Ok Eric, I seemed not to have explained very well, I apologise for that.
I am extracting some better explanations from my personal notes, this is from Patricia Evans:
So what are the differences between boundaries and control?
A boundary is that invisible line that separates your from the rest of the world. Within your boundary is that personal space where you feel safe and secure. In healthy relationships where neither person needs to control the other, both partners have an understanding of fairness and the others person's needs. They grant each other the right to have psychological space and look out for small ways to create happiness for the other person.
Control within a relationship can happen when appropriate boundaries are not set and kept. it is an attempt to provide a one up.
Boundaries are needed when one partner tries to control the other. When someone invades your space physically or emotionally with discounting your needs, manipulation, bullying or abuse, your personal boundaries are violated. Power and force to get one's way and causes the other person to submit are the hallmarks of boundary transgressions. When you give yourself away taking care of others without looking out for yourself in a relationship, resentment and anger can build up resulting in your feeling hard done to.
Ok, so you say that one of your W valid complaints was a restricted social life. Ask did you 'forbid' her to go out or was this her choice. did you flat out "no" or did you negotiate?
Is it reasonable not to go out as a couple, even if that's your preference?
Your W felt she had no life, how far is that true?
So what are the 180s you can see from your answers?
When W started to go out with her friends she appears to have pushed your buttons, and then you said that you argued.
What aspect of W going out crossed your boundary? Going out with her friends? Going out drinking with her friends? Staying out all night? Not being back to look after the kids?
Is your boundary reasonable and fair to both you and W?
It's your boundary,but enforcing your boundary by getting angry isn't reasonable or fair. Denying another their boundary isnt fair either.
Getting angry wont help you in your sitch. I sense this. I do understand your boundary has been violated and you are angry. I think W is acting out like a teenager, someone from the MLC part of the board might help. My knowledge is very limited on MLC. -----------------------------------------
Let me say what I think is reasonable, you have your choice and W has hers too.
So if I were W, I would think it reasonable that I have friends of my own and that I have a life of my own, including girlie nights on the tiles occasionally. I would expect to be open, be contactable and say where I was going with whom and when I will be back. I can visit my family as I need to.
I might also want a social life with my H as well as a family life. To be romantic and have date nights. That seems reasonable. If my H travels for work then those social things would be negotiated. ----------------------------------------------- If this hasn't happened then that would be a 180, which W sees as getting a life. W has an involvement in this too. I sense if you get angry W will see this as restricting her in her social life.
I would suggest it isn't W going out that is the issue or going to see her sister. It is the going out all night with single girlfriends and possibly meeting with single guys she has chatted to on FB. That is more than getting a life.
When you are calm and composed talk about the boundary violations but you need to be precise about those, can you define exactly what it is? As for pushing W away she already is away.
Have you decided on your reasonable boundary?
You can try to control W and unlikely to be successful, but you can have boundaries which you can express.
So for example "W, I am very concerned that you go out all night drinking with your friends, without saying where you are. In particular when there are activities for the children in the morning and you are not meeting your commitments. I am cross about the effect this is having and my trust in you is low. What can we do to resolve this issue?"
There are others better with words than I. You have sales skills which could be put to great use in this I think so.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/16/1506:46 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
