She doesn't know about DB. I heard from a friend that she sees changes in me and that she is happy for the kids. I keep my book under my matress and I only use my phone for DB when I am home.
She has been treating me better but more like a friend than a husband. We have been working together to keep the kids in line. This is something she never let me do before. She used to criticize every decision I made regarding the kids. Sence I have been handling the money she hasn't complained about that either.
I guess we are getting along fine as long as we don't talk about the M
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
When I was learning to drive I spent a lot of time learning on the local roads, 40 mph or less. Eventually I drove well enough that my mom took me out on the highway. When I got on the highway I struggled. I was course correcting every second, looking down the hood at the road and trying to stay in the center. When I learned to look further on up the road and point the car there I became a better driver.
tdkmme, you have to change how your dealing with this situation. Stop daily talks about "us". Work on yourself and love those kids. Your kids are the glue holding your wife there. My wife said if it wasn't for them she would have been long gone. Love your children each and every day. Show them the man YOU want to be, the man that you are. Show them every day you are the one with your "stuff" together. The love you and your children share could create the extra gravity needed to pull you wife into orbit instead of her drifting away. If I am completely wrong you kids still have a great few years they will never forget.
Get your eyes off the hood, look up, pick your spot and drive the fricking car. If you do you may find your wife and kids are in the car with you.
That's a great way to put it. I just get hopeless sometimes. I really hope things get better. I pray all day every day for God to heal my broken home. Every one around us is hurting. I just don't know why she would choose to live this way.
I know if given the chance I could be a better more loving husband. I will get that chance but it may not be with my W.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
tkdmme, this is what I realized, THIS IS MY FRICKING CHANCE. It will not come in the future, it is now, this is what it looks like.
What YOU have to do is be the man you want to be. The vets here can help write the script and direct you but you and you alone have to act.
Remember you are doing this for you. You want to be the best tkdmme there is and this will not happen in one day. Just work on it right now, that's all there is.
Sorry if this seems harsh. I only want the best for you and your family.
She does not want to feel differently. She thinks it would be "giving in". She said a few months back that she is not going to force herself to have feelings for me again. Everyday is a trial.
On the bright side, I am getting better at focusing on my work. Also, I have regained my appetite. This is probably a bad thing because im actually down to my ideal weight.
This whole thing has turned my world upside down. I have always been a worrier and now I have really got something to worry about. My mind never leaves the situation totally although that is getting better too. Playing golf and getting out of the house is helping but I cant help but feel that im not doing something at home that she needs me to do.
I know that getting out helps me but I want to continue to work I have been doing on the house. I guess I need to find a healthy balance. Right now I think the best if for me to stay out as much as I can. This would limit our interactions and thus result in less tension at home. Any thoughts on how to balance GAL and life as a father. I have been including the kids in much of the GAL as I can.
I want to play golf today after work but im afraid she will see it as being an absent father. Lets be honest, I don't think she sees me as anything at the moment anyway. I probablp should just stay out of the house as much as I can.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
She does not want to feel differently. She thinks it would be "giving in".MINDREADING She said a few months back that she is not going to force herself to have feelings for me again. Everyday is a trial. As she shouldnt ... VAlidate here , feelings should never be forced.
On the bright side, I am getting better at focusing on my work. Also, I have regained my appetite. This is probably a bad thing because im actually down to my ideal weight.
This whole thing has turned my world upside down. I have always been a worrier and now I have really got something to worry about. My mind never leaves the situation totally although that is getting better too. Playing golf and getting out of the house is helping but I cant help but feel that im not doing something at home that she needs me to do.
I know that getting out helps me but I want to continue to work I have been doing on the house. I guess I need to find a healthy balance. Right now I think the best if for me to stay out as much as I can. This would limit our interactions and thus result in less tension at home. Any thoughts on how to balance GAL and life as a father. I have been including the kids in much of the GAL as I can. GAL is not just going out and doing things, its LIVING, I GAL'd just as much with my S as I did without him (shared custody at that time) We went fishing, kayaking, museums, movies, ... not sure how old your kids are but Geocaching is a blast ... S and I STILL do it.
I want to play golf today after work but im afraid she will see it as being an absent father. She fired you ... you can only CO-Parent ... at this point right .. you have to do YOUR own thing as she does Lets be honest, I don't think she sees me as anything at the moment anyway. I probablp should just stay out of the house as much as I can.
Caught up on your sitch a bit .. just wanted to toss a few things up on your wall and see if they make sense to you. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do but I am so thankful I was able to get through it.
First thing .. the drinking. I came from 2 alcoholic parents, Thing is ... sure you can drink and numb the pain, but I am telling you ... you will find DBing VERY hard as this takes ALL your wits ... heck even then we all backslide ... ad a shot here and a beer there .. dude you are not on the 'alert-5' ready to DB at a moments notice. YOUR Kids need you here ... your W might even need you. Trust me .. its a hard one to break but I would make that a BIG Goal to limit the amounts and the days I indulged.
Second .. you touched on it a bit ... about her not seeing you as a husband, not seeing you as anything ... I once had the same situation and a vet wisely told me .. better to be friend zoned over being placed in the A-hole husband zone .... that whole catching flies with honey thing .... most A's start off as what ?? Yup ... friends.
My advice .. continue GALing, more so with the kids ... you have to let her implode, hit bottom, she will have to truly figure out what she wants ... but there is little that can compare to a great father who is all about his kids.
Second .. you touched on it a bit ... about her not seeing you as a husband, not seeing you as anything ... I once had the same situation and a vet wisely told me .. better to be friend zoned over being placed in the A-hole husband zone .... that whole catching flies with honey thing .... most A's start off as what ?? Yup ... friends.
That's a very interesting thought, and I have considered it. I think that in a WAW sitch, being a friend isn't so bad. I agree 100% that a lot of A's start out as friendships. But if there is an OM involved, then I don't think you want to offer being friends, because that's exactly what most WWs want. You will be serving up that cake 24-7, while she asks you for money, favors, a shoulder to cry on, etc. All the while still happily hopping into bed with OM at the end of the day. I tried the friends thing with mine for a few weeks, and part of it was really nice, because we were having long phone calls, she started texting me all the time, and it felt like a good connection. But at the same time, she expected me to always put her needs ahead of my own, and would get upset when that didn't happen. Sandi has elaborated on this point a bunch in various threads, so I won't rehash but just FYI on the friends thing with a WW.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
By no means am I saying be her friend nor 'nice her' back to the M... what I was trying to say was its better SHE has you in the friend zone than in the A-hole zone ... when it comes to 'friends' I firmly believe that is a boundary best put into place by the LBS with a "I would never have a friend who treats me as you have/done what you have done, that is not a friend I have room in my life for" type response. Hence ... the LBH would never friend zone the WW/WAW, but during this it does seem common the WW/WAW tries to friend zone us, nothing we can do there but place that boundary ... what my goal was in the post was to illustrate its easier to handle the friend zone than it is to handle the A-hole husband zone. This is all done with the PMA and attitude of "Honey you fired me, and ya know what .. I will be just fine, good luck to you" approach.
We can not control HOW they behave right>? Only how WE react
I understand what both you are saying. At this point I fine if we can cohabitate without causing any more damage to the kids. I feel ok today and thanks to all of you, I have an idea of a plan. It just stinks. I know I will be fine but I worry bout the kids and the finances.
I also worry about her really sticking it to me if it comes to a divorce. I'm getting way to far ahead of myself. That's just what was in my mind at the moment.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
My friends tell me to get a lawyer and beat her to the punch. They are also trying to set me up with other women. I defiantly want nothing to do with another woman but I'm not sure about the lawyer stuff. Does it matter who files first? Is it worse for the one who waits?
I don't have alot of money but I make a good living. I make more than twice what she makes. I'm not greedy but I don't want to be living in a box.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
