Eric, try to calm yourself. If you enter the house with all this pressure inside you, it is sure to lead to a bad outcome.
I suggest you NOT purchase other books while waiting on DB/DR. Too many authors with their own opinions and it will confuse most people who are already in an emotional state.
You have a wayward wife. Have you read my threads for newcomer LBH'S 's with a WW? It is one of the links Cadet gave as homework. Reading those links will do more than getting another book to read while waiting on the DBing.
I think you are confused about setting boundaries, 180's, etc. 180's are about doing something different (positive and appropriate) to replace an old/bad reaction or behavior. Boundaries (another link on Cadet's list) are set to establish respect for you. There are some things you just won't endure b/c you don't have to. It is disrespectful, inappropriate and offensive. It goes against your values, morals, and belief system. If you don't protect what you value in yourself, nobody else will.
So, you decide what you can live with, and what you won't. If you can control no other adult but yourself, how do you establish respect? If it is a co-worker, friend, family member, or spouse.......how do they know how far they can push you?
A WW is overflowing with disrespect for her H. She is filled with resentment and rebellion. She is driven by pure selfishness. Nothing "will work" to save the M until she begins to respect you as a man again. That means, drawing the line in the sand about some issues. But it goes further. You MUST be prepared with a plan as to what you will do when she doesn't honor that boundary. Remember, it needs to be a consequences to her disrespect, but you are the only one you can control. Think about it.
Do not start out saying something you will regret. It isn't good to go around crowing about this and that suddenly being a boundary. She will immediately know you've been reading, and will probably laugh behind your back. So, think before you say anything, and make it count. She isn't going to honor it until she sees you carry through with action. So, be careful. A boundary is not an ultimatum. WW's see an ultimatum as a dare and will do it, or die trying.
If you believe it is inappropriate for a mother of two to be out bar hopping all night (or spending the night with GF.......? In the same town??.......really?), and you feel it is disrespectful to the M, is there some type of boundary you would want to apply here? It won't stop her (just stating the boundary) so what would be the consequences that would send her the message?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
