Just thought I would journal a bit. Things have been settling down some ... the Tuesday backslide was talked out little by little throughout the week, honestly I felt better after the blow up .. as uR said .. its a steam relaease thing. Knowing this, and realizing it only is destructive to the work being put in I did address it ... our hmwk .. we have a question we write on, I chose to write on "How do I handle things that you do which upset me, what can I do differently" ... .I described to W what I went through (to a point .. taking some things out) but more so that things will get to me and when this happens, rather than to have it out, I need to blow off some steam, I will tell her politely that I need to go walk, run, or maybe a Bike ride and IF I am still upset after that, we can set up a time and discuss the issue civilly without the high emotions ... thinking about this ... I should have thought about it earlier as many things I would be over if I just got out and ran them off vs getting all worked up. She liked the idea and thanked me for figuring out a solution.
As far as the M goes. Its strange ... feels like I woke up from a horrible dream that lasted 3 years ... W shows more and more of her former self, playful, sassy .. all those things I loved about her. I had pulled back a bit the past week as I catch myself still pursuing a little .... and as predicted she comes closer. Strange how this push pull dance was always there and I was so very blind to it.
Saturday we went to a movie as a family, had a great time, did a nice lunch, finalized our vacation plans... its been hot here so anything to get in AC we were all about it. During the day there were a few triggers for me, biggest one was a song "I'm not the only one" by Sam Smith .... I swear written for a LBS... I was just listening to the lyrics in my own world ... W grabbed my hand and squeezed it... I came back to earth and flipped the channel. I handled it well but they were still on my mind a bit. That night trying to go to sleep in our bed it came back and hit me ... the A, a couple visuals .. then realizing those sheets are the very ones that were on the bed all the sudden it felt like I was sleeping on dirty potato chips.... a good deal of spinning .. I decided to go sleep on the couch. W woke me in the morning, asking why I was on the couch. We talked about it a bit ... she actually brought it up ... this time pretty understanding as I told her sometimes I just get hit with a wave of thoughts and its tough to shake, then shared my potato chip feeling .. even laughed about it. I was not upset nor angry .. nor did I want to dwell on it ... so I took her and S out to breakfast, an old diner we always used to frequent.
Later that day, I had Softball practice, rode the Harley .. GAL still in full swing, felt good to play, was a great day to ride. Came home ... showered and went to the store. W wanted to run errands and S and I were going to hang out ... she ended up wanting to stay as it was to hot for her. We ate dinner as a family .... this has been a wonderful change, no TV, phones, iPads ... W and I went for a long walk in the evening. Later that night we started our 3rd book we read with S, this one is a big one. We each take a turn reading a page or two ... while S was reading I caught W staring at me ... she used sign language telling me she Loved us 3 all there reading together.... then a ILY sign. W fell asleep ..I put S down and slept on the couch ... its cooler in the living room and I did not want those potato chips on me. W woke me up again ... telling me she was going to get new sheets today.
This ILY stuff, its strange. for 2+ years this woman hated me and was quick to let me know how much. Now ... ILY's are frequent almost to the point its not comfortable, the pet names .. 'babe' 'honey' ...Funny I have heard her say them but had to ask "what did you call me" ... laughing as she asks if its ok and me replying .. "Its better than a few names you've tossed at me" .... this used to just be the way we were, but now I feel like its a movie, I check myself and think ... wait .. the past 2-3 years happened right? I mean just as fast as she turned into an alien .... she has come back. There are some differences .. big ones here and there but none that I would not accept so far. I also seem to have calmed down this week ... less anxiety about the old M, even with the bed and the sheets, its not something I am worked up over.
So countdown is currently at 12 days and this guy goes on vacation ..California Redwoods.. its been some time and I am really excited about it, always wanted to go up there and check em out .... bought a GoPro ... should be fun (Would be better if I brought the Harley .. lol)
