I'd agree w/ the no diagnosis. Even therapists don't do this w/ their spouses (at least good ones), as their too enmenshed & there is to much therapist caused pathology (we call it iatrogenic illness). Now if your IC says this, then fine (although she/he is only hearing one side, so there is a grain of salt factor).
On your emotional state. Honor those feelings. Lean in gently and let them wear themselves out on you.
What's your social life like? Do you have close friends to do things with? Do you have any more casual friends that you occasionally do things? Time to make use of that to get you out with people other than family right now IMHO.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Resonates with me, Heavy. Heading out to a family BBQ right now, which on the one hand is affirming and good for me. But on the other, it's hard even to see my own siblings with their intact families, while my WW has gone off into her MLC spin. I mean, my sister is a recovering alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon twice in her life, once while pregnant with the ninth of her 11 children, who has practically financially ruined her family many times, even when technically sober... and her husband has stayed steadfast and loved her right on through, when hardly any of us would have faulted him for leaving. Makes me wonder... how can this be possible for my W to leave me over so little?
Anyway, thinking of you today... hang in there.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Social life could've better no doubt about it. Problem is my heart is just not in it. I just feel such shame that my w brought upon me and our familh with all of this. People said we were the poster kids for the lesbian family and that always filled my heart with joy.
I feel that I have let everyone done. We were not the perfect family, not the perfect couple and certainly not what I thought was real. I am trying really hard to make solo friends that don't know my past. So far I have made 2 Solo friends. That's a start.
I know I have been posting a lot today - forgive me on eing verbose.
OK - I need to get some new goals to kick myself into gear
1. Joined the Y for the family. Last week I took S10 for chess and D6 for dance. For me, I checked out the spin classes. It looked like a lot of fun and what a great workout I could get. I printed out the schedule, have it taped to my wall.
GOAL #1. I will do 1 SPIN class per week. Each class is 1 hour long. I will do the SPIN class when kids are with me or the week I don't have them.
GOAL #2. I signed up for music lessons at Guitar Center - I will take a lesson 60 minutes each week. I will start with mandolin first since I have one and I can sort of play it.
GOAL #3. I will go out to dinner with a new friend each week I don't have kids. I will actively work to expand my social circle for new people, friends for ME.
GOAL #4. I will prepare lunch meals for me the night before work to save money on buying lunch at work. These will be healthier and cheaper.
GOAL #5. I will go to church group EVERY Sunday and participate with books clubs, growth groups etc...whatever is offered.
GOAL #6. I will participate with the MEETUP country music jam sessions that happen weekly. I will do this when I don't have the kids with me as they are in the evenings during the week.
GOAL #7. I will make an excel speasheet to chart progress on these goals.
That is all.
I am welcome to any and all suggestions to get my a$$ moving.
Spent 3 hours just the four of us - W and kids to celebrate the actual day of S10 birthday.
I met them at W apartment, called and was buzzed in. The kids gave me a big smile and hug and I brought in the bag of presents I had for him. My W offers me some tea and I said yes, thanks.
We all sat at the dining room table and he tears into gifts. When he gets gifts he really likes he does a little jig it was so cute. I got a few things for my D6 so she wouldn't feel left out. I told the birth story of S10 and the events of that day and how it was one on my happiest days of my life. I told him that we sang him a song when he was born and we both sang the song.
I helped put together some toys for S10 until we go to the party store to decorate a cake. We all walk down, kids holding my hand and W's alternating.
We get to the store, start decorating. W and I are not talking too much, I ask questions about how work is going, and telling her what kids and I have been doing (chess and soccer and dance classes). I ask about what she thought about S10 and midle school options. She made a point to mention the options that are near her apartment. I just nodded and said OK and talked about a few other possibilities.
We took some photos of her and the kids and me and the kids, no photos of all 4 of us. We are just not there.
We left, walked back and I walked them inside the apartment. I helped D6 open up a tea set she got. I said I love you, kissed them on the head, and said I will see you Friday. I walk into W's bathroom, saw she was washing her face off. I stopped and said "Bye, thanks for a fun afteroon and for organizing this event", she said "You're leaving?" and I said yes, then I gently left and closed the door. I did not want to overstay my welome.
It was emotional and bittersweet but overall not terrible. Although we didn't say a whole lot to each other, we kept it focused on the children and a few other work topics. I made sure the kids had fun which they did.
She sent me a text "Thank you for coming today."
I then met a friend for dinner that she cooked and we had a nice chat. She is one of my solo friends so that was nice.
Great job Heavy! That's a hugely successfully navigated party.
I'd say that's a definite success. By DB standards and otherwise.
You kept your cool, made it about the kids, showed your W that your strong enough to leave even though you could have stayed and it sounds like you took care of yourself.
Good work.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
thanks PP. I really tried hard to focus on the kids. I also tried hard to respect my W's apartment and privacy. She obviously worked hard to get it all set up.
I love the goals HeavyD, and would like to see an on average in there somewhere. On average three times a month. Otherwise we will call you heavyS for schedule!
BTW I am an excel spreadsheet lass.
The higher spirit, it enters when you least expect into your conscious, it's working it's magic in your subconscious. Even on small things, the burst balloons for instance. Trust me it's there, I see the precious energy percolating your actions.
You can't stop it now, no way, it emerges more every day.
As you let go and trust, it comes further into your world.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/17/1501:49 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
