I am sorry it took me so long to drop a word for you. Been is a huge D mess myself. Well, all what I can say is that we find we are like department store.
We cry because we are very, very sad and hurt. We feel relieved because it gives us closure. We feel weak because we miss this bastard that is also blind. We feel brave and encouraged because we are strong and awesome.
So it is a bit of everything boiling in a big pan. At this point until it is actually done, there will be no good or bad, right or wrong, sad or happy.
As by my own experience now, the emotions will play the big game and we betray ourselves pretty often. We think tomorrow will be a sad day and then it just happen we felt quite good, and vice-versa.
Your H is a big stupid like mine and many others mentioned in this board. I have been like an Yo-Yo and it did not make a difference or gave me any advantage or resolved anything. All what I had was a year of great pain, what is inevitable.
D may be what he needs to really feel his losses and wake up one morning and do not smell any coffee, just his own stinky.
My XH is worse now then he was before the D, his words have been changing and he is now contemplating his craziness and a huge mess. He is miserable because his big dreams became bitter shots of reality.
Not to sound too mean but: I cried a lot for a long time, but have been educating myself, becoming a better person and realizing that I can do a lot in my future. XH has been all butterflies, smiling and making plans for a bright future, feeling like he was the king of the world, working on his affair and all his plans of divorcing me. Now he is all tears, his R is ending and he is lost, not to say that very broke too.
Now, I may have second thoughts if I want this broken crying baby guy that can't stand for himself... leaves me to think he won't ever stand for my family or for me.
I would just suggest that you just let your emotions flow and cry when you want to, scream, be angry, be happy, be... just be you and don't hold back on any kind of emotion. It will help you to get through this hard time.
It's hard sweetie, very, very hard, but it will get better and you will survive and strive for a better future. Your H will do what he needs to with his life to just find out that he is more miserable then before.
Maybe he will write "Memoirs of a dysfunctional man" by a guy that does not know how to be a H (2nd M done), is not the best dad, and is always looking for Happiness from others instead of his own self.
BELIEVE...it is hard for the time being and dealing with all the paperwork, but it gradually gets better. When it is all done you will start feeling some weird feeling of self worthy and it is great.
Love you lots and as V said, I also learned to care a lot for you. I will hold my heart close to you, wishing you the strength you need to move forward.
