Too angry right now

[asitis]

Stay the course & get out among people, even if you are by yourself. I go to Barnes & Noble browse the books I have an interest in, then buy myself a coffee & treat that I enjoy while reading my book. I find even that helps when I'm feeling isolated & the contact itch starts demanding a scratch.

Good luck.

[PigPen]

It's the worst, but it does get better. I went from speaking to my W multiple times a day, to every day, to once a week, to not at all for over 2 months! Not one word in that time.

Felt like I had lost my right arm. Every day is one day better.

Stay strong.

PP

[ohgosh]

I just feel like [censored].
I know I got no one to be angry at.

I know she's probably also suffering in her own way.

For me it's like being burnt alive.

PigPen: does she still reach out to you?

[asitis]

Sorry you're struggling so much. Hang in there.

[ohgosh]

Thanks.
In the past this high level of stress would cause me to push her further away by sending a ton of angry texts.
Not today.
I'm not going to allow these states of exasperation and sadness to push her further away.
Even though in my mind I already lost and I got nothing to lose, I remember she still loves me but is angry and afraid of getting hurt by me again. Reacting to her in anger or intensity is more of the same.
Tomorrow I go back to my city for a day and a half before my retreat. I will not see her even if she asks (though I know she won't) and simply sort out the practicalities without leaving anything behind.

Getting a bit tired now, sleep is temporary bliss.

[PigPen]

PigPen: does she still reach out to you?

I saw her for the first time in 4.5 months yesterday. Only because we still share a dog...it took me 5 weeks of emailing once a week to get to see him. Other than that, she never reached out to me. None. Nothing. Not once.

When I asked to see the dog the last time, she told me she wanted a divorce. But she literally spent a total of an hour in my house this weekend sharing her story, her pain, her new life, that she loved me, that she loved her new life, you name it. She was the woman I love, and am in love with. She just needs space and may be needs space from me forever. Who knows. She probably doesn't. I sure as (censored) don't.

Just because she's not contacting you doesn't mean she's not thinking about you. Mine had rules - any form of contact makes PP think we're getting back together. And she was right. I taught her that pre DB. If she sent me a text, I sent her 20. If she sent me a 1 line email, I wrote a dissertation as a reply.

Now I keep it simple too. She left an hour ago and I want nothing more than to call, text, reach out in some way just to keep that connection alive. But I'm not going to. Because I know what it will do - seem like pursuit. And it is.

Be strong. This whole process is awful, but it will teach you more about yourself, communication, relationships, and again YOURSELF than you ever could imagine and what you learn is worth the price of the pain, you just can't see it yet.

I've changed my whole life since she left, but it wasn't until I found this forum that I realized why and how to make it last.

Trust the process, even when you don't.

PP

[ohgosh]

Storm clouds have passed and I resisted the urge.. Major accomplishment for me. I know I'll be happy with myself and someone else in future... Maybe with her but at this stage it seems like piecing this show back together is going to be rough, knowing how long my w's mind keeps anger and hurt.

[Azzork]

Storm clouds have passed and I resisted the urge.. Major accomplishment for me. I know I'll be happy with myself and someone else in future... Maybe with her but at this stage it seems like piecing this show back together is going to be rough, knowing how long my w's mind keeps anger and hurt.

For now, try not to worry too much about that. Just focus on taking things hour by hour or day by day. Get yourself back in order. Thats really priority one right now, Ohgosh.

[ohgosh]

Thanks. Working hard on this.
My mind constantly obsess on whether we will or will not ever get back together so I must acknowledge this.

On another note I feel she got a bit angry with me after those sexy hugs.. I left the flat before her return (wanted to avoid seeing her again, was enough this week) and for not sharing my plans with her even though she asked a couple of times.

What does she expect really.. That I'll be her doormat waiting for every little affection I can get from her and be completely transparent about anything I do when she's obviously not? I sometimes truly wonder at the vast differences in the ways our minds work.

[ohgosh]

Walking around a beautiful city. Feel better today about my life without her.

She rang, was not in the headspace to answer as needed to chill. Vented about it to a friend, relaxed. Knew she probably calls about practical [censored] and I get pissed by that. Rang back after an hour, no answer.