Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[DifRent]

Had a great time with the family - all my siblings and in-laws and nieces and nephews were there. The only two people missing were my older son, who had to work, and my W - who said she couldn't come because she had to work, as if there weren't a dozen other reasons she was choosing not to come. I posted a video on FB and my mom commented, tagging them both, saying they were greatly missed.

I know my W is convinced that her current superficial life is better than what we ever had, but I'm sure she saw the real love and the warmth she was missing out on, and some part of that had to touch her somewhere she can't acknowledge or won't admit. I only thought about that after the fact, though. It really was a good day where she didn't cross my mind much, though I did think of her often on the drive home, and how much I miss what we used to have.

I got home late this morning to find her car in the driveway, and she was still in it, on the phone. I walked in past her to the bedroom, she came in and went up to the office. She called for me at one point and I didn't answer, then she got on the phone. I decided to leave and come work at the cafe down the street, just wasn't in the mood for either a superficially friendly chat with the same old lame old questions she always asks, or for her to tell me how awesomely busy she is with her business that I all but got off the ground for her, or for her to try and goad me into a confrontation about how I'm just not right for her.

I wish I knew when she was leaving. I'd like to work from my home this afternoon.

[Wonka]

Diff,

Glad to read that you had an awesome time with your family. Well done!

As for your W, she's on her own journey whether you like it or not. Maybe try something different when W says you're not right for her, simply say, "Yeah, you got that right...I am not right for you. You want to be with someone who calls our kids "tenants." Sure, go right ahead with that "right" woman. I know my worth and I know for a fact that I am miles and miles better than her. You can have her."

[DifRent]

Wonka, that's classic! I'll do my best to keep that one in mind next time she brings it up.

I decided to come home and whew, she's not here. But as soon as I got settled, guess who called? I didn't answer for the same reasons I left for the cafe in the first place. Her message was along the lines of, "sorry I was on the phone while you were at the house, this is a difficult transaction, I didn't know you left, so I wanted to make sure that you know I was there and wanted to say hi and talk and catch up, anyways, give me a call and we can talk."

I don't want to overthink this - don't want to think about it at all, really. But it's rude if I don't respond, and also out of character game playing stuff. If I do respond, I feel like I'm feeding her cake and giving her just enough of that contact she wants from me, for whatever temp checking reason her MLC mind has.

Should I start to think about going dark? We're in such a strange limbo - she's half moved her stuff out and 90% moved herself out. I'm still here, but it's still her house and she comes by several times a week to work, whether I'm here or not. One toe still in the door. Until I'm firmly in a place she won't ever set foot, I have to figure out how to navigate this in a way that helps my PMA and lets her deal 100% with the consequences of her decisions while feeling the loss of whatever it is she still wants from me.

I'm just not sure how to do this. I'd really like the next moves to be the right ones.

[HeavyD]

Question Diff

As it is her house, are you paying her rent or utilities?

If not, do you plan to? If so, then you could have a rental agreement in place and that means she can't come into your place anytime she wants, just as a landlord does not have the right to come into a tenants place at will.

If you are not paying any rent, then I am afraid yes, she can come and go at her choosing. That would annoy the crud out of me.

Are you still planning on moving out?

[DifRent]

Heavy, depending on the expense, either she is paying or we are paying things together still from our joint account, I'm not paying her anything directly. It's all just like before. Even if I were paying rent, I'm not really interested in an agreement that keeps her out, to be honest. While it's annoying and awkward to be in the same space, especially when I'm not expecting it, a tenant agreement would feel unnecessarily cold and adversarial at this point to me.

I do plan to move out - first week of October. Have to wait that long because it's one of our rentals, and that's when the current tenants will be out. I don't want to be there long, though... been looking hard for a building lot to put down my tiny house. Not easy to find, though!

[DifRent]

So, I called her back just now. Stayed detached and fairly quiet while she talked for about 20 minutes - her asking about the family, the boys, when is S18 getting his license - and worrying from the video she saw online about whether he is gaining weight, when can we move S20 to his own car insurance, does my mom know everything yet about us not being together, called me "hon," told me about her crazy transaction today, asked whether or not we need to get a quick pass for the toll roads around here... she sounded down, soft spoken, exhausted actually. Not like her at all.

And then, this amused me (as I read elsewhere on the boards today about the confusion our spouses sow): I got this lament about how she's just not "financially in the position right now" to do the things she's "always done to take care" of us (spoken not long after I explained a very smart way our sons are taking care of themselves financially), and "we" need to be saving money as much as possible...

...and by the way, did I need anything?

I said, "Like what?"

She said, "Do you need money for groceries? How much is in our joint household expense account?"

I told her not to worry about it, but she continued to insist upon worrying about it, just moments after telling me she can't financially "support us" anymore, and went ahead and made a deposit anyway while we were on the phone. I couldn't help but laugh, but I did so silently.

Did she do this because she feels guilty? Because doing this sort of thing maintains some sort of connection? Is it a caretaking thing she can't quite let go of yet?

Who knows. Midlife crisis.

There was a lot of silence on the phone, like she didn't want to hang up. But I finally said, "Well, I appreciate the call and your checking in and everything. I hope you have a peaceful evening, talk to you later."

Could've gone worse. But I don't know what any of it meant. The journey continues...

[HeavyD]

Spoken like a truly confused MLCer.

Talking to them and expecting them to be rational is out of the question. Its like talking to a puff of smoke.

But it does sound good that she still wants to support the family financially. I take that as a good sign. Is her love language caring for others?

[CaliGuy]

Diff

Well done ... yeah she is starting to crack a bit I think. Its all sinking in along with the fact that all the things she has done to this point have not given her that happiness she was so certain it would. She still is sharing things with you, this is a good sign, and you did perfectly by cutting that call off on your terms and going about your business. Be patient as you have ... continue to sharpen your DB tools. Baby Steps ... small but positive baby steps.

[DifRent]

Heavy - Her primary love language is touch, but service is right behind it. Wanting to "take care" of us is my real W. While her flip/flop made me laugh for several reasons, the fact is, the woman who wanted to put money in our account is the real her. She loved feeling responsible for all of us, even though we were both responsible, of course. Definitely a good sign.

Cali - yes, she's much more eager to share things with me than I am to share anything with her, and I agree that's another good sign. I know I can be patient. Wanted to share a story here with you and Heavy about how much I know prayer and fasting work, and how trusting in God's timing rather than our own preconceived notions of timetables is what's important.

Last year, W was running a bank based in Kabul, and the Taliban was wreaking some serious havoc in the early part of the year - taking hostages in guest houses, setting bombs all along the roadsides, and mowing people down in Western styled hotels and restaurants. This was a very stressful time for both of us, but probably even moreso for me, being so far away and feeling so helpless. She was literally living in a bunker, and sometimes, she had to go hide out in the safe room, even in the midst of a Skype conversation.

So I decided to pray for God to get her out of Afghanistan somehow, and I prayed through fasting - nothing but water, for 21 days. Counting ahead, I saw it just so happened that the 21st day was April 4, the day of the presidential elections over there, and I felt compelled to pray and to fast for that long. Everyone, including my W, thought I was crazy and asked me not to, but I got started.

After the first day I was never hungry, but by about day 7, I was feeling quite weak. I worked from home, so it was okay, I would just sit on sofa with my laptop and refrained from going up the stairs. On day 10, I had to take the car to the shop, and while I waited for them to finish, I walked slowly around the shopping center. At one point, I just got this overwhelming sense - you know when God wants to make something very clear to you? - that I was to end the fast. I was disappointed, but said, "Okay God, I really wanted to make it to election day. But I'll break the fast if that's what you want."

I came home, cut a small slice of watermelon, and called my W on Skype. "Look," I said. "I feel called to break the fast. I know this will make you happy."

(Made me happy, too, to be honest. Watermelon never tasted so good!!!)

"Thank God," she said. "And guess what! I just got out of our board meeting, and they decided things are bad enough that they are going to evacuate me first thing in the morning."

Yep. That board meeting was happening right when I got the message to break the fast. Gave me chills.

My mom - her godmother - is such a saintly woman. At Mass yesterday morning, she was crying after communion - and I know why. It was for my W. We talked about all this last night for a while, and she just said with such conviction, "I know this isn't going to last. I know she will come out of this. I just know she will. God did not bring her this far, right to her long awaited baptism, for her to throw it all away. We just need to keep praying."

Well, that's not necessarily part of the DBing strategy, but prayer is powerful. Tomorrow, I am starting with a group of people around the world a St Monica novena, and fasting again - with my job, I can't do a water fast, but I will do a juice fast for the length of the novena, which ends - again, not on a day I had planned for - on Mother Teresa's birthday, my W's fellow Albanian and patron saint.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It was good to remember in writing the power of prayer. Saying a prayer of thanks for all the good people on these boards, and prayers for peace for your spouses, too.

[PigPen]

Oh my lord Dif, 21 days with just water?! That's crazy. Your faith is extraordinary btw, it's something I don't have personally but find so admirable in people that do. I can tell a ton of similar stories though, although not as dramatic that have left me not believing in coincidence any more.

Sounds like your W is still a bit of a tornado while you're being the rock that sits outside of it. How tough to watch all of this still unfold and know that it has to run its course before you have a chance to do the real work of putting it all back together.

Keep being that rock. Keep relying on your faith to pull you through this trial, I have faith in you and your strength.

Big hug,

PP