Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Just checking in. I've been busy getting my place together. Job hunting. Running around with the kids--luckily I have my d12 for 2 weeks straight due to a prior commitment out by my parents. So I haven't really been living in my new place consistently because I am back and forth between my parents home and mine so much.

I still have very little furniture and home feels more like hotel living for the three of us then home.

And then something happens that reminds me that this is my new life. Not just temporary. And reminders that my old life still is going to play a big part of it slaps me in the face. For example, last night S13 and I went to the local pizza place and ran into a former teacher of his who is also a coworker of H. And I started reading into her reaction to me with all of the questions running through my head. Does she know? What does she know? What does she think? All of those stupid insecurities that come to mind as I try to figure out my new role in that community.

Through the years I was first and foremost faculty wife, then parent, resident and briefly employee. But I always represented myself more as faculty wife. I am relieved to be out of the bubble, but I will never be completely out until the kids graduate--or if for some reason they end up not being able to go to the school anymore.

I also was invited to a party through parents of my daughter's friend. Not faculty related. Just parents. And I had a great time. I was surprised. I didn't want to go. I didn't know how I was supposed to be now that I am no longer faculty wife. So I allowed myself to just be myself and it was the best thing I ever did. I think I might be able to survive this without having to hide from school related engagements. If anything, maybe I will do less hiding now. I don't have to play by anyone's rules but my own at this point. It is freeing and terrifying all at the same time. But I am realizing that people respond to me better when I am just me, rather than H's wife. Maybe part of it was that he didn't have a great reputation among many.

I went out with a friend who is also a faculty wife/parent, and she commented on how people were saying that I look like I'm free now, and how H was holding me back. Now I am shining. That is good to hear, especially on days like today when I am feeling kind of lost and sad. Last night I dreamed that H and I were having a nice, comfortable moment and I started begging him to tell OW that he wants to be with me and he is done with her. He played along, but when he got on the phone with her he wasn't saying what I wanted him to say. He was leaving options open, which made me feel more desperate. I woke up in tears. Missing him. Then remembering the awful things he has done the past few months and I was horrified all over again and glad to be out of that life.

The loneliness is tough though. I ended up going on a few dates with someone I met who lives out near my parents. He is nice and funny and we know a lot of the same people. But I feel like he was trying to move things too fast. And this loneliness I think is causing me to send mixed messages. I want the companionship and attention, but not the responsibility for someone else's feelings. And my normal MO is to start feeling responsible and end up getting caught up in something way too quickly--more out of obligation and security rather than because it is right for me. I would like to be able to date, but I don't know how to do it without feeling obligated to commit. It's almost like I was let out of one cage only to crawl into another. I talked to my therapist about it and will continue to explore how I can manage that.

I do like who I am when I am just me. Not someone's something--wife, girlfriend, SO, you name it. I can be a bit head in the clouds and eccentric, which is why I think I always tended to anchor myself to someone really quickly. To keep from flying away. And for some reason the men I meet always seem to want to tether me. I just wonder why I always let them. I feel it starting to happen with this person I met. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings, but I am no where in the same vicinity of where he is in what I want from this. I want to date--but not just one person. I don't want any talks of the future. I don't want an obligation. When I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and then I feel bad--but I also don't know if I am being totally clear. I say one thing, then do another. I really have a lot of work to do on me.

It's funny how men and women respond differently to my news that I am getting divorced. Both talk about how I am going to be ok, and better off, but they describe it differently. For women they respond by saying, "you are free. You will show him by taking advantage of everything life has to offer." Men say, "You are a young and beautiful woman. You'll find someone else soon." It is so funny how women see getting divorced as a chance to be free, and men see it as a chance to find someone new.

I think I prefer to be free--until I feel a little lonely. It's nice to have familiar arms to count on for physical affection, but not at the cost of my freedom. I have to learn how to be me--to like me--and to never ever let anyone stifle me ever again. That could take the rest of my life. LOL

So even though I have been a bit sad the past couple of days, for the most part life is getting much better. I put on 10 pounds since being removed from my home. I think that it is mostly happy pounds. The overwhelming stress that kept me from eating is over. Plus being with my parents meant an endless stream of food and wine. I thought that being in my own place would ease up on that a bit, but I started counting calories again I realize that I am doing some binge eating--so there is still some stress it is just having the opposite effect as before. I would like to lose at least 5 of the pounds I regained, or at the very least not gain anymore--so I am trying to stay on top of it by logging it into My Fitness Pal.

WEll, that was some long update. Catch up with you all later.