HI Sotto yes there is a work book and I will be using it also. I do rely a lot on whether he accepts me. I had a heart to heart with MIL tonight. It really hurt me hearing her words but they were very true. She told me I have spent a year talking harshly about H so much so to the point she avoids being alone with me as she no longer wants to hear it. I believe this to be true I have talked very negatively about him this past year. She also said I always call him the cheater but technically I am doing the same thing. she said
MIL:"for the last year all I have heard is you bash my son. Every moment you have a chance to the point that I avoid being alone with you. This is MY SON after all. But you still choose to sleep with him even though he is sleeping with someone else but then judge him for doing it...so the act for you is fine but for him is horrific? You cary on about him being a cheat but apparently if it is with you its OK?"
ME: NO its unfortunantly not ok at all. These happen to be teh the things I am choosing to work on! I have been much more positive towards him trying to thank him for things he does little or big! In the last few months I have spent a lot of time reflecting and reading, reading and more reading about my behavior! I have learned my actions have caused a lot of the issue we have. Yes he has made some mistakes but I have made many more. I believe I was angry with myself and depressed I pushed the blame on him no excuse for it all its part of healing. When I get into my depressed moods nothing is positive that is why I am going through counseling and taking meds. I need help I need direction to change. it wont happen over night but I do try to be more positive towards him. Now I see how horrible I was trust me again I do not blame him for all of it. I would have probably done the same thing he is doing now. I am sorry I caused you to not want to be around me I needed to hear that because I have always felt you were very supportive of me so gives me another reason to dig deeper and keep looking at me instead of pointing fingers at everyone else.
MIL I love you I want you to be happy and healthy You are family.
ME:I want to be healthy too! and I am working on a lot of things to help me with that. counseling weekly, I am looking into anger management support group, co dependent support group, and Adult children of alcoholics support group. I'm trying to go out with friends Im trying to have a healthy attatchment to him not a smothering evil attatchment. Im learning healthy ways to express anger and problem solving. I want to be healthy happy and have a family with your son if that is possible it will come in time right now it needs to be about working on me. One thing I have started at dinner time since we are all at the table is everyone has to say 2 good things about their day 2 not so good things and give everyone a compliment. ex: Thanks H for hand washing my car today greatly appreciated. I ask him every day if there is anything I can help him with or to make his day better/easier. Trust me I see my faults and I am sorry I made you feel like that. I really am trying I know people dont see it but I am!
I can completely see your side of it. I guess I took advantage of you being a trusted person and did not take into consideration you are his mom too. I am doing a lot more of just keeping it to myself feeling the emotion and dealing with the emotion not just shoving it away that is an unhealthy behavior. like right now I feel anger at myself Hurt from my actions and hurting people I care about and I need to sort through them instead of get angry! It will take a long time but I hope to someday be the healthy happy person I once was. I hate the person I have become adn a healthier happier person is all I want. Putting this family back together would just be a bonus but there is no way i want to try right now I need me time!
So I shared this as again I felt detatchment from the overwhelming contorlling tendencies. I took what she said I listened replied politely did not get offended. I was hurt reading it but I also know what she said was truthful. It needed to be said. It gave me a lot to own up to and a lot to think about. I do use very harsh words to describe H. I am not very supportive or appreciative. I am seeing more and more of my challenges.
This weeks goal: No matter how upset I get I will not say anything negative about H to anyone. I will give him one positive statement a day if he initiates conversation!
I stayed dark all day at work today. NO TEXTING. I got home he told me he waited to feed D's lunch until I got home so we could all eat together he figured I would be hungry. He started conversation about racecar telling me what he was going to change just general conversation. He told me he did the dishes and all the laundry was done. He ASKED if I could put it away. I said yes I would I had a few other things I needed to do also. He said please do not burn yourself out I just would like you to do laundry the rest can wait. I said thank you. He asked if there was anything I needed from him or needed help with I said no. I told him I registered girls for dance and looked into soccer for D7. He then went outside I made lunch. While outside he vacuumed my car out hand washed it washed the racecar played with the girls and came in and ate lunch with us! I swear an alien took him over.
So I know you are all thinking I am jumping for joy thinking yes things are getting so much better we must be on the right track right????? WELL guess what. I simply said thank you for washing the car it looks great. AND HOW DO I FEEL???? the same. I am glad he did it he did not have to and I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate his kindness and helpfulness. I DO NOT think this makes us on the right track or changes ANYTHING. He is still doing WAH things also. It was enjoyable to have a nice evening at home together with the kids.
Usually when something like this would happen I would be all happy and OMG maybe things are getting better maybe we do have a chance but NOT TODAY. Today I am detatching from those feelings. I know its only one day but hopefully tomorrow can be more of the same!
