Eric - That's s ton to take in up there, so I'm not going to give any advice now. I just wanted to stop in and say that just because you backtracked yesterday doesn't mean it's "over" and it doesn't mean you can't do better today.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to it.
Sandi - I am so confused right now, that I believe I need to just keep my mouth shut for a day or two. I forced her hand last night and suggested she leave if she isn't gappy, doesn't want to try to make things better, doesn't love me. I told her to go live with her mom or one if her girlfriends. She thought I should be the one to leave. I told her I am not the one searching for happiness. I told her leave and go find it. I stated previously that I thought she was pushing my buttons, trying her hardest to hurt me, and that she was trying to get me to blow up. She was successful. I knew better. I guess the positives from this are that my gut feeling was right. I am sick to my stomach because I know she truly doesn't love me and wants to leave. I think she is building up power within herself, from her friends and family, to leave to be "happy". I believe the time and space I am giving her is time and space for her to develop a exit plan. She has shown no signs of wanting us to work. I am so lost. I don't want a D. I love my W.
Eric - Based on your last post that can up just at the same time as mine, I want to give some more thoughts.
The one thing I didn't realize with this process is that while we all come here thinking that our spouses have shut us out kinda light flipping a light switch off, it isn't really like that. They've been on an emotional dimmer switch for years and we just looked up and noticed how dark it is. With that said, you can't just "turn the lights back on". It will take tons of time and effort to get the lights back up - typically months or years. It took 18 years to get to this point - you aren't going to turn it around in an 18 minute conversation.
So breathe. Try to relax a little. Then it's time to roll up your sleeves and get to work.
Do you think she is going to leave or just thinking about it?
If you cool your jets for a while do you think she may stay in the home?
What kind of emotional environment will she need to stay and you need to function?
Stabilizing the family unit right now seems to be a good first step. The kids and you two deserve it. It is hard to stand on a rolling deck in a storm, turn you ship into the wind and head for a safe harbor Captain.
Thank you all so very much! I truly appreciate the support. I feel so lost. I am stressed and need to stop myself. I do feel like my own worst enemy because I am out of control with my emotions. Do I apologize to her for last night? I said things that I don't really want - like leave if you are not happy here. I know she is hurting. I don't know if there is another man. I do believe she is not in love me with me. I do believe people can fall back in love. I do not want to give up. I don't know if she will now leave. I tried to get her to explain herself. I tried to get her to tell me what I have done that is so terrible that it is not worth fixing. She replied "I can't pinpoint anything. I just feel we are done. She said I don't give her the warm fuzzy feelings anymore. This made me think that someone is giving her those feelings. I asked her if the reel was another man. She said no (I don't know if I believe her). I asked to see her phone to see who she was texting. She said she is not showing me her phone. I told her she can look through mine because I have nothing to hide. She said she doeant want to look at mine. She came close to leaving to go to her moms house. The kids and I were crying and asked her to stay. She decided to stay, but I dont know what she will ultimately do. She had previously asked me to leave and I told her that will not help us. To me, separating will be a step closer to D. I will worry that she is with another. I worry that she will find that she is happier without me. I am insecure right now. I broke rules and pleaded that love is not constant in a long term marriage and that it ebbs and flows. That we can learn to communicate better and we can learn to love again. I truly feel we can come out stronger. I know what changes I need to make. I am struggling though.
