Did you ask L if you have the right to kick H out of the house? I guess he'll probably be too concerned with being outed to protest, but I'd call and find out on Monday... just so you know what *can* happen.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Good Luck to you BT13.. sounds like your handling this very well.
Sorry you are going through all this. brave move taking his stuff to the garage. Let us know the outcome!
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Did you ask L if you have the right to kick H out of the house? I guess he'll probably be too concerned with being outed to protest, but I'd call and find out on Monday... just so you know what *can* happen.
No, I know I don't have the right, but I am hedging my bets that given the situation he's got himself into he will go. If not, I will have to think of plan B.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
No, not yet. I was out this evening, but H must have stopped by. He left note to call him. I just did but went to voice mail. His things are in garage still. Likely he wants to fight about it. I am not going to engage though.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just spoke with him. Very brief call. He wants to chat in person tomorrow evening. All he said was that he saw I did pack things up and we need to talk. Trying to pull power /control move. I can tell he is angry. I just plan on not engaging and I know I can do it this time.
Tips for convo and if he says he is not moving out? Need plan B.
Last edited by BT13; 08/17/1503:01 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just wanted to post some GAL, as that is what I have been primarily doing this weekend. I actually have not been thinking about H a whole lot other than the packing up of his room. Even last week when I was away I was present there and not focused on what was back at home. Yesterday, I ran in 5k. Was really fun time other than being super hot. This evening, I went to a friend's house to learn about investing.
On the docket for this next week is a meetup and a Friday evening on the town. I also finally feel like I am ready to get refocused on work. I have definitely have not been 100% and need to get back in gear.
Right now, I am feeling slighty rattled by H's attitude, which I am sure is what he wants. Mostly, because I hate confrontations and that is what tomorrow will be. I just need to take the high road, stay calm, and validate. I do not want to argue about it. What I need help on his expressing why I feel justified in asking him to move out and packing up his things with out it sounding angry or hostile. The main reason is I am not living in an open marriage and he is in active A. Do I just restate this? Suggestions?
So, I was trying to figure out why he is angry. I think there are two things going on. One, he is upset that his secret A/OW has been brought to light. I am sure she is not happy either and that adds pressure to what has been a fantasy. Plus, they are probably stressing if I will say something. Two, he is feels he is losing control. I am just not sure where he gets off being angry. I guess in his mind he is not doing anything wrong having A in our home because in his mind we aren't M.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok, here is plan. If he pushes back about moving out, here is what I plan to say:
I love you, but by having an A and bringing it into our home, you have crossed the line and you have made a decision on our M. I am not willing to live in an open M and I will not be stuck in limbo as your plan B.
If you want to stay in our marital home then you have to commit to ending A, sending no contact letter to OW, be transparent, and go to MC. I am willing to give 100% to doing what it takes to repair our M.
If you chose to those conditions, then you are making decision to walk away from our M, so you should go ahead and leave now. I am not the one walking away, I refuse to be the one to leave, and I am not living with you A any longer.
If he starts to lie or be disrespectful, I plan to put up my hand and tell him to stop that we both know he is lying. If he wants to have a conversation, then he needs to start being truthful and respectful.
Thoughts?
If he refuses to move out, I guess I let him stay and go as dark as possible and file? I am not going to tell him what I know other than he is having A and with whom. I am not providing details. I am not sure if I am doing what is right by DB, but I don't think it is healthy to stay in M with active A in my home. I think it is psychologically damaging to be in this position for more than 4-6 months and studies seems to back this up. I am at 4 months right now.
Last edited by BT13; 08/17/1504:24 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I agree you need to have a good plan for if he doesn't agree to end the A OR to move out...this is the high likelihood. I think you can say that you wanted to have this conversation first, and that your follow up will be to meet with an attorney to establish your rights and take the appropriate next steps. You don't have to say the words "file" or "divorce", and if he challenges you and puts those words in your mouth you can say something like:
"I don't know what those next steps will be, that's why I will be getting professional guidance. My only goal is to protect myself from the choices you've made."
Without coming out and saying it you're setting the tone that you're not retaliating or punishing, you're not filing or trying to rake him over the coals...but instead of saying that you're simply saying that you're getting professional council on your rights and the appropriate steps given the situation.
Rehearse rehearse rehearse!
You may also want to practice a line to end the conversation. I have found that sometimes we stick to our script for a while, but if they keep going over the same ground again and again it can leave us feeling like we need to explain more, defend ourselves, expose ourselves, etc. Don't do that. There is nothing more to discuss. Find a friendly way of ending the conversation.
"I have already covered where I am at, what I'm doing, and why. I don't expect you to agree with my decisions as if it was possible for you to understand the impact of your choices then you wouldn't have made them. If you have something else you wish to tell me I'll listen, however if you don't intend to end the A or move out voluntarily then there really isn't more to discuss at the moment."
You can do it!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
