As I think more about my sitch and the long, sorted history of WW, I really wonder if there is any chance we could ever be a complete family again. I mean, the trouble started almost 5 years ago, with what I now know to be the very first OM, in spite of her repeated denials. Since then, it has been a series of affairs, at least 4 OM that I can confirm, and possibly more I don't know about.
Woah! Well it is always possible, it's your choice when you want to quit standing, not hers. You can never have the same relationship you had before and you shouldn't seek that, your goal is a new relationship with a new you and new her. But 4 OM's, wow. It sounds like she has a lot of work to do to sort through why that is going on.
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I just don't know if she will ever get better, at least not w/o some very serious professional help.
I agree.
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I'm really starting to wonder if I should throw in the towel, file, and just move on.
That option is there whenever you choose to pursue it. I think 5 months is too soon for that though, you're still going through a lot emotionally and pursuing D will absolutely not make all the hurt and pain go away, it will probably make it worse. Wait until you feel like your emotions have stabilized and you're strong enough to move forward before making that decision. I would think it would take at least a year post-BD. For me it was even longer than that.
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Found out from S18 that WW had filled out an employment application, but for whatever reason didn't want me to know. WTF? No idea why she wouldn't want me to know about that.
This is your new reality, get used to it! WAS's are extremely secretive about all things great and small. I think it's their way of separating themselves from the LBS.
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I'm not telling her about my recent offer either, at least not until the last minute. Probably wouldn't mention it at all, except for the fact of the kids being home alone for a couple of hours after school each day.
Don't do things like this, be the better person. Let her play her games, you be the best you can be. If this affects the kids and your W's schedule, don't wait and spring it on her at the last minute (even though she might do that to you).
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I go back and forth every day lately about how long I need to hold out before filing. I had initially set a deadline of next April but I don't know if I can wait that long. Right now, think I'm leaning more towards late January, and see if there are any indications of regret or change. That will get us through our first major holiday season apart, and give a taste of what life is going to be like from now on at that time of year. After filing, it's still another 6 months before everything is final, which would put me at around 15 months separated.
That seems like a more realistic schedule, in your previous post I thought you meant you were thinking about pursuing it ASAP.
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I feel like I'm still fairly young, and while I'm not in a huge rush to run out and find another woman, I just can't imagine going like this for 2 or 3 years and not even dating.
I started dating a couple years post-BD and looking back I think I still should have waited longer. I wasn't ready even though I thought I was, and I ended up in some messy relationships because of it.
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Guess I've got plenty of time to decide though.
You do indeed. I think we all feel rushed, we're not as young as we once were and we feel like we need to jump into a new relationship right away to fill that void in our life. But first we need to learn to be happy ALONE before we can be happy with someone else. And we have much more time than we realize, there's no hurry.
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I want her to see me as a husband, not a gay boyfriend.
Actually that wouldn't be a bad thing. Usually it's referred to here as a "friendly neighbor" rather than gay boyfriend, but same concept. You should just try to be someone she feels like she can talk to and confide in without there being pressure for a relationship. Often that's how broken-up couples start falling in love again, they give up trying to work on their relationship and find comfort in just being friends. Then it grows from there.
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Maybe somewhere down the road, say another 2-3 years and everyone has fully moved on, I could be that friend.
It's been 3 years for me and really my ex and I only recently started talking more like friends rather than co-parents. So it can take a while!
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Still hard to imagine that this is how it's going to be the rest of my life.
Life is very, very unpredictable. None of us knows what the future holds. That can be frustrating when dealing with a WAS (we all just want to know "the ending" so we can plan accordingly, right?) But it can also be exciting. I really thought my life was over after BD. After all, I was 51, it wasn't like I could start over again. But now I realize it's not about starting over, it's about building a new life in whatever way, shape or form you want it to be. You want to sit at home and build models? Do it. You want to find a young, sexy girlfriend? Do it. You want to settle down with an older woman? Ride motorcycles? Skydive? Be a bodybuilder? Combo of the above? Well you get the point, you get to write your own future. You have all the power, you just haven't realized it yet. You're still codependent on your W, but you'll learn to break the bonds and regain the sexy, independent, confident man you once were
