This morning, I took my kids to run a 5k. It was my s:8 first 5k. My d:13 is competitive in track running long distance. To my surprise, my wife came with us. She did not run, but took pictures. I kept my focus on the kids and neighbors that were there. I did talk to her, but I tried not to hover. My son made it the distance without stopping. It was a happy and proud moment.
To clarify, my wife is going out with two girlfriends tonight that are both happily married. One has gone through a divorce, but is remarried and currently pregnant. She will be the designated driver. I do not have any plans to stalk her tonight. I can not control what she does. I am going to go to the motocross track with my son and we are going to spend the afternoon riding. Part of me does not want to be home when my W is home getting ready and then leaving. I am going to keep myself from texting or calling her and let her have the freedom she apparently needs. This is a change for me because I would normally be checking in with her throughout the night. I am not sure how she will interpret that, but I know she will have to notice, right? The plan for me is to give her space and she will have to decide what she is going to do with it. I am going to keep busy with my kids and hope I have the power to not dwell. I hope to go to sleep at the end of the night.
I am not sure how she will interpret that, but I know she will have to notice, right?
What you wrote is the right actions, but the wrong attitude. It's not about trying to get her to notice this. Any change has to be for YOU first. So you want to give her space because she asked for it. You go running and motocross to GAL. You do any other changes for self improve R.
If you do it in hopes she will notice, you'll only wind up disappointed.
I am still learning. My gut instinct is too tell her not to stay the night. I know this will just push her away. So, I am trying to just keep my mouth shut about this with her. She is getting ready in the shower now. So, I came on here to look. Not sure what I'm going to say. I should have left before her, like I planned. I am taking my son swimming now. I feel bad that my d:13 doesn't want to go. The kids are not her priority right now. I am trying to take care of them and handle this. I should have been gone, but here I am.
I have just seen your stich and wanted to say that your situation is so very much like mine and I am sorry you are here. Listen to the advice you are getting it is golden Azzrok has been a pillar to me I am still making mistakes and it takes time but you sound like you are doing well with the process.
Do not ask her do not Persue it will make things worse she has to take this journey asking her will not help you
Focus on the kids and GAL it is hard and I am not the best at it by a long way but it has to be done I am learning
I am thinking about you
Take care Ghost56
Last edited by Ghost56; 08/15/1510:59 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Eric, you are only 4 weeks into this. You are doing well. The sooner you can detach the better, but honestly, some of this requires time. I am 6 months into BD and still have lots of doubts and questions and bad days. I also lost 25 lbs in the first couple of months, gradually my appetite came back.
Do not snoop. I found some things while snooping that honestly, will be VERY hard to get over. The things that H said and did to my face will be hard enough to get over, but the things I found while snooping are the ones that haunt me. Our spouses are not in their right minds right now, are confused, angry, etc, and really it is better not to know everything.
You are absolutely doing the right thing with your children. I could be doing MUCH better with GAL if I didn't put my kids first, but they need stability and love right now. One thing I have been doing is including my children in GAL. We are currently on our second "Mom and kids only" vacation this summer. I have been spending a lot of evenings taking the kids to the pool and staying until closing, ordering pizzas for dinner and eating there and usually meeting up with friends. A lot of evenings sitting around a campfire with a group of friends and their children, sometimes with H, sometimes without, but I have been spending more time than ever with other families because I need to get out and don't want to leave my kids at home alone, or with a checked out H.
On the nights when H is away and I am alone after the kids go to bed I get on here and catch up on other people. There are days when this is actually more depressing, but the longer I am here the more I find I take comfort from the knowledge that I am not alone and can even joke about things.
I, like you, still have my S at home and it does make things more confusing, but I look at it as a positive sign that there is a part of him that does not want to leave. I probably shouldn't be looking at it either way, but I do. It is very stressful though, tiptoeing around. It has gotten easier with time, but there are still days when it is really rough.
Sorry, my response is all over the place. I am interrupted every couple of minutes by kids. I usually wait to get on here when I am not distracted.
Again, you are 4 weeks into this, that is just the beginning. Fasten your seat belt, and dig deep into yourself, you are going to need to be patient.
It matters if there is an OM, it really matters if a W goes wayward. The particular brand of OM matters, some are nastier than others. Most As don't last, so any particular A does matter, the existence of it does in my book.
Why?
Well a spouse who is not wayward is leaving for other reasons and they are not in a fog or an MLC. The WAS is stating their reasons for going and DB is absolutely core to the recovery of the LBS, get to it from day one.They aren't looking for an A. tough journey for everyone in this but no OP to handle.
The stance with a wayward is going to be very different and require a different type of strength, it's a hard road especially if the S in is in house. It requires a tougher stance, and a lot of growth and support for the LBS, in taking very firm decisions. Sandi is the guide on this.
It isn't possible to stop a determined wayward from being wayward, but it can be objected to and firm boundaries put in place. Going out with female friends is one thing, all we girlies do it, but not with wayward intentions. Red flags here for me, and boundary decisions to be made quickly.
I donot agree with snooping, but I do agree with INTEL. Intel is for a purpose and that is to know so you can protect yourself and your children. Forewarned is forearmed. The days are gone when blowing a whistle on an A is effective as a strategy, although I have read it works when the agreived spouse is backed by bosses, church, family etc. Waywards won't care, they get addicted to the waywardness of the A. My WH had numerous liaisons and me calling it made dilly squat of difference to him, he wanted the single life with my money. He has it whilst I struggle. I believe the LBS has the right to INTEL. Once you know don't pick the scab, by reknowing and keep the evidence if acquired through proper channels. From now on you will need INTEL. If Starsky is about then he is the master Vet on this. The more you know the easier your journey and the more effective the advice.
Strong boundaries Eric, if you feel staying the night away is a boundary issue for you, say so. It may not affect W if she intends to go wayward but it is your boundary, you will have to decide a consequence if she does. No threats or ultimatums required, just consequences which you enforce. For example where does the cash to do this come from? If its joint funds, then maybe that is somewhere to start. Time to get stronger and put consequences and systems in, it may be much harder down the road. I have said this same thing in several sitches and been advised there is no point in enforcing boundaries until the poster is emotionally ready to enforce. I think with help here you can be enforcing your boundaries.
Boundaries are about our interactions with others, a two way thing, what we find we allow and when something is hurtful. Being hurt or angry is a sign someone has entered into our space and it's unacceptable to us. Boundaries can be flexible, rigid boundaries make life very difficult. I like Al Turtle on boundaries, you can google it, he describes things in a way I understand and in simple Wnglish.
It's my view your boundary issue needs stating, that such behaviour by your W is unacceptable to you. Intel, know where she was and with whom too.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/16/1501:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
SHe knows that I don't like her going out all night (from several previous fights throughout our marriage) and she certainly knows I did not like her staying the night after drinking at the bars all night, especially since she now has said she doesn't love me and wants to separate and she has thought about divorce. I told her to have fun and did the 180 thing. It was not what was in my heart to say that, but I was trying not to be controlling and I had a feeling she was looking for me to get angry and blow up. I ended up leaving with my son before she was done getting ready. Without son's presence, I approached W and said where me and son are going to my friends house for a pool party. I said please call or text me so I know what's going on and don't have to worry. She said ok. I would ask her that before the BD and it was a point of fights before then. She wouldn't make the time to do so, so I was not expecting her to do it last night either. I ended up having fun at friends (on the surface, inside I was having some wandering, negative thoughts, worrYing about who she was with and worrying about where she would be actually sleeping at the end of the night. Worried that the "slumber party" was not with her girlfriends, but with a potential, unknown OM). Got son home at 10pm. Daughter didn't want to go to pool party, so was at neighbors house. I got her and the kids pretty much so had a snack and went to bed. I scanned facebook hoping to see pics of W and girlfriends at bar together. They normally post pics and let everyone know they are at bar having a good time. Social networking bragging. 2am rolls around and no text or phone call from W, bars are closed, no pics or updates on Facebook. I took two of W sleeping pills, which I have never ever taken one before, and crash. Went to bed feeling despair, hopeless, worried, and angry. Just woke up and I did receive a text at 2:45 am. Said "I tried not to look at my phone while I was out. We had fun chatting". I look on facebook and there are three pics of the girlfriends that were posted right after 2am. It is 8:35am here and I have no idea how to feel. Setting boundaries you say... I thought I was supposed to 180? I set boundaries before BD about closing the bars and how I didn't like worrying about her that late at night. This is one of the things I would actually get mad at her about. That is why I had a feeling she was testing me. She expected me to call or text her. I did not. She expected me to be worried that she was going out. I said "have fun". She expected me to be mad that she was having a "slumber party" and I said ok. I feel like either way I am doing the wrong thing. If I tell her not to go, I am being controlling and possessive. And now post BD, she would probably go anyways and lead to more fighting. I don't know what to say to her when she comes home.
