legally separating

[asitis]

Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.

Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.

I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.

Yes they are underway. Yes OW is central in his life right now. Yes he is probably going through MLC. Yes he may push D along faster than it takes for him to come out of his fog & realize some things that might change his path. But you either decide you want to hang in there and do what you need to work on yourself and GAL or you do what he is, chase distractions that might give some short term relief to your suffering. That's the hard truth & no one is going to sugar coat it.

Let's say that he pushes divorce through faster than it takes for him to ride out his adventure. Nothing says you can't remarry if you both still want that. And, if you don't push him, he is likely going to be just fine riding his ride. If OW starts pushing him, that will likely blow up in her face, as he wants no real commitments I suspect. So, you just focus on you and let him worry about him for the time being. That gives you both the best chance to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and if that includes the other person still being a central part of your life.

All that said, I know the fear of having things pushed along and feeling like you are running out of time to DB things right. It [censored], and it really pushes you to do something. Something (other than detaching, GAL, boundaries, listen/validate, etc.) will likely make that speed up rather than slow down. There are times when a serious action is required to change a dynamic (going truly dark or last resort), but you are just getting yourself settled & learning the terrain. There is time. It is hard to allow yourself to not feel the urgency, but the whole thing is hard & you will grow from it.

Reach out to people in your support network when you feel like it is getting to be too much or the urge to initiate contact gets too strong.

Hang in there.