I'm afraid I may have found this site a little late, or a lot late. I'm off to church soon so don't have time to write the whole story. Long and short is my wife of 16 years dropped the bomb at the end of May and left with our 3 daughters. We had a great R and M for the vast most part. Last August we had our first real fight where I left for a few days. We went to counseling and worked it out. I took the counseling very seriously and worked hard on our M. I did a lot more around the house, told W I loved her, she was beautiful often, lots of nice little gifts all the time, checked in with her to make sure everything was OK. She was trying harder as well. Over time we both agreed our M was better and family life was much better. Fast forward to this last May, all that time without really even a disagreement and one morning we had a misunderstanding. W got upset and left for work, we didn't talk for a few days mostly due to a business trip. When I got back she dropped the bomb.
I did all the wrong things in hindsight. Told her we cant do this to our family and kids, what about finance, college, weddings, we need each other. Of course that pushed her away. It started out as maybe a trial separation but by now it is full blown and she is furious, wont even really talk to me. Her reasoning is we don't own our own house and when she looked at our investments it was no where near where she thought it should be although still significant.
Currently she is on a vacation for one month with our girls returning on Aug 30. I have not communicated with W at all but I have been skyping with girls every few days.
I need help! I love my wife dearly, am a totally dedicated family man, love my kids more than anything and now feel totally alone and helpless. I will post more details later. I thought I was in a loving relationship with a dedicated wife. She even wrote me a nice long email in April, 3 weeks before the bomb saying how she was sorry for neglecting me lately because she had medical problems and our daughter had bad medical probs as well, she went on to say how thankful she was for me and how I took care of everything and the other 2 kids while she was wrapped up in herself and our other daughter and how she loved me so much. Then the bomb. Is there anything I can do?
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
GAL! Read up on it, take action and start doing it! Believe me, it's hard, it's tough sometimes but GAL saved my life and many relationships come full circle.
I always liked the analogy of "A starved dog doesn't get fed". Now, think of it like this. You hear a scratch at your back door and there is an emancipated, pathetic dog standing there. What is your instinct to do? Now, similar situation except there is a beautiful, purebred dog standing there. Is your reaction going to be different?
Right now, begging, pleading, etc is making you look like the "starved dog". Show her that you can be the well-fed dog and watch how quickly things can change (for you and her).
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Yes, I can see that I am a starved dog. It really hurts because a few short weeks ago I was a thoroughbred that everyone loved, respected and in return looked after everyone with pride. I will get busy reading.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Hang in there Duke help is on its way. I am here just like you. There are good people here with solid advice. Just wanted to say hi and let you know your not alone.
Hi Duke. Welcome to our family. Sorry you are going through this experience. If you will read Divorce Remedy, it will encourage you and also give you the principles behind this board.
Quote:
Her reasoning is we don't own our own house and when she looked at our investments it was no where near where she thought it should be although still significant.
I've been around for a while, and have heard of various reasons, but I think this may be a new one. Although security is important to women, most of us can feel secure and not necessarily be a home owner. Some of us are not fortunate enough to have any investments. As a woman, I find it a little suspicious. Usually, when our emotional needs are being met by the man we love, we can deal with the other things. However, there's always room for the strange bird, I guess. Has she pushed and/or complained about this over the years?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow, thanks all. We both agreed that we had a great M and R together. Our kids are great. Even the disagreement that we had the week before the bomb she told me "please lets not do this (fight), things have been going so great... please". I left for my 3 day biz trip, came back and things were very strange. We texted back and forth and next thing I knew I got the "why don't we separate text". She definitely has not been the same wife I have always enjoyed for about the last year. Last August we had a disagreement and she seemed very impatient and short with it. We ended up in counseling for a couple weeks and got back together. After that she had a very continued stressful year. She had a bad gallbladder emergency surgery with a large scar, our daughter had many serious issues, concussions, stomach infections, tonsils infected and removed... lots of stress for my wife all year and then this. I found out she has been taking anti depressants/anxiety pills for at least the last year. Also, she is at the pre-menopause years (45).
She sent me a nice "sorry" email about 3 weeks before the bomb as well saying how sorry she was for neglecting me lately, how she was so wrapped up with he issues and daughters issues and that she felt bad and would make it up to me. Of course, I told her that is what I am there for, to back her up when she needs me. She really appreciated that.
I just want my old loving wife back. I will do anything.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
W has told me and several others (her mom, friends) that no house owned for 16 years, investments no where near where she thought they should be are the reasons - security.
She hit her limit for waiting. We did discuss it regularly and it was clear that is what she wanted but she didn't push it too hard. She seemed on board with our lifestyle choice.
She added a few other reasons such as when we fight (which was very rarely, every 1.5 to 2 years) that I would get withdrawn and not talk. That drove her nuts. I would explain that it was better than fighting in front of the kids. We worked out a plan that I would say what was bothering me and ask for a few hours to be quiet and then we would discuss when we were both calm.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
