it sounds like a trial separation is the best course of action" and suddenly my ex thought MC was the greatest idea ever. "Yes, that's exactly what we need!!" It was perfect because the COUNSELOR suggested it, so it must be a good idea! This is what happens when you go too early. MC shouldn't be pursued for at least a year post-BD. I'm not saying not to go, but drop all your expectations. And if your W says she doesn't want to go anymore, then tell her that's fine and quit going. Your money would be WAY better spent with a DB counselor.
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She's happier alone in the house and spending alone time with D2.
She's not sure we're compatible.
She's not sure that she can trust me with finances, nor get over not being able to be a stay at home mom.
Read Sandi's rules every day. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Why? Because she's speaking from a place of turmoil and confusion right now. A lot of what she says will make no sense at all, just roll with it.
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She's hurt that I don't listen to her.
Work on that validation
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I want to focus on the future, show her my changes, and get things moving forward. She needs to talk about the past. It's her way of healing and she says that we need to talk more about it.
Unfortunately your needs don't matter to her right now. Set them aside. Focus on her needs. If she needs to talk then let her talk. But remember Sandi's rules. And remember to validate. The beauty of validation is that you don't need to agree/ disagree with anything she says, all you're doing is acknowledging her FEELINGS.
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It's so tough to talk about the past because I feel as though I've healed from it.
If you had healed from it then you wouldn't have cried. Crying is good and healthy, but try not to cry in front of her.
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The problem is I apparently SUCK at validation and empathy, so it makes it look like this is all about me, and I'm not listening to her.
The fact that you understand the dynamic means you are well-equipped to change the dynamic. Practice, practice, practice. Be patient with yourself None of us became an expert validator overnight. I've been validating my ex and now my GF and even my kids for years and I still slip up more than I would like. Validation is not easy for us dudes!
