Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

H has now been gone 6 weeks. I do not miss his negative energy around the house. Each day I feel emotionally stronger and more connected to the world around me. However, I still find one short email from him can be enough to send me backwards 3 steps - flooding me with self-doubt.

My stepmom passed yesterday. She came in to my life when I was 3yo, after my mom died. SMom was emotionally absent, physically abused me and resented me. I have come to realise, it is my relationship with her that I have chosen for my marriage. So my vacation trip back to the USA is going to start with a journey to say good-bye to her in the midwest. I will then go back to the Northeast to spend time with my kids and H (and our family friends). I find it odd that life has given me detachment from both these people at the same time. Both relationships have given me years of chaos in my life. Maybe this is a trip about learning to say goodbye to both relationships.

H still hasn't found a way which he feels comfortable communicating with me. We have had to communicate a bit more regarding all the plans around vacation/funeral. I have found his lack of empathy to be eye opening! In the only conversation we have had regarding my mom on life support, I mention how hard this week has been..... His response was - it had been a tough week for him on this project he has been working on. His lack of being able to identify with me emotionally or acknowledge grief was shockingly obvious. It was one of the first conversations I have had where I didn't take a step backwards ... It was just obvious the disconnection.

Girls were gone to a residential camp again this week, so rather than feel lonely in an empty house, I took an intensive business course. It was the best decision I could have made to fill that time. There was one certification test on Wednesday and a 3 hr written final on Friday. It was intense with hours of reviewing/homework every night. However, what a positive experience. It helped boost my confidence, challenged me intellectually, met some interesting contacts, filled my evenings and gave me reason to cut out all the alcohol. My skin looks fantastic and my head has been challenged.