I'm seeing my W for the first time in four and a half months today, am equal parts excited about getting my dog back and truthfully, also nervous about what feelings seeing her will kick up.
Keep telling myself that I have no idea how things will go, maybe all of the detachment has done it's job and it won't be a big deal. Maybe I'll just see her as person and not THE person that my whole life depends upon. Getting texts from her about the logistics hasn't been the heart stopper that it was just a short time ago so fingers crossed that it's just a simple interaction between people that have spent a lot of time together.
That being said, I'm going to look great, smell great, and keep my PMA high. Wonka's Validation thread has been reread and I'm going do a lot of breathing throughout.
Intellectually I also understand that it's not healthy to shut that entire 10 year period that I've known her out of my mind and just pretend that it never happened. I've been doing that a bit and focusing entirely on the future, but want to integrate the two. To get to the point where I can think of her and our time together and not have it ruin my day. All in due time.
Can't wait to see my dog, what a great day it's going to be!
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 08/15/1503:07 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
WAW and I met for the first time in 4 months today. There have been a few back and forth emails on Woofie, but that's it for contact. Been pretty slim lately.
Gave her a quick hug when she came in and mostly just played with my dog. Was so great to get to see him. I thought she'd just pass me off his stuff and be on her way but she came right in, sat down on my couch and started telling me about her life and our M. Was kind of a shock but I sat, listened, validated and STFU as much as possible.
She gave me a lot of insight into her own situation - she felt like she was swimming upstream work wise in our town, had trouble making deep connections here, but where she worked (an hour away) everything was available and being offered to her without effort. Since I was in survival mode and dealing with addictions so I was considerably checked out, the decision was made to pull the plug and leave.
She also shared something which was interesting to hear - that she was feeling depressed at the end of our M and had made herself a promise at age 8 that she would never let herself get to a place of depression like she had seen in her mother (severe bi-polar). Part of her reason for leaving was also to stave off that impending depression.
In addition, she felt like my issues were only escalating and that nothing would have ever changed. I do admit to this, I needed a big shock like BD to come out of my own addiction fog and change my life, not just white knuckle my issues.
The combo of above was the real impetus behind BD and her move out. I can see it from her perspective, as painful as it still is. I do believe we are both in better places in our lives, although she told me that she missed me and still loved me. I'll take it for what it's worth. She also started crying when she said it.
We agreed after some very open talks about co-parenting Woofie (THANK YOU again Wonka!) and I will have him every two weeks and she will have him for two weeks until "things get to court". I was hoping more for "for the foreseeable future" but we'll take it as a step in the right direction.
One DB blunder I did make was when she told me that I never trusted her and how hard that was for her. I did validate but instead of asking how I could show her that I trusted her, I just took her hand and told her that I really did trust her. I think I negated her feeling as opposed to really honoring it and seeing it as a big issue in our M that she feels still exists.
In my own defense, this was in response to her telling me that our dog was a reincarnation of her old dog, that he was brought into our lives as a gift from the Universe to her, and that he really did have spiritual needs that were better served by living with her. I may have burst out laughing when she said that because I simply couldn't help myself.
The challenge for me is now that I miss her much more despite the above paragraph. I listened to the work she's doing on herself, the path she's on now, and how much it mirrors my own. It truly feels like we're having parallel experiences only 60 miles apart. I believe in my heart that our M could be the greatest place for us both to heal old wounds, and live out our lives with a partner that is seeking the same type of life.
I'm off to the beach for the afternoon with my dog in tow and am happy despite missing my beautiful W.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I do believe WAW when she says she loves you. I hear it often in the Gamanon room by spouses of gamblers who reach the last chance saloon with their addict.
Great interaction.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/15/1510:54 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
PP, it sounds like you did a great job with her. Telling her you trust her was a slip, but not a plunge down a cliff. I'm surprised you weren't rolling on the floor with her reason to have full custody of Woofie. You must have handled it well or she would have left with Woofie.
I hope the beach was fun!!!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Great job. You planted some good seeds in all that. Now, just be very patient. You'll get the 2 week hand offs of Woofie to actually do some more DBing. Don't expect the same relaxed sit down, but she will be watching and listening. Just give her the time she needs to get to wherever she is headed. She can't help but notice the change in PP, but she's going to be wary of trusting that change. Seeing you play with him & him being happy will also be a great attractant, so I'm really glad you'll have that chance.
Maybe at some point down the road (not the next couple hand offs) when she is dropping him off at your place, a casual invite out to do something that afternoon w/ no expectations (like you just thought of it off the top of your head). If she says yes, great. If she says no, also great because you're going to act as if it is no big deal. Every once and a while repeat. She'll see that there's no pressure, you're stronger & have enough good in your life to not be hopeful & needy, etc.
Hope you are enjoying/enjoyed your time with Woofie!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you all for your comments. Yesterday was a completely bi-polar day for me on a number of fronts.
I LOVED having my dog back, we spent the day chasing each other all over the beach, he slept in bed with me, woke me up by kissing my face, and we've got another morning of running around planned. Knowing that I get him for two weeks next weekend is going to get me through this upcoming week with a smile on my face.
But I also spent a good portion of last night with my face buried in my hands crying and snotting all over the place. Seeing my W and having my dog back brought back the understanding of just how much has been missing in my life in the last 4 months. It was a direct "Oh that's right, both of these wonderful beings are no longer part of my daily existence." That was very hard.
Additionally, I sat down after my W had left and felt overwhelming sadness. Not that I had lost her, or anything to do with us, but just to hear that she had felt so much of her own pain during our M and had also felt so much pain after our separation. It broke my heart to know that someone I care so much about had endured so much. The pain wasn't centered around our M and the trials and tribulations of it, but a lot of it was just her own. That was awful to hear, and to know that I and missed it during our M and missed the opportunity to be there for her.
I have also used my own anger over our K9 situation as fuel over the past few weeks to get more detached. Having her here telling me that she loved me and hearing the ways that she is thriving melted that anger and underneath it was only my own sadness. I think it's far easier to be angry than sad when working on detachment. She also told me that BD was the only way she felt like she could save herself and that on that day she just felt like a shell of the woman she was now. I understand why she doesn't want to risk getting back there. None of the understanding makes my heart hurt less this morning, but I'd rather have it than not.
I'm going to follow As's advice and stick with DB'ing. I know that co-parenting and the opportunity it gives me to see her is a big step. Of course as of this morning I want to send her 20 messages about the dog and ask if she wants to come over for breakfast since she's still in town, and tell her how much I love her and how I think the work we've both done would lead to the healthiest, most attuned M on the planet. But I won't because I know the dance - I pull, she pushes - we've done that for years.
Slow and steady. Use what I have and don't push for more. Think about the long game.
Happy Sunday DB'ers. I'm headed to the beach to watch my dog bound through the surf and let it fill my aching heart.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
It says a lot that after all she has put you through, you can still find compassion & feel the pain your W went through & is going through. It is also good that you mourned your lost life. Painful & messy, but good.
I wouldn't go writing things off just yet. I'm not saying that you two have a future, but I don't think the conclusion to the story has yet been written. So just enjoy having Woofie back in your life, and keep doing the good work you are doing.
Glad you are getting some very happy days in with the prospects of more. You really learn to appreciate them when after all the dark days.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
