I started my new position last week. I have seen the challenge ahead of me and have started working on achieving a smooth running department. Failure is not an option in my book, so I will find a way. Every part of me aches right now, I have been re arranging the storeroom - but to see it all done was worth it. My supervisor seems happy with my work so far and tells me they definitely picked the right person for the position
Made a few new friends this week which is great. My f/b count is steadily rising
S18 has decided to come home, he is not happy at his dads (does not help that for some strange reason h allowed ow to move back in while she looks for another place - apparently she pointed out her name is on the lease so she has as much right to be there as he does; this just goes to show what a crazy chick she is !!) and says he misses his g/friend, mates and me awwwwww - sweet talker ha ha. He returns to me next weekend and then is moving into a house share with his friends.
H is gutted - that was his words - he had hoped s18 would have stayed long enough for him to get his own place so they could spend time alone .....and true to my non db form, i replied " you would have had him alone if you had not allowed ow back, once again you have put her needs before your son" he replied "agreed, I'm an idiot and a crap father I know. I also know I have been neglecting you recently (I had not heard from him in over a week), I have so many balls to juggle right now that I tend to drop one and it always seems to be yours, I am sorry"
H then talked about the choices both s are making right now. I pointed out that at 18/21 (ages of our sons and the ages we met and got married) he probably made some daft choices too (hoping he would see the amusing side), h replied "nothing as daft as at 43" (his age when he left me)
I replied that I sense an ickle regret creeping in here and he replied " my life is consumed by regrets. Hate it and myself for making so many wrong decsions and the effects they have in other people. I try hard not to but fail spectacularly. I want to grab a tent, the dogs and as much cash as I can and bugger off to the bush, sod the job and the debts, at least I can't mess anything or anyone else up then.
Next day h text me, he asked for my help with a couple of things which for me were not a biggy so I said yes. Later on he text me again saying that he has been knocked back for yet another house (seems having the dogs is a big problem with rentals) and the tent was looking pretty atractive right now I asked him if he had ever thought of moving elsewhere and he replied that he would love to but he needs his wage and he can't find anyone paying the same anywhere else atm and once the debts are down he will look at it again then.
He really does sound so down and I know that I can't and must not help him, that he must figure this all out for himself. I do try and support him as best I can without shoving my opinions on him. I don't mention r, I figure if he ever comes through this depression stage and stops beating himself up and draws the line across the past to begin living a better future then he will either find his way back to me or he won't -
As for me - GAL is getting better, I have started a new project of creating a craft room. I have bought an old cabinet and am renovating it to hold all my craft stuff and am hunting the op shops for an old desk to convert too. I don't want anything modern as I like to recycle the old and unwanted .....know how it feels sometimes !!
I do feel helpless with h, he is so lost and so down right now that its hard to sit back at not help fix him. His world has turned to custard, he is full of such sadness and depths of despair, almost like he is treading water and some days he just can't keep his head above - I have to resist throwing him the lifebelt and let him learn to swim to the liferaft.
Funny - I have gone from feeling sorry and sad for myself, to feeling sorry and sad for h ??!!
