Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Well, my wife comes back from Europe today after being gone a month. I am packing the kids things up and we are picking her up from the airport this afternoon. We are going back to our house and I'm spending the night and tomorrow with them. I'm slightly nervous, but I'm so much stronger now then a month ago.

I hit some sort of new place with my detachment. I found my strength. I am ready to let her go now. I am not affected by her. She is not the woman that I fell in love with, and she needs time and space to find herself. I love her unconditionally, and my desire to be with her can't be a condition. I'm dropping the rope, letting her go. I'm cutting away my memories, my dreams, my ardent desire for her, to have my M restored. I'm letting go of the person I trusted with my life and my heart. I am standing alone.

I realize that in my desperation, I lost my view of what I want from a M. How I want to be treated. I realize that I have not been happy at all for many years. That my life went off the rails and became about appeasing my W, trying to get some stability. I will not go back to that. Never again. In order for there to be a new M, she is going to have to change and put in the work just like I am. That's a big deal for me to recognize. That's detachment. This may take a very long time.

How I move through the next few weeks will be very hard. I will have to have some serious talks about money, child-rearing, time management, budgets and the expectations for how to live apart.

I am no longer tied up in trying to please her or get her back, so I am just going to DB, Validate, detach, and keep GAL. Be a good friend to her and an awesome father to my little ones.

Thanks again to everyone here who has helped me so much. I feel like a different person. Wish me luck this weekend!