4, everything's fine. This is where you are supposed to be. It's a tough spot and you're working hard to break out of it. Keep your mind and heart open and change is possible. But, as Jelly says, just because you want to grow, doesn't mean you are a monster until you do.
We are all flawed 4. Being perfect isn't what we do. And while you might grow, you'll always be flawed. And that's scary because it forces you to give up control. By imagining that everything's your fault you can imagine that you have the power to fix everything. You don't. But you don't have to.
Glad you read my post. Yes, I abandoned myself. And in CD fashion I then charged my STBX with the role of looking out for my inner child, then tried to control her behavior until I felt cared for. That didn't work so well.
What helped me post BD was being there for myself. For decades I avoided my feelings. Finally I imagined my 12 year old self whimpering in the closet and I decided to let him out. It wasn't pleasant to hear what he had to say, but I pictured myself holding him tight and saying "I am here for you now. I am not going anywhere. We'll be ok together." Bottom line, I acknowledged my emotions and decided that I'd tend to my own heart.
So the only 'problem' with you is that you haven't accepted full responsibility for your own emotional care taking. And as long as you pin your emotional needs on WAH you will remain 'addicted' as Jelly says.
It's actually not that hard. Whatever you wished your WAH was doing for you, DO IT YOURSELF. When you are in pain, validate yourself. Comfort yourself. Tell yourself you understand. Tell yourself you'll never leave you again. Sit by yourself and feel your emotions, and picture being there for yourself.
If it sounds like you've been given so much advice it's overwhelming and you'll never be able to do all of this, that's because you haven't seen that it's all the same. By taking responsibility for your well being you'll no longer look to WAH for that job. That's when his fascination will lose hold, you'll set boundaries, you'll break the addiction. That sounds terrifying to you now because you think you need him, but this will happen as you discover you don't. ALL OF IT comes from this one thing: breaking the CD, which means taking responsibility and never abandoning yourself again. It won't bring him back. It will bring YOU back. And that's FAR more important right now.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
