Few Questions From. Newbie

[Vanilla]

It matters if there is an OM, it really matters if a W goes wayward. The particular brand of OM matters, some are nastier than others. Most As don't last, so any particular A does matter, the existence of it does in my book.

Why?

Well a spouse who is not wayward is leaving for other reasons and they are not in a fog or an MLC. The WAS is stating their reasons for going and DB is absolutely core to the recovery of the LBS, get to it from day one.They aren't looking for an A. tough journey for everyone in this but no OP to handle.

The stance with a wayward is going to be very different and require a different type of strength, it's a hard road especially if the S in is in house. It requires a tougher stance, and a lot of growth and support for the LBS, in taking very firm decisions. Sandi is the guide on this.

It isn't possible to stop a determined wayward from being wayward, but it can be objected to and firm boundaries put in place. Going out with female friends is one thing, all we girlies do it, but not with wayward intentions. Red flags here for me, and boundary decisions to be made quickly.

I donot agree with snooping, but I do agree with INTEL. Intel is for a purpose and that is to know so you can protect yourself and your children. Forewarned is forearmed. The days are gone when blowing a whistle on an A is effective as a strategy, although I have read it works when the agreived spouse is backed by bosses, church, family etc. Waywards won't care, they get addicted to the waywardness of the A. My WH had numerous liaisons and me calling it made dilly squat of difference to him, he wanted the single life with my money. He has it whilst I struggle. I believe the LBS has the right to INTEL. Once you know don't pick the scab, by reknowing and keep the evidence if acquired through proper channels. From now on you will need INTEL. If Starsky is about then he is the master Vet on this. The more you know the easier your journey and the more effective the advice.

Strong boundaries Eric, if you feel staying the night away is a boundary issue for you, say so. It may not affect W if she intends to go wayward but it is your boundary, you will have to decide a consequence if she does. No threats or ultimatums required, just consequences which you enforce. For example where does the cash to do this come from? If its joint funds, then maybe that is somewhere to start. Time to get stronger and put consequences and systems in, it may be much harder down the road. I have said this same thing in several sitches and been advised there is no point in enforcing boundaries until the poster is emotionally ready to enforce. I think with help here you can be enforcing your boundaries.

Boundaries are about our interactions with others, a two way thing, what we find we allow and when something is hurtful. Being hurt or angry is a sign someone has entered into our space and it's unacceptable to us. Boundaries can be flexible, rigid boundaries make life very difficult. I like Al Turtle on boundaries, you can google it, he describes things in a way I understand and in simple Wnglish.

It's my view your boundary issue needs stating, that such behaviour by your W is unacceptable to you. Intel, know where she was and with whom too.


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