Thank you all for your comments. Yesterday was a completely bi-polar day for me on a number of fronts.
I LOVED having my dog back, we spent the day chasing each other all over the beach, he slept in bed with me, woke me up by kissing my face, and we've got another morning of running around planned. Knowing that I get him for two weeks next weekend is going to get me through this upcoming week with a smile on my face.
But I also spent a good portion of last night with my face buried in my hands crying and snotting all over the place. Seeing my W and having my dog back brought back the understanding of just how much has been missing in my life in the last 4 months. It was a direct "Oh that's right, both of these wonderful beings are no longer part of my daily existence." That was very hard.
Additionally, I sat down after my W had left and felt overwhelming sadness. Not that I had lost her, or anything to do with us, but just to hear that she had felt so much of her own pain during our M and had also felt so much pain after our separation. It broke my heart to know that someone I care so much about had endured so much. The pain wasn't centered around our M and the trials and tribulations of it, but a lot of it was just her own. That was awful to hear, and to know that I and missed it during our M and missed the opportunity to be there for her.
I have also used my own anger over our K9 situation as fuel over the past few weeks to get more detached. Having her here telling me that she loved me and hearing the ways that she is thriving melted that anger and underneath it was only my own sadness. I think it's far easier to be angry than sad when working on detachment. She also told me that BD was the only way she felt like she could save herself and that on that day she just felt like a shell of the woman she was now. I understand why she doesn't want to risk getting back there. None of the understanding makes my heart hurt less this morning, but I'd rather have it than not.
I'm going to follow As's advice and stick with DB'ing. I know that co-parenting and the opportunity it gives me to see her is a big step. Of course as of this morning I want to send her 20 messages about the dog and ask if she wants to come over for breakfast since she's still in town, and tell her how much I love her and how I think the work we've both done would lead to the healthiest, most attuned M on the planet. But I won't because I know the dance - I pull, she pushes - we've done that for years.
Slow and steady. Use what I have and don't push for more. Think about the long game.
Happy Sunday DB'ers. I'm headed to the beach to watch my dog bound through the surf and let it fill my aching heart.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
