Just had my W stop by to pick up Woofie and chat with me for a bit. It might not be DB'ing but I thought about it all night and told her that I wanted to address the "trust issue" in the conversation yesterday.
So I told her I was reading Nonviolent Communication and that I had missed an opportunity the day before by replying that I did trust her when she said I didn't. She agreed and told me that when I laughed at her she felt like I didn't see her, or hear her, and completely negated her feelings. I apologized and asked how I can show her that I trust her since I actually do. Her reply was that I should believe her even though what she's saying may not make sense to me.
I tried to validate that by saying that I understood that what she had told me was how she felt and therefor it was real to her. (I didn't add again that it seemed convoluted to me that I may be denied access to my dog due to his "spiritual needs". He eats poop btw, that's how freakin spiritual he is. HE EATS POOP.)
Curious if anyone has a thought on this as she told me numerous times in our M that she wanted to be with someone that would call her on her BS. Where's the balance between honestly saying, "I think your BS'ing us" and negating someone's feelings? I thought I was calling BS yesterday as it truly seemed preposterous to speak of a dog's spiritual needs, but it really did upset her that I laughed.
She told me that she was actually happy with how the conversation went the day before and how it was unlike when we used to have to tackle tough subjects. She then went on to tell me how amazing her new life was, how rich it was with people and social activities. That was painful as I was constantly trying to get her to do things with me and our community when we were M, but she was always too tired or wasn't interested. Nothing I can do but be happy that she's enjoying her life and is doing a better job at GAL'ing than I am.
We had a few moments that I don't think I'm reading into where there was chemistry still, her asking what I was looking at when she was talking - I was just looking into her eyes etc. I don't think she's used to the me clearly and openly just looking into her eyes when she talks.
I gave her a big hug goodbye and felt something was amiss so asked, "Are you holding your breath?" and we both laughed because for some reason she was. Not sure why, but it was a good end note.
I'm taking all of this for what it is - nothing. She's happy in her life and is still planning on D'ing me. She still may have some feelings or attraction but they aren't swaying her from her path. So my path will continue and I'll do my best to make sure that I make the most of the interactions we have moving forward with our holy dog.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Oh PP. I'm literally laughing and crying at the same time. I totally get the spiritual malarkey. I love my dogs and they are incredibly special to me....but spiritual? NO. I started crying at your description of how it meant nothing, but another instance to be the lighthouse. It's like my H making me my favorite meal the other night. It was sweet, but it meant nothing as I know he's still thinking divorce.
Have a peaceful night and know you are in my prayers.
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Ah the DB journey. Just had a buddy send me a TM that he was upset with me over me not wanting to spend time with him tonight. We had dinner plans but I backed out at the last minute after feeling like (censoredO after my W and Woofie left.
I immediately wrote half of a "WTF? You knew my W was coming to town this weekend and I just needed to spend some time by myself afterwards" text but then remembered Mr. Bond telling Ithurts that you DB everyone or you don't really make changes to who you are.
Came on here and hopped on Wonka's validation thread and wrote him back how I understood that we had planned to hang out and that I could see from his perspective like it looked like I flaked. Then asked him what bothered him the most about it. Seems weird to DB a male, but lessons are being learned. Hopefully all will be well.
Thanks Mr. Bond and Wonka.
It's so hard to change our initial reactions.
Last edited by PigPen; 08/17/1504:59 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I believe in my heart that our M could be the greatest place for us both to heal old wounds, and live out our lives with a partner that is seeking the same type of life.
Been thinking a lot about this kind of thing lately. Why can't it be so easy as saying "I understand your needs now and I have the tools to meet them. All I need is one more chance and we can do this together."
Then I thought about it like this. IF I have a 10 AM flight, I'll think I have plenty of time. I'll sleep in, shower, get breakfast, but maybe there's traffic, and I can find a spot and the security line's long, and I show up at 10 and the flight is gone. I can't just say to the gate agent "I understand I should have been earlier, let's try it again." All there is to do is make the best of it and learn for next time.
Hey PP, catching up on your sitch. So happy you got to spend time with your dog, and feeling your pain regarding your W.
Is she really happy? She's building a new and good life with appropriate detachment from all that was wrong with your M, and that's positive, as much as it hurts when the regret for what you could've done sets in. And you've made just some incredible changes. But she's still conflicted, still loves you, still misses you. I also think there's possibly more to your story together, as long as you continue to DB, grow, and become the man she's always wanted - but more importantly, the man you're meant to be.
It's harder, I can see, when you've made such progress with the detachment and taking care of you, to have encounters like these that fill you with regret and hope all at once. Makes things come crashing back in waves. I will keep praying for you. You're going to be fine no matter what. Hugs, Dif
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
-You got to see Woofie for the first time -W walked in the house and sat on the sofa -W talked with you for over an hour -W said things that were informative and you should file away in the back of your mind -Remember to believe 50% of what they say
I only have to mention Thornton's name to remind you that his W wasn't really happy apart from him and she tearfully told him that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be on the other side of the fence.
Bid your time and all will come out in due course.
I think your sitch has the potential to turn around for the better.
About your guy friend...yeah, DB isn't only for our WASes but a way of life. I DB everyone everywhere. Yep, glad you had a lightbulb moment with your guy friend.
Most of DBing is basic relationship skills. All our Rs can benefit. And given that most of us see a lot more of other people than our Ss, we need to practice on them (good for those Rs) if we are to improve our skills when it counts w/ our Ss. That and when they see you behaving consistently w/ other people they are more likely to trust that the new way you are behaving toward them is not just a ploy to win them back.
Good catch PP.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
-You got to see Woofie for the first time -W walked in the house and sat on the sofa -W talked with you for over an hour -W said things that were informative and you should file away in the back of your mind -Remember to believe 50% of what they say
I only have to mention Thornton's name to remind you that his W wasn't really happy apart from him and she tearfully told him that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be on the other side of the fence.
Bid your time and all will come out in due course.
I think your sitch has the potential to turn around for the better.
Thank you Wonka, I understand that things in my sitch are vastly different than they were a month ago or even a week ago. My feeling, and yep I know this is mind reading, is that my W wants us to be bff's. That even though she's opened up a bit about why she left, she is on the whole much happier without me. Sure there is a place that still misses me and loves me, but that's just a natural reaction and part of the transition.
I also believe I really did upset her when I laughed about Woofie. Of all things to push her away with. I really did think it was hilarious, but she took it as a deep insult. I watched her face change and she swallowed to prevent herself from crying it seemed. This however, was also a big change on her part as I hardly ever saw emotion on her when we were together. Part of the reasons she gave me in the past for her having to leave was that I would never see her and support her exactly as she is and this was one more time that I didn't. More mind reading but I feel like I solidified that belief.
Time to focus on the positive. I know. Much is positive from our interactions. Much from a DB standpoint and a real life standpoint. I fell a bit into the "all or nothing trap" instead of looking at this as numerous baby steps forward.
In fact, she told that next weekend she may not be there but she would leave me a key to come into her house and grab Woofie. That's a big step up from one line emails.
Thank you Wonka, both for the 2x4 and for all of your help thus far.
Edited because I forgot - Big hug to you Wonka!
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 08/17/1506:13 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
