Ok, so that was a weekend from hell.

So much for all my detaching. My W was nice but very distant. I picked her up from the airport, had dinner and drove her to pickup the kids from my parent's house. We did that, and then took them to our house. It really hit me when she asked if I had everything I needed to sleep on the couch. I felt horrible, like a stranger in my own home. How far away I felt. She was in great spirits, looked amazing, and was more confident and independent than she's ever been. She's really detached from me. I hurts a lot, but she seems healthier than I've ever seen her so I feel good about that.

We hung out as a family. I was dieing inside the whole time, while trying to be upbeat. W and I took a few walks together. Chatted, but she was distant. We made dinner together and spent time with the kids. She seemed a bit depressed, distant. She is shut down with me and not really sharing her feelings like she used to. I did my best to be positive and fun, but I was really a lot more quiet than I normally would be. I feel boring in some was because I am spending so much time internally working on myself that I don't have much to talk about. Whatever.

I guess I had some stupid hope that all that distance would make a change in her heart. But it didn't. Hope lost. But I have to buckle down and start pushing through it again. I have to let her go. Detach. I can't LRT because of the kids. They need me in their lives. I only had one slip up yesterday while we were walking. I had messed up my ankle last week and was having some trouble keeping up. She asked if I wanted to go back and said that I hadn't seen her in a long time and I'd keep walking with her even if it was broken. She smiled, but that was dumb. On some level I want to tell the truth, a watered down version of it, i.e. not letting her know that I miss her every day all day. It was a mistake. But whatever. I'm human.

Heart is aching today, but I gotta push on. I miss my kids. My life [censored] and if feels hopeless, but here I am. Gotta keep becoming that new man I always wanted to be. Wish me luck guys.


M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids
7/14 ILYBINILWY
8/14 Takes off rings
5/15 OM, S
PA 8/15
10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation.
11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?