Zues, I always appreciate your thoughts. I think that's why my thread is called "attempts" at detachment. I know I'm not there yet, and I don't always say the right things. But truly, things are better than they were. I'm glad you can empathize with where I'm at. This board is where I come to process things... yes, including her words.
I think now that I'm seeing this through the lens of MLC, I'm curious in that "science experiment" way. I am not ready to go dark, and I don't think it's necessary, at least not yet. I wanted to see if we could get through an evening without any acrimony, and if it could be one of those nights that was reminiscent of better times... every now and then, I do want her to get a taste of that, and since the day we leave this house is getting closer, there won't be too many more opportunities.
Did I let her eat cake, PT? I don't know... I let her do a lot of talking last night, and I listened with sympathy and compassion about the stresses of her job. Again, I often go back to things my DB coach suggested I do - she was much more a proponent of being a friend than much of what is suggested on the boards.
The way I see it, I can be a friend to her, but she can't to me... not now. I saw the whole dinner thing more as an opportunity to remind her that I've always been that rock for her, and that she doesn't have this rock in her life anymore. I won't be there to listen tomorrow, or the next day. This is a push pull dance, right? I think mostly, the interaction was positive and will sit with her, even if she isn't conscious of it. She did get more from me this week than she usually does, but I will - as I planned - back off now, let her pursue if she chooses to.
If history is any guide, she will. And if she does, I'll be back here for support.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
This morning, I had to work at the high school my kids graduated from. It was one of those unexpectedly hard mornings... even though neither one of my boys was especially involved in his high school experience, just being on campus brought back a wave of memories that triggered my sense of loss across the board... especially my memory of one of our back to school nights, where the W and I went together to be sure we could cover both the kids' classes.
How does someone who took that kind of responsibility - and a whole host of other responsibilities - on her shoulders all of a sudden declare the kids practically dead to her? I just don't get it.
It's the breakup of our family life that has me feeling down today. Just felt like journaling it. Thankfully, I got off work early and will go meet with my Stephen Minister soon, and have plans with friends tonight.
Some days are just harder than others, I guess.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
She is hurting, (Hurt people hurt people) and desperately trying to find relief and will become frustrated when all these things she is trying are not working.
As far as the kids, in her mind the cabin lost pressure and she is putting that O2 mask on herself first before the kids as she was told ... its not intentional but yeah .. the LBS and the kids do suffer. I know my S did, W was always a wonderful mom... but not in crisis, that selfishness took over for a bit and currently she is still trying to fix that damage.
All you can do is love from a far, be the lighthouse
I know, you're so right, Cali. Thanks for the reminder.
Can you point me to what you considered were the best resources for understanding and coping with your wife's MLC? Heavy pointed me to some really good ones. I am hoping to find something not so much audio/visual but readable, because my sweet mom wants to read up on this so that she can understand where W is coming from, and pray for/relate to her accordingly. I do know that looking at this through the MLC lens is helpful - even if things are bound to take longer, there is something to pin all this mess on. And when I forget, which is when the pain is the strongest, someone here comes along to remind me.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Can you point me to what you considered were the best resources for understanding and coping with your wife's MLC?
In my welcome post is a link for the MLC resources and I have a separate welcome post on the MLC forum with lots more homework. I would read it all, a little at a time.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Cadet just gave you the 'first' pot of gold. Keep in mind when I came here it was 10 months after BD. I received BD on my B-Day, even then I knew something was not right .. she would have at least faked it for a week or two. She moved out a quick 2 months later. What threw me was SIL and MIL both have been diagnosed Bi-Polar. So at the time, I traveled down that road learning all I could about BP. Given W was in the Anger-Stage .. was not that hard to easily chalk it up to that. I did not beg-plead .. in fact when OM was admitted in Jan I basically dropped rope and decided my M was done though I refused to file. After the back and forth .. push pull I came here ... not sure how long it took, but I read the MLC stuff here... specifically The 6 Stages of MLC ... I went back and realized brick by brick she went through each tunnel at that time (a year ago) she was in Replay.
Diff there is a ton out there, read up on this stuff here, its spot on. But do realize ... the label is just that. You still have to DB and just be you. Watch the Science Project, be the lighthouse if you choose to stand ... and have patience (My krypto in all this)
Yep Cali, I know I need to DB and just be me. I think I want to know more about MLC because it's like a lightbulb has gone off for me. The more I understand and keep the MLC in mind, label or not, it helps me to have more compassion for her as someone who is hurting, not someone who is out to deliberately hurt me. This makes me less likely to want to argue, say stupid things - you know, all the dumb stuff I've done and occasionally still do. I know that she HAS to go through this, that it would have happened no matter what I did or didn't do before we got to BD. Mentally, emotionally... this helps me, as far as focusing on me. Reminds me that this is mostly about her and my contributions to our R problems were no reason for all this to happen. She needs my detached love from afar, and my prayers.
This board is truly a godsend, though. I really don't know where I'd be without it. Will check out all the MLC threads here. Thanks a bunch, guys.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yesterday did not start out so well, as I hit my neighbor's car on my way out of the driveway. The neighbors are always parking their cars in odd places, I had the top up on my convertible, and I just flat out didn't see their car, parked where it shouldn't have been, and backed right into the side door. Damn! My car just has a dent in the bumper, some scratches on the paint, and a busted tailight, but theirs? $1500 estimate so far, and we didn't want to get insurance involved for obvious reasons, and for not so obvious ones (i.e., I don't want my WW freaking out about adjusted insurance rates, since we're still on the same policy.) So, that's a fine bill that you'd think is coming at exactly the wrong time.
But to be honest, financial things have never been nearly the stressors for me that they are for my WW. I'll pay it, it will hurt for a minute, but then... so what? It will be over, and I'll just wake up the next day.
Anyway, overall, the day was total detachment. I went to Mass, worked on some projects, cleaned the house, ordered pizza, watched stupid television and preseason football with my son... didn't see or hear from WW, and really didn't even think of her much. I knew she was helping OW move from one house to the next, so I had pretty much blocked it all out of my mind. It felt good - had me dreaming a bit about my next move, the kind of life I want to live for me. There's an opportunity here - the kids are on their own but nowhere near marriage and kids themselves, my W is on her own little journey. It is, I know, time for me to really get to work now on crafting one of my own.
This morning I enjoyed coffee on the front porch and was hoping for another detached day like yesterday, when all of a sudden WW comes tearing into the driveway and rushes past me. "I need to get the open house signs." She could not have seemed more frazzled or stressed. I just sat there and drank my coffee. She opened the garage, got out her signs, started cleaning them, rushed around a bit, said, "See you," to which I responded, "Yep," then left again.
The funny thing is, in her "sane" days, she would have immediately noticed the busted taillight and gone into a frenzy, especially since the open house signs were right next to it. But she saw nothing. I smiled as she pulled out, said a prayer for her, and started packing my bags. Heading down now to Mom's for a big family weekend WW will, somewhere deep inside, be sorry she's chosen to miss. She can read all about it on Facebook, my mom will be sure to post.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
You do you dif!!! I hope you have a great time with ur fam!
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
